i'm not sure why but i've not really been sleeping much or well. I'm generally unmotivated and indifferent. I feel like i'm waiting for something to happen and spark me. I know nothing is going to happen and i try to remember what it is that's supposed to happen. As i supposed to hit bottom again? I can't seem to remember what comes next. I can't remember what's it's like to be ok with being vulnerable and weak in front of people. I can't remember what it's like to no have to carry. I guess i'm tired and yet it seems a bit like it will never end. i look at my messy room and it's a battlefield. it's the cost of doing business or the cost of busy-ness. I can't seem to remember why it would matter to me. Why i would bother cleaning my room.

I guess you might consider this my descent into a familiar depression. it's been a while since i've been like this. what is there to say? it's that much more real when i'm sitting in front of my computer screen during the late hours and i'm unable and unwilling to sleep. i keep thinking that sleeping might fix this but i can't even when i try. so i stop trying. sigh.

i feel like i should write something more but this is it for now.

It is too small a thing...

Isaiah 49:5-6

And now the LORD says—
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant
to bring Jacob back to him
and gather Israel to himself,
for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD
and my God has been my strength-

he says:
"It is too small a thing for you to be my servant
to restore the tribes of Jacob
and bring back those of Israel I have kept.
I will also make you a light for the Gentiles,
that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth."

***

And so i read this passage in my wanderings as pastor Tim was talking about the later verses. I generally don't think about this because it sounds arrogant but i consider myself part of the spiritual royalty. I mean that in the sense that i've grown up in the church and i'm part of those "elite" where much is expected of. This is why when i read the passage this time it echoed in me. It reminded me of how much has been given to me and why God had created me. He reminds me of the heritage and inheritance i have. Now there is more, there is verse 6. God has been opening my eyes more and more to the realization that i'm not just mean to be at my church by SCAC is too small a thing, the Church and the Kingdom should be the focus. How much of an honour and burden they are. How much more should i rely on God for such a monumental task. How exciting.

I was getting my knee checked today and the nice thing about the wait is i'm supposed to read a book recommended by pastor tim. i'm not sure but i feel like i don't share the illusions of married life as the author talks about and that's kinda weird for me. i know that there are a lot of bs things that media will depict for me and they are wrong and the only thing i really care about is how God will be glorified by me being the Jesus in the relationship.

I think shirley would tell you that i'm very needy. Honestly, i am emotionally fragile and i want to be loved. It's a reality for me and i can get extremely lonely in my world. I'm not sure if people know the feeling that i'm talking about, it's feeling that my heart is a blackhole and it feels like my chest is going to implode because i'm so lonely. It physically hurts when i'm like that. But despite all that i'm clear that what i feel comes secondary to what is right. I guess, in the end, this is like everything else, God alone matters and when that happens there is no more "me first" mentality, i have no more rights and am deserving of nothing, I should just live out the faith, hope and love that display the glory of God.

I did wonder what shirley was thinking as she read it but then i realize, as i always do, what i do has nothing to do with her. Whether she does or does not, i am expected to be the Jesus.

edit:
so i have bruises on my forearm and i kinda wondered what they were from. *mental back track* i'm was an usher for Dave/Kristen's wedding and one of the things i did was carry stuff, chair and tables, gifts and whatever else. I welcomed people. I ran around. One of the roles that came to pass was because i was the only one that attended scac and being related to Joanie, the GM. I was the go to usher :S weird but true. My arms are bruise from all the crap i was carrying. there is a bit of symetry because the chairs rested on the same part of my arm every time i lifted. But there was 1 moment where i was coming up the stairs to get my chairs from the sanctuary where i was felt really honoured to be the one that was able to do this for D/K. Some of other guys were taking a quick water break and that's good. They worked really hard too. I was just thinking about how it was a privilage, even though i missed part of the ceremony or part of the reception that i was happy. Them being happy was good for me. It's how it is when we serve God too. It doesn't matter if others are taking a break or whether anyone notices or not, cuz i'm almost sure nobody really notices and that's fine. It's not about any of those things, it's about D/K's day. It's about God's day. It's about everyone else and not me. It's what i was talking about above and before. Behold, the Lamb of God.

day walker

so i'm listening to a song that was in the Blade trilogy, Fatal by RZA. I'm here thinking about how weak and stupid i've been in the last little while. I"m thinking about how i gotta get my act together and how much more i'm meant to be. I think about the titan of faith that i wanna be. i gotta step it up. i gotta stand proud and walk on.

i'm not monstrous enough. soon though... soon i will evolve :D

how much more

so there was something that i realized today. When i offer someone love and it's reciprocated with fear it's a sad thing and it doesn't happen often so i forgot i guess. If i would do something for a stranger how much more would i do it for you? If i would spend my time building up perfect strangers how much more would i spend on you. If i have loved them this much how much more would i give you?

It reminds me of when Jesus brings up the difference between earthly fathers that give good gifts and our Father who gives the best gift, the Spirit.

It's just a bit heart breaking when i know the reality even though i've tried to be optimistic. In the end though, love will be love and what is repaid to me is irrelevant. A covenant of love is not based upon what you do. I will do what i do because i love.