riding it out~

only a few days left before the end of work. only a few more days until school~ i can't wait. i just need some rest and i'll come eventually. I'm starting to get the, "i'll sleep when i'm dead" type feeling, although compared to many i sleep lots. i just know that i'm resting as little as i can because i'm out and about doin' stuff. Total was quite the kick in the pants as it ended up an 11 hour work day and i went to dinner without changing outta my work clothes. LOL, oh well. Just gotta keep truckin'. Maybe i'll sleep one day, maybe not~ lol~ I just gotta ride it out for 4 more days. Hopefully tomorrow is a rain day. *fingers crossed*

sidenotes:
- a friend i've been praying for is planning to come back to church and stuff, yay~
- co-worker is coming to tailgate. maybe this is a first step in goin' to church, maybe not~ eitherway, prayers are being answered.
- i've come across another breath of fresh air. it's definately nice to breath again.

leaning on him

there's not much to say really, nothing different than usual. I guess the thought most on my mind is, LORD give me ur stregth and i will offer you what i have. Something to that effect. I wake up and ask for stregth because i wake up tired. I guess this is what i means to walk with the LORD because i can't walk without him anymore. He is all that keeps me going. I have a confession though, i'm a lot more snippy these days. I've become less tolerant and more ... contempuous. That side is coming back up, it's nice to be able to see it so i can quash the uprising. So TGIF...only one more day of work left for this week and that leaves me with 7 more work days and then i'm done. I'm not sure if i've ever looked forward to anything (even school) this much. so...here i am, at my limit. good nite. prayers for endurance and perseverance would be sweet if anyone wants to squeeze in a quick one for me. thx

how much time do we have???

so i was watching the jacket the other day. actually i've seen i twice already~ lol~ It's about adrien brody and he's in a correctional institution for the criminally insane. Blah blah blah~ lol~ It comes down to this as one of the phrases in the end, "sometimes life can only really begin with the knowledge of death". So i'm thinking about that in a perspective of living with eternity in mind. LOL. That's why i like thinking movies because i enjoy applying it to life. Anyway, the main character, Jack Starks, finds out he's goin' to die and does everything he can for all the pplz around him to make sure they live as best they can. He tries to help as many pplz he can before he goes. I guess we as Christians should know that even more than him as the Bible talks about the return of Christ being at a time where none of us can predict type deal. It's funny cuz when pplz asked me the question of "what would you do if you knew you were goin' to die tomorrow", i've always answered, "nothing different than i've done today". I mean, i guess i could try to find time to squeeze in an extra round of ball or something, but i think i take every chance i get to build the relationships and witness as best i can. Not to say i recognize every chance when it arrives, but it's not like i can do much about that except me more attentive to the calling of God. So where does that leave me now? I guess it comes down to the question of how long will i need to keep goin' ? This has been a more interesting question for me in the sense that i've come to realize that my best is what is expected and that will bring my body to burn out. Most mornings i wake up and i'm like, "aw...nuts, not in heaven yet." lol~ but then again i'm like, i better make the most of this day. I can't say it's purely outta joy or grattitude, they are there, but also responsiblity and fear. A person said this to me once or somehow it's something that came across me: Yeah it'd be great to go to Heaven, but i wanna be sure i'm able to have all my 'talent' accounted for and have God say, "good and faithful servent". So i try to make sure that when i wanna do something bad or don't wanna do something good that i remember that i gotta explain it to God. I just don't wanna have to say that i didn't use the most of my time. So now i end each day wondering if it would be my last. I hope that it isn't so i may serve another day, but i also hope that it is so i may rest. Win-win i guess~ how much time do i have left? i really don't know and don't care because every morning i get my orders, "Go, glorify me", says the LORD. So i will...~

sidenote...for those that think i'm not walking this talk, rebuke me please. If you love me don't let me be one of those that just talk. Where i am lacking i hope you will help me.

upstanding men~

funny, i had a conversation today about the role of men and how it's sad that their are so few that really go the extra mile in serving. Actually it's not as much as they don't go the extra mile, but the don't walk the full mile. Many of them tend to cut corners and whatnot. I came down to the observation that men find it hard to put themselves in the position of others. I'm not sure how much of this is true, but as for me i know it's hard.
There are moments when i thought about the needs of the kids, this was early in the week. As the week began to end i was thinking more of me. Kinda sad that i started with such zeal and at the end lacked it so much. I did began to not care and it showed i think. Not to say i yelled at the kids but i didn't spend the time that i could have. I guess part of me felt that i had taught them what they needed to know already, but then part of me still knows that my heart wasn't all there in the end of it. I can blame many things for the events of VBS, but i will only look at what was under my control and influence. I keep hearing that i did what i could and from the sounds of it pplz aren't unhappy with my performance. Except that i feel like there was something missing. I guess it's that i never really got to sit down with my unchurch kids (as it turns out were more than i originally had understood there to be) and that's what makes me kinda sad. I'm seriously hoping that actions speak louder than words as i tried to show love and care for them. It would be nice to get a written evaluation from someone because this is the year that i really don't know if i did a good job. My class was probably the most wild bunch i think, but then again it seemed like many classes had troubles with discipline. I just hope that i showed these kids what they needed to see in a Christian.
I guess this all goes back to my thing about men. I know there must have been more i could have done and I don't know what it was and that's what bugs me. Something is saying in me that it's not enough what i did. It's discouraging as much as annoying. I know i will do VBS next year and i will continue to try my best, but it would nice to have someone give me some form of help to improve. Oh well, i know that the Spirit will reveal what i need to know if i keep seeking the answers. Gotta keep trucking and go the distance.

sidenote: a funny thought that crossed my mind about serving. In conversation it came up that if i'm tired afterwork and don't wanna deal with pplz how can i ever get married. An extention to that is, if i serve and work i will have less time, so in my min i think, "wouldn't it be nice to be without the burden of taking care of a family". I definately believe a father should play an active role in teaching and raising a child so ... yeah...wonder if this thought will lead to anything.

lessons in faith and love

So vbs has begun and i'm always tired to the core of my being it seems. As i write i'm sitting in my room having gotten back from mens group and talked to my mom about the goin' of my class and doin' some extra work because there are things i think the kids need to hear. Who knows where in the bible it says the devil was an angel? lol, one of my grade 3's asked me cuz i talked about sin and she somehow knew that the devil was the dragon from revelations, but asked me, "so where does it say he's an angel too?"~ Kawaii ~ So many of my kids are quite quick witted. So how we tangent from Jesus washing diciples feet to having out sins washed~ lol. Good enough for me.

But more to the point of the blog. I don't teach my kids, but i also am taught. Today i was talking to a kid about submission to authority. I told him that if we trust that God loves us we should have faith that those in charge of us are there because God placed them there. If that is the case then we should obey what they say. We can question to understand and make suggestions, but ultimately we must trust them and give them the benefit of the doubt because they see things that we don't see. I said that so the kid would listen to me, but then i realized that i grumble about a lot of little things and i should have more faith in GOd than this. So both that kid and me learned a valuable lesson.

The second thing i'm learning is a more of a practical learning. I'm learnign what it means to love God and his pplz. Every year i learn a deeper understanding of this. I don't complain about the work ever (i did complain about organization, hense not the faith/submission to authority) because i know that it's my duty and honor and privilage to be able to participate in God's ministry. But that doesn't make the job any easier. I learned that to love his is to love his people as well. The Spirit has held by fury in check as many times i wanted to make an example of a kid~ lol. But i learned that love will make me do things i usually don't do. I hope i continue to do the little things for the kids that show my love and do my best.

Ephesians 6:19 was the bible verse i found for my kids so they can serve God and each other. Pray for each other, declare the gospel for God. I need some of that prayer too~ thx all~

let's die together~

LoL, no, not a suicide not~ Just fun to go through some old anime during some spare time today. It's a cool fight between ukon/sakon vs kiba/akamaru as kiba pushes to the edge and ventures a double suicide with ukon. They merge bodies and kiba decides that if ukon is goin' to slowly tear away thus killing kiba's body he will destroy both of them. It reminds me of when Jesus said, if ur eye causes you to sin the get rid of it so the entire body does not sin. lol~ i'm a geek for connecting stuff like that. So kiba ventures to cut out the parts of the body (ironically the entire thing) to rid himself of the evil. So ultimately ukon, the bad guy, doesn't want to double suicide with kiba and leaves. I guess the devil is kinda like that too. If we are firm in our resolve he will flee from us. The 'resist the devil and he will flee from you' principle. Sorry, folks, i'm tired, you gotta look up these verses urself today. I guess we have to be willin' to go the distance to rid ourselves of what we know is tainted. Oh, yeah, so i didn't end up goin' clubbing today. maybe that is something God is sparing me from. I'm not even disappointed because at this point i don't even really care whether i go or not. I guess it's nice to be indifferent about the things that don't matter. Or maybe i'm content. hopefully it's the latter. Anyway, bed time~ a toast ... *raises imaginary glass* ...to all those who are goin' the distance.

memento~

"how can i heal...if i can't feel pain?" Naw, that's not really how i feel. It's an interesting concept though. All the pain feels so recent because a person is stuck at that point in his/her universe. It's kinda sad how he wakes up everyday expecting life to pick up after the attack, yet he realizes that it's not the day after anymore. He can't even remember how long it's been since his wife died because as far as his memory is concerned it was yesterday. I guess i'm kinda feeling that too because i've lost the feeling of time passing kinda. everyday is the same and it's like everyday i wake up could be any day and nothing has changed. I guess part of me feels trapped. It's kinda the part of me that has mad the commitment and demands follow through. Backing outta things is always easy, but i don't wanna be that person. My mom is asking me to take the last week of august off so i can rest and stuff. I dunno if i can do that. I don't think it makes a huge difference to my boss but i feel like i haven't finished my work with my co-workers. I feel ike there is more i can witness to them. I think taht's why i do it. I don't care about the money. I got my osap estimate and with the money i make from work i don't need much if anything from my parents this year. I hope i can bring one of my co-workers that much closer to God. Whatever God wants, so i await his answer. Either way is fine by me. It's not a question of whether i can last, i know that i can go the distance. It's more of a question of, "do i need to". I'll find out soon enough.

on a whim...

I don't have anything profound to write at this moment i was just thinking and the conflict that i'm avoiding. The thing is, it's not my conflict, but my parents being ... well they have issues of their own as all couples do, but honestly, i don't wanna deal with it. It's kinda sad how i have opted to isolate myself from them and from my house essentially. funny how i didn't even say family. It's odd how this summer i've come back with the hope to rebuild this blood relationship that i never valued before. To be without family wouldn't be that devestating i don't think. I mean, it's really great how my mom cooks for me and i have dinner and lunch all planned out and stuff..which reminds me, i haven't packed lunch yet. good thing i'm blogging and will do it when i'm done~ lol, totally forgot! anyway, for me to leave all this would mean more annoyance and discomfort than any true loss and the knowledge of that kinda makes me sick to my stomach. How is it that after wanting to build this relationship with family i've come to a point where i dont want to talk to them. Most of the time i want to be alone, away from them, in solitude and yet i can't because they are my housemates. The are the pplz i put up with because i'm living in the same house. It's soo...arg!!! what's wrong with me??? i might have blogged about obedience = love because i know i obey my parents and honor them. Then again i know my obedience comes cheap. I'm a good soldier i think. i take orders well. That's why my boss likes me. That why it bugs me that that's all i can do for my parents. It's rough cuz i know they love me and i don't even ... it doesn't even affect me. The emotions are range from the good of gratitude and overall appriciation to the bad of annoyance and contempt and all the while this is no love or hate. At least i knwo if i hated them i would be close to loving them. But honestly...bleh~! So what now? What is the solution i've come up with after venting and usually at this point i do have an answer. But honestly, i don't know what i should do. I've already eased into waiting to leave for london, for many reasons, but i'm back to square one as i one of them is, "i don't wanna deal with family". Pray for me i guess...i don't know what for though. i'm happy the Spirit intercedes for us.

follow up ..

so this is more of a follow up than a new blog. Yesterday i talked about how i don't have pplz to support me and that kinda stuff and i realized that GOd is there and he does, but he's also great because he sends others to come by and support me. It's funny cuz i was talking to on of my western buddies that isn't online very often so i thought it would be nice to chat with him. Just talking with him ended up being a super big encouragement for me. It's so great that i got to know him last year and how open we can be with each other. How i know he will pray for me. It's nice to know that true brothers are out there for me. Later that night after i was all encouraged a sister was feeling really down in the dumps about a guy. LOL, girls will always stress on guys and guy will always stress on girls. Anyway, so she in turn needed comfort and encouragement so i offered my two cents and as it turns out she was very encouraged too. Funny how God's love works like that. When everyone plays their role, God's love is spread to so many pplz so fast! It's always a blessing to see GOd play that active role in the lives of all those around me. So everyone, love lots and i will try too love lots too~! Tee hee~ lol~ Man this work week has been short days everyday. God is merciful since i'm tired he sends rain so i can end early! I'm sure there are other reasons for rain, but i'm sure i'm one of them~!

varying expectations

i feel like i expect too much from pplz and not expect enough of God. So the trigger for this realization is that last night i was having a conversation about.... lol~ i'm goin' clubbing this weekend i think. Like i said before, i see no problems with it, i just don't do it as much because i don't think others are too happy with me when i do. This time should be chill though, no drinks, just chillin' with some highschool guys. Anyway, i asked someone to come and they said it wasn't their scene. It's something they've never done and stuff and it makes me wonder what it is that isn't their scene. I guess part of me will always have a need to experience things to know whether it's good or bad. Taking pplz word for it just isn't good enough. Either way, i found it odd though since they said that my explaination for goin' was a bunch of crap that i made up to justify it to myself. I guess that may be true, but then she says, but i'm not here to judge. That bugs me~ lol. It bugs me because she, as a sister in Christ i feel should tell me straight what she thinks and not jsut let me do whatever and say she doesn't judge (although it's already obvious she sees my choice unrighteous). Then she tells me she's tired and goes offline without explaining anything. So i've been brooding over this all day since i was digging. I was so angry~! It's crazy that i am though. I felt is start to spill into all parts of life. Then i realized satan was messing with me. who i am to expect anything from anyone? I mean, i know my relationship with this girl isn't that good anyway, why should i expect pplz to tell me what they think and they are tired. I guess i just expect pplz to make time for the needs of others. i guess i'm just being unrealistic. I know i don't always do, but it's something i try to and value. So whatever. Then as i'm coming home on the truck i'm reading Isaiah again (almost done). For some reason i didn't read it in the morning, big mistake. It's just Isaiah 57:15-21 and it says something about God reviving the spirit of the lowly and little comforting things. I just realize that God will always comfort me. He's my comforter and rock. He is my merciful and patient GOd. THose were the aspect of Himself that he's been showing me lately. Pretty coolz. I guess i should expect more of GOd and less of man. It's funny cuz i was just talking to someone abotu that yesterday or the day before. Something about how i'm really weak right now, yeah the job is crushing me. everyday i wanna quit, but that's not that way i am. a commitment is a commitment. I told my boss i would work until the 3rd of sept and i will. But it's tiring and i was saying to my friend, i miss having a person support me. Just someone to go, 'aw...poor baby', you know?~ I said it bugs me that i know that for in my weakness his stength will be shown because it means i will be down in the dumps like this constantly. lol~ But to be weak and feel the blessings of God i'm feeling that it's worth it. To know that pplz are praying for me and that God will carry me through, should be and i will learn it to be enough. So i'm nearing my limit for today. take care all.

beyond the body...living on borrowed time

i guess this blog is loosely based on Galatians 2:20. I think it's the UW theme verse for the fall term and it made me think of something i heard in an anime once. I heard that on friday when one of the UWCCF guys shared and colluni. I'm not even sure i blogged about it already but it's something that has been kinda on my mind. All about the dead body and the living spirit. It's just something i think is an interesting concept. I guess it impacts me more because the summer progresses i grow increasingly more tired. Goin' to work is exhausting most of the time and it's something that makes me think of how i manage to endure. Also something along the lines of commitment and how a person manages to do things like that. Somehow today i managed to remember it that on friday i had a triggered thought. It's rare because i never remember stuff~ lol.

Anyway, this is another kimimaru thing. k - "i'm no longer moving using my body. I'm moving by the power of my spirit....it's a feeling of existing... without the bondage of the body" Interesting stuff if i look at it with my Christian eyes. No longer living in the flesh, but by the Spirit. I see it this way, there are many things that come naturally to me, my instincts, my desires etc... and all the things of this body i will let die and live only by Spirit. This is what i'm learning.

Borrowed time: As Kimimaru knows he's dying and shouldn't be fighting and whatnot he says something about living on borrowed time. It's something i've also trying to impliment into my life. The waking up everyday as if it's a gift. And i feel like it is in the sense that i can witness to my co-workers. I really want them to see God, esp since one is a holiday catholic and the other was baby baptized. They believe the are Christian, but don't have the relationship with God. I hope that they will learn that there is more to life than sweet cars and stuff like taht. But it's also the fact taht each day i live is more than i expect to. So i try to live each day to my limit. So that when i go to bed i can say that, there is nothing more i could have done. There are many days when i can't say that though.

sorry for the scattered blog, my mind hasn't formed it all and yet i can't even if i wanted to i feel. I feel like my blogs are exactly the way they are meant to be since somedays i can focus and somedays i can't. I hope it's God led.

fall to pieces

Once upon a time i heard that if you replace all instances of the word "baby" in a love song and put in "Jesus" you can change any love song into a worship song. Funny how now when i listen to the song "fall to pieces" - avril lavigne i think of my relationship with my LORD instead. It's a reminder almost that my LORD is enough, that i don't need a girl or any particular earthly relationship to be whole. Anything i need i know that God can prove. I wanna be able to say, "Wanna know who you are, Wanna know where to start, wanna know what this means, Wanna know how you feel, Wanna know what is real, I wanna know everything, everything, I'm in love with you, Cuz i'm in love with you." So everytime i hear a love song now i thnk of how my relationship with God should be. Most of the songs aren't perfect worship songs but it's nice to know that my mind is more focused on my relationship with God than girls. It's odd how i was soo tired earlier today and now i don't really wanna sleep. i know i should be asleep so i will sleep. Hopefully tomorrow i will have a breath of fresh air from the week in and week out routine.

God = Good ... Devil = Bad

lol~ For Homer that was all he needed to know (kinda, that and transubstantiation, lol). I guess there isn't much for me to blog except that i'm pondering right now whether that's all i need to know to start. LoL, i guess that is insufficient because salvation should also be written on my arms as well, but i just want to take a minute to enjoy the clarity i have right now. That there are questions that i can accept as something that i can't answer. That i don't need to know. The fact that i can be the soldier that doesn't question my orders yet acts willingly. Honestly tonight i feel truely blessed that i have been given the 3 things that i constantly pray for. Clarity/Discernment, Wisdom and Discipline. Not that i've really have them, but have begun to walk down the path where i have some measure of them and aquire more of it.

Additional Thoughts:
Prayer: Why is it that prayer is seen as a burden? Today i saw prayer as sucha burden that it was almost reduced to pen spinning to choose who prays. Do we not see it as a privilage?

Can we ...: Can we be a Christian if we don't have gratitude for God? If we never see sin as our fault but God's (because he made us this way) then will we ever truely seek salvation? Can we know that God is good without taking that leap first to find out??

I had one more but forgot what it was...Ah, i remember Testing God: should we or should we not? I think there is a time for it. I mean God is patient with us and allows us to do many things. I prayed last night and tested God, he gave me an answer because i felt the Spirit move me to pray that prayer. It woke me up from a nap. Then again there are times when we shouldn't put the LORD to the test.