a day like every other...

monday
overcast skies with the morning chill. the knowledge of my 9:30 creeps into my mind, "damn, it's monday". my body starts to struggle against the commands to get out of bed. "why?" it pleads, "it's just labour econ, he doesn't teach anything u don't already know anyway." I get up. In the shower now~ Long hot streams of water pour over my body. Kelly in the background singer her heart out. I arrive to school late. 5 minutes late, as usual. It's monday. I learn nothing, the words linear regression re-open wounds. someone comes in at 9:55. it's monday. Class ends and i'm at einsteins. Nancy is there, but I'm not. It's monday.

I'm in the comp lab now and i don't know what to say. Life seems to be taking impossibly long. I have so much crap on my mind. Stuff that i've brought upon myself for sure. i was wondering whether i should talk about certain things. Things that i don't know how to say to pplz and i don't think deserve to be said out loud. Or at least it may be inappropriate. So here i am, at the cross roads. Do i hold out on u or i be become the person i've always wanted, with nothing to hide.

For those who are worried that they might look at me different after reading this then stop reading now. I'm here to be real more than anything and i'm trying to open this book called my life. I'm here to struggle with you that struggle and support those that do. It's goin' to get ugly so if you like the me you see then don't read. If you want to see more then keep reading.

So here i am. Trying to be vulnerble to all u who care to know. I hope that after this u all can be open with who you are, not with me, but whoever u need to. Temptation in my life is always rampant. My mind is pretty corrupt most of the time. I guess being who i am has led me to it. Being a person that goes the distance on almost everything i've seen lots of the bait of this world and tried it out. We all know that i've drank and clubbed, those i dont' think are a big deal. But most pplz don't know that those things aren't even the biggest. Those things tempt me often and honestly it's hard to live with that monkey on my back. But then swearing is somehow in my mind again. Another small thing, but that's why i gave up listening to rap. I've had a couple smokes too. Nobdy big but somehow the devil is able to tempt me with that too. But above all, the biggest thing is lust. I guess i'm just saying this because it's my secret. The thing that only me and some select few know about. I've always cared about my image enough to protect the secret. He're is my new approach. I care enough to put it out there, to get rid of it. Now that u've read it u gotta pray for me! sucker! When i say lust i don't mean checking out girls. I'm talking about ... i'm the type to go the distance and this is no difference than anything else including girls. I drink until i puke, i ball until exhaustion, i take girls the distance. That's the main reason i'm single now. That's why i'm always studying at school. I don't care about school, but it keeps me outta trouble. Sexual sins are almost non-issues when i'm not alone. So here i am. The dumb kid that has pretty much fallen in every catagory. When i look at others i wish that i hadn't gone so far off track. But i'm here to tell you all that i've started back on my journey to God. The temptations will always be there and i know i don't have to go back. I want to actually. I'm not far enough that i hate that life enough. It has it's appeal and for those that want to try "life" (and i mean in in the worldly sense), FTS ('t' is 'that' and 'f' and 's' are common 4 letter worlds). It pisses me off when pplz wanna try stuff. It doesn't yield any benefit. If you like those things of this world, ur screwed. if you hate it then u just wasted ur time trying it. PLease oh please don't taste this world. I'm telling u there is nothing better than God in the long run. Short run He makes it worth ur while too. I don't know why i bothered with this. i don't even think it makes a difference, but now it's off my back. Pplz will keep me accountable, but i just want it to be that i have nothing to hide. I will be single, not drink, and not walk back into the life i had. For those that tell me life is hard, and this life specifically is hard i have some, but not a lot of sympathy. We are all fallen ones trying to get back up. I struggle each day and i don't expect it to be easy. It's impossible for us and God does all the work. I just have to stand up and walk and have him guide me. THe unfortunate part for this all is that i have to give up good/neutral things because satan uses that to destroy me as well. For those that have seen my weakness, don't encourage it. PRAY FOR ME !!!! that's why this blog is important to me. Not that i worry about winning or losing with satan. I know the war is over, i just don't want to lose small battles. As far as being updated on my struggles. I'm good for now. I've spent too much time managing my problems though~ i've drained myself on defense. Time to bust down the enemy strongholds somehow. Currently i am praying for those persecuted christians and missionaries around the world. TTR last night made me realize how comfortable i've become. I've lost my heart for them. I will burn again for those that are truly on the frontlines and taking damage. I will continue to grow and become a man. I want to go the distance FOR GOD. Maybe i too can be a missionary with His grace. But to be someone that God uses is good enough in the everyday, in any capacity. Oh God, i want to walk with you and never stray. Let me be like my name sake. let me live like Christ for the rest of my days. I will not fall.

through the roof~

i've gone soft. i've lost my edge. i've been living in comfort and have forgotten what it means to be a soldier for Christ. I can't even put into words what i means to have edge. I guess i'm not dangerous, passionate or any of that stuff. I'm not on burning it up as i should be. I've settled for the status quo of this world. I've become what i hate most, a student. A Christian no longer, but a student~! Son-of-a-diddly~! The type that pretends to put God first but just does it because i keeps God happy. What have i become? How do i find my way back? Funny how i'm so far off track and i didn't know i was straying at all. The external stuff is always good, but when it's the focus that's when i know i'm screwed. ZANGETSU!!! (as ichigo calls his sword, i hope to find mine)

i guess i gotta use this hour~

why am i here right now? because i found out i have an hour extra tonight. So what have i been doin'? well to be honest something in my life seems a little outta place so i've been trying to figure out what it is. One thing my mind wandered to or stumbled upon was the tinge of loneliness i'm feeling right now. It's nothing big, i guess it's late and some pplz know what that means. So i spent the last 10-15 mins reading a couple old emails i've kept. Yeah, i've had every email from my last 4 girls. It made me realize how different life was with a girl around. I sounded different and i know it definately feels different. I guess reading those made me realize that at the time i really enjoyed having them around and they really enjoyed having me around. I really want to mend things with one of them as the others are fine. That one was the one that ripped my world apart and i did the same to her. I makes me wonder how something so good can end up so wrong. To be honest though, i definatley not the same as who i used to be and i don't know if this new person is better anymore. I've lost that headstrong passion i think. Everything is tame now. it feels almost like i've spread my feelings out. When i love everyone there seems to be less intensity in it. It feel as if i have tamed my hate but in turn i have tamed my love as well. Is it just the tired me talking? I guess part of me wonders also because i just watched 'saw 2' and i wonder about my life again. Do i lack intensity in my relationships? I just don't like doin' things at anything less the full potential and reading those emails makes me remember how i used to be. I just don't want to have lost me edge. I've recently let a lot of pplz go and not push them into the corner. Have i gone soft?

another side~

the community,
it's been a rough couple days. I've recently decided to become and stay busy. My time can easily be consumed but productive and enjoyable activities. So i stay busy to stay focused and disciplined. I guess this is the way my life must be for me to survive. Not just academically but spiritually as well. I know that i can become the "model Christian", i have the potential and the hardcore-ness. Time to turn to the other side, the not so lazy side, and bust out the "A game". So the easy stuff is in place. Now for the tough stuff, my room. It will be cleaned, i'm thinking pretty soon it will be a normal room again. i guess that's the way i must be. i'm not one to live the easy way, or i guess this is my easy way. I think the point is not to fight unnecessary battles. i'm perfectly content taking free territory and not battling satan for it. I'll fight/beat him for stuff a little later i'm guessing. But I've come to discover that if i build up my forces in other areas those questionable areas so are somehow strengthened by default. So for now i'm goin' to build up. Any insight of your own? For now i'll be strong. Failure has never been a thought in my mind. Gotta keep on fighting. Pray that God will grant me strength and grace.
enoch

"your fangs..." and "why do we fall?" lol~

i'm considering writing these in letter format. Here may be the beginning of a slow transition.
world,
Hey, how's it goin' ? You know what? i've heard this recently while watching bleach and i thought i'd share it with you. "your fang have definately reached me." byakaya says that to renji after a fight. I guess it's something i saw recently in my own life. Byakaya is a captain fighting someone he sees as clearly inferior. he talks a lot of smack during the fight. After the guy loses the fight byakaya says that line. I guess i've been kind of thinking that in my own life. Even if the opponents are clearly inferior it's not like they don't have the ability to harm us. It's just that they will lose and we will win. satan is like that. He's already lost and we've already won, but man, sometimes i feel those fangs. LOL~ time to womp ass though. i've lost a round recently. i guess it's not a huge deal today. Today is where i stand. Speaking of standing, something that always makes me laugh when pplz say, "why do we fall bruce? so we can learn to get back up." Man, it's funny cuz it's sooooo cliche. It's soo good that i've found pplz that want to help me stand and push forward. I hate walking alone, i'll do it, but i prefer other to walk with me and i with others. This is the community that i see and desire. The strength on the collective is so powerful. So here i am pushing forward again, but this time i have brothers to help me. To be honest, i think this is the accountibility group that i've been praying for. I'm so glad that He has finally brought them to me. Side note: man, reading Job is really slow going. i dunno what to get outta it since i don't wanna identify with him too much so i feel like crap, but i dunno~ lol~ we'll see~ I gtg now! take care.

Enoch

saw

so i saw the movie "saw" last night. man, that was a mind bending film. I was up for a lot of the night because after i fell asleep my subconscious would still be chewing on the film and constantly wake me up to ask the conscious half what he would do in different situations. I guess the most important take away is the life valuation we have. I don't think the killer had full intentions of helping the victims as much as he enjoyed seeing the struggle. In contrast during fight club, tyler points a gun at a person and tells him if he doesn't pursue his dreams tyler will come back and kill him. That is helpful. Putting a guy in a room, covered in flamible material and telling him to crack a safe while holding a candle isn't. But i guess i can choose to see it as a question of how much i value the life given to me. I don't think i value it enough because i don't respect living enough. Most pplz know i'm not a big fan of this existance we have. The point is that it's something i can use to glorify God/save souls and i should appriciate it. I know i should take more care to live my life fuller. Not to say i'm wasting it, but i'm being weak. That's total crap, i need not be this way and i've settled for less. Rest is for the weak, i will and must keep working for God. To take my eyes of that to rest is to fall. Kinda like the David and bathsheba thing. The first step was not doin' what he was supposed to be doin'. New perspective, doin' school (and other work things) to stay outta trouble? man, i get the feelin' i can do so much more work with this attitude~ lol. Things will be relaxed for a little while, that means i gotta work even harder~ lol. Funny how all the instances of rest are now turning into oppurtunities to do more work. Gotta keep pushing. The past is gone. I live for today only. Hopefully today i am stronger than yesterday.

caught in between~

technically the time is wrong, but this is something i wanted to write yesterday. i wanted to make sure i took off some of the edge though, so i waited a little. I dunno where i stand sometimes and then again, i do. Friday night i went to fellowship and went out to crabby joe's with them after. A few of us disassociated from the group and sat and ate by ourselves. Food came faster and it was a lot less confusing. i honestly prefer that to the big group. The only thing i saw was the birthday beats at the end of the night, the entire concept baffles me. Anyway, i went back to school to finish studying after and spent the night there. The next mornign i woke early and did my devos. Wrote my exam at 9, which seemed ok, and went to lunch at wonder sushi. Went home for a nap. At this point of my day i was thinking to myself, "everything is right in the world". At which point i nap and everything is good. Even dinner at BT is good. It all starts to erode when i get to eldon's place after. Sam and Jer are doin' their birthday thing. I'm not here to judge, don't get me wrong! I had my wild days back then too. I saw my cousin there. It was weird for me. I saw lots of pplz drinking and being roudy and i wondered to myself if this was what i turned my back on. It never seemed like that to me. Part of me said, "get a drink, ur not like them, u can drink in moderation. everyone wins that way" I look at these kids and my heart kinda breaks that they will eventually get to the point when lies like that fill their mind. That they will have to realize that this life isn't acceptable as a Christian and it's goin' to be hard to give it up. I'm not saying all of them were wasted or all of them were Christians, but it sucks to see it when i see pplz sliding backwards in this evironment. I feel ike some pplz get further from God when they are that way. When something inside me is longing and calling for drinks, clubbing and that sort of stuff. I just hope that pplz don't go overboard. I know that i have the capacity to become what they are and much worse if i let go, and so i was being eaten up by temptation over the course of the time i spent there. You know, all this temptation and heartbreak wasn't as bad as the fact that after i left to go to bri's thing i couldn't even enjoy myself. I was thinking about my past life and how parts of me want it soo bad, i didn't feel settled. Behold the power of satan. Gotta hand it to him sometimes, he is good at what he does. even though i do not fall, i'm still not much better off. partial victories are something he settles for~ lol~ But God is coolz too. I got home and i talked to someone that was at the twin's party. I pictured her in a totally different way. No offense, she seemed like a girl that could be wild and stuff. But she told me she didn't drink or club and was at home early. I guess i shouldn't be so heartbroken over the kids as they do know what they are doing. And my past is not a source of shame, it's just more of a burden. A foothold that satan got in my younger years and i'll have to fight the uphill battle to get him out. I have the luxury of knowing that God is way better anyway. So, my saturday started out great, got really bad, and it ended off well.

it's been a while~

i haven't blogged in a long time~ update: sick, injured, ontop of work, missing class right now.
rarely, i'm actually planning on missing both classes today. not because i have an exam tomorrow morning, but based on the fact i can't move my neck~ lol~ i played basketball last night, wasn't worth it. things are decent though. the usuals of studying. nothing to say. sad now nothing is happening that is worth noting really. actually that's not totally true. Been reading Job, not bad. The first friend isn't as much of a jerk as Job makes him out to be. Gotta read it urself~ I find hope in my life because i'm not walking the ways of darkness. Exam update, most pplz know this. i got 41/100 marks on an exam recently~ i knew i would fail, i didn't fully complete and/or understand the concepts a chapter in a 2 chapter exam. So that's about right, i expected around 30-40. THe nice thing is that 40 was average~ lol~! I mean, crap, that's crazy how more than half a class can fail an exam~ lol. So the prof boasted us up 12% so our avg is 55 now and the median is 52~ crazy. I hope the next one is easy. It's funny how my best case scenerio was 40 and not only did God give me 41 to show he's always one better, but also the 12% outta nowhere. There is a reason i strive and it's because we have such an awesome God. When i fall i don't feel back cuz of punishment, but because it hurts him. It's so great how God does that so it's not a duty (so we have to), but we avoid sin so that we may be closer to him (so we want to). I'm goin' to lie down~ man, this neck this is goin' to be a killer~ pray for that!!! i gotta study and write an exam tomorrow~ also bible-study tonight!!!!

Frontlines~

So i was reading in my devos about walking with God and that stuff. Yeah, i figured out what it means to walk with God, but i forgot that i'm not just doin' this for me. Christian life is a life of community and outreach. Why don't i share Life with others? Why have i not been? basically, i'm a selfish, moping jerk~ I've been so caught up on me that i've been hiding away in my grotto (ssc comp labs) with only a small window into reality in the form of msn. The lines have moved forward and i have not. I've been taken off the frontlines and i didn't even realize it. Why am i not out there? Why do i need to hide? Not because of anything other than the foolishness of feeling inadequate. I've been licking my wounds and to be honest, there is one thing i should keep in mind. "I'd rather burn out than fade out" - i forget who this quote is from. The same goes for me, i believe in rest, but not if there is work to be done. Rest will come for all eternity, i just gotta truck for x more days until i'm called home. "Prayer is battle; it is a matter of indifference where you are. which ever way God engineers circumstances, the duty is to pray." - Oswald Chambers. He goes on to remind us what to pray for, the harvest and labourers as Jesus said. I will continue to pray for the harvest and the labourers. If i'm faithful i will play a role in labouring for him. When God engineers my circumstances i will be there, ready and shaking with excitment. Continue to pray for my zeal and fervor that i may never be lacking in either. Also pray that i may match those with widsom and discipline that i may not taint the name of Christ. We are co-heirs. Let us act like royalty, noble, honourable and dignified, for we are children of the God~

grind it out.

So friday came. It's The end of the week. I am tired. I'm not overly happy. I don't want to do anything. God is good though. He made me remember something i said to him in prayer. I said, "LORD, i love you and you love me. I will never leave you because there is nothing better. Even if you never do anything for me again, the things you've done for me already, namely the cross, is enough for me."~ This has been a rough week, i've minimally felt God's pressense which i usually am in tune with. I'm definately not used to this, but i think it's more of a test than sin in my life. Can i stand without him, the answer is no. I fell hard and fast on the first day, but i got up and i walked forward. So here i am, trying to figure out how to continue being the person i'm supposed to be. Kind of ashamed of who i still am i guess. I look at all the "distance" i've come to realize that i'm not very much different than who i once was. I guess time will be able to test if i am indeed the man i want to be or a boy pretending. Time to grind it out. God, i will keep on following ur word and doin' as you commanded until i hear ur voice again and recieve my new orders. I highly encourage pplz to read Experiencing God. There is so much good stuff in it. Granted it's a little repetitive at the end but still, it's good stuff.

Cruel Intentions

So i was watching an old favourite last night, Cruel Intentions. Last time i saw it was ... i can't even remember to be honest. Definately my high school years. I was hoping it wasn't because of immaturity that i enjoyed it, but i realized it more than that. I think the only thing pplz remember in that film is the girls kissing and that's why last time i tried to see it pplz were saying things like, "ur just watching cuz of the kissing scene", or "i knew it was a guy that wanted to watch it". That bothered me a lot actually. There in fact is something i like about this movie and it's the identifiabilitiy of it. Yes, of course i like seeing pplz manipulate others and play the game, but it's also about pplz changing and turning from the dark side. I guess i watch it an it gives me hope that someone as messed up as Ryan Philippe's character can change so drastically over the summer. How as he reaches the moment of truth and how the flipflops back and forth because he's trying to become someone he wants to be, but falls back into who he used to be. He got the easy way out at the end. It was a happy ending. He redeemed himself and the evil sister was destroyed while the good and moral female was rewarded. A typical american film i guess with straight forward imagery (ie he always wears black and she wears white. there are instances when he wears white but it's all in context. yay, film studies). So, i expect to rise to the occasion and continue to be a man that strives. If i'm lucky maybe i'll have my happy ending as well.

strife

But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. 2 Timothy 2:23~ I guess this just kinda speaks into my heart because of something that rocks my core or... upsets my applecart (lol, Roger). It goes back to that lust thing. So a friend and i had this long debate about it. It got us nowhere cuz we weren't really talking about the same thing. We weren't focused on the same thing. Deeper issues came to the surface. i won't talk about hers, but as for me...arrogance comes to the forefront. The simular to sasuke or byakaya. I don't know where to go from here now. Most of the talking was pointless and lead to a point where we were both upset to some degree. I feel like the dispute only generated strife. It's funny how there are things that see says i don't do while the entire point of my existance in her world was to do those things for her. So i guess it's time for me to change my role or move on. If there is nothing for me to offer other than strife and there is nothing they offer me other than strife where do we stand? i guess i have outlived my usefulness to this person. maybe i should fade for a bit.

walking continuous

I guess today is a day where the pain of life seems most clear. Rarely do i blog twice in a day but i feel like i should. I was thinking today, i should get a devotional book. I lent mine to a friend and have been reading scripture with fervor. I prefer the Bible more because my life is is mostly between God and I and most of the time others play only a minor role. Today my devo book came back to me on an interesting day i guess.

"The test of a man's religious life and character is not what he does in the exceptional moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times, when there is nothing tremendous or exciting on. The worth of a man is revealed in his attitude to ordinary things when he is not before the footlights...It takes a long time to get [in union with God], but keep at it. Don't give up because the pain is bad just now, get on with it and before long ou will find you have a new vision and a new purpose." - Oswald Chambers.

so where do i stand? in pain. i don't even know what i am to do, but i know the last thing God told me to do and i will continue to do that. Does knowing ever take away the pain? i suppose it's not. I really wish i had the exitement that Kenpachi brings to the table when he fights. He said this with regards to a challenge to a battle to the death, "battle to the death? GOOD! then i don't have to hold back." and with an insane smile he grows more and more excited. I kinda wish i was more excited about fighting the good fight. I'm being a wussy right now. Where is my resolve? When i live i should live fearlessly. I act not in a that is driven by fear of failure, but driven by a desire to suceed. I won't study because i fear doin' poorly, but because i want to do well. I will be a man, not because i fear being a boy for the rest of my life, but because it's who I Am. I let satan waste too much of my time over the last 30+ hours. It's time to move on. So i will not be afraid and i will excel during these times of quiet.

wearing a sweater....weakness

lol, it's kinda chilly. actually now that i think about it, i'm probably goin' to take the sweater off. Why am i even wearing one? Because it's cold when i wake up usually. Did i do all the work i wanted to? negative. Am i looking foward to getting a good night's rest? definately. Will that happen tonight? questionable. I don't know what the difference between this year and the last is really. I know i'm not really the same guy, but as i look down the path that i am taking i doubt this is who i want to become. At least i know it's in me to get up early. There is this part of me needs time off. I look at my schedule and i see a gap in a couple weeks, maybe i'll disappear for a bit. Maybe go back to TO or something. It's not even because i can stand it here or something, it's only october and i'm burnt out. Maybe i just haven't recovered from the last string of working or maybe i'm just not used to working like this or maybe just getting old (hence the sweater?). i guess there won't be much to this entry except for the fact that i'm exhausted and it's sick. i just totally bombed an exam yesterday. it was challenging but mostly i wasn't prepared. in my heart i don't want to do any of this and i can't seem to force myself into it. Please don't anyone say, "don't worry, it's probablynot as bad as you think". i hate when pplz say that. i have a very good sense of how i did. Passing is a best case scenerio. It just kills me being so disenchanted with school and learning. i guess i will continue in the motions. "The world does not disappear when i close my eyes. i have to continue to believe that my actions still have meaning." - Memento

lust~ Devos~

What is lust? it's always seem abstract to me and mostly because i've been told it's not an outward thing. There are outward signs, but it's mostly in the heart. So i've begun to think about the difference between temptation and lust. I can't seem to find the distinction of the two actually. Lust seems to be when our heart wants something, kinda like coveting ya know. But I would think all temptation works like that too, wanting to sin that is. so were is the line between temptation which is not a sin, to lust which is. This mostly arises from some disturbing dreams i've been having, not just about lust in the sense of girls and stuff, but also more disturbing things (not guys! get ur mind outta the gutter). Subconscious lust? I know when i wake up those things are things that the darker half of me would enjoy. Is that temptation, i doubt it, but what is that all about? And it's not like during the day i won't wonder what it would be like if those things were to happen. Next i would like to talk about temptation to perform lustful actions, now does that count as lust or is that just temptation because it would be a temptation if i wasn't already thinking about it, now would it. Like the temptation to steal something, it's not like i would even think about it unless i already wanted and desired it and coveted it. Ideas anyone??? I'm kinda lost~ lol~

On the plus side i know it will be revealed to me soon. Usually that's what happens. God places a serious question in my mind and somehow the answer comes. God is coolz that way.

What else...well i've currently be reading 1 Tim as you all know, not much to say really. The most impactful ones were 3:7, 4:8, 4:13. In 3:7 there is talk about having a good reputation as a deacon. I guess reputation is something that's always been interesting to me. I'v never really cared about my own, but always liked the idea. I guess i'm starting to build it now since God has given my clarity on how to live a life of a Christian. I hope that i don't taint the name of Christians or defile the name if Christ. People are constantly watching and this is the benefit we have as Christians. They watch us because we claim to be different, but they will be changed because we are in fact different. Makes life easier if we walk the path, makes it hard if we stray, but at least it keeps us accountable i guess.
4:8 is a pretty common one. My mom told me this once upon a time and i never really thought about it much. She used to run on the treadmill but post verses beside the machine so she could read it and she say something like, "if i'm goin' to spend time on this physical activity i should definately more time on training in godliness." I thought that was coolz, and i find that the morning time i could go to the gym i spend doin' devos, so it's nice to know that i'm doin' something right.
finally v13: ¹³ Till I come, give attention to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine. (NKJV). i find the nkjv better because it means more i think. NIV says public reading, preaching and teaching. Yeah, that's great but i find i were to say that to pplz of our generation it would mean for them to serve and be in the forefront of the church. YES, i know tim was that person, but giving attention to reading, exhortation and doctrine is all of our responsibilties and we should all take it seriously. So i just thought i would put it that way instead.

I encourage you all to keep searching for answers and training in godliness. God is good and will not let your efforts go to waste.

thoughts at home...

So I’m back at home now sitting in a house that seems foreign and familiar at the same time. It’s an overcast day. One where I know I have to do lots of readings and studying. Oddly enough though, things aren’t that bad. I’m actually pretty happy to be back. It’s nice to know that there are minimal conflicts to come home too. So here I am again. I don’t know what to expect from this weekend and I feel no insight coming. It’s ok though, God still speaks to me even though he doesn’t say things about stuff I wanna hear.
So I’ve been flipping through my Bible to find books too read and I came to Timothy. Yun Ping’s favourite and I though it would nice to read. I’m reading 1 Timothy and I’ve gotten to the part where Paul talks about the grace of God. I’ve always enjoyed reading Paul’s appreciation of God’s grace and mercy because each day I try to stand in awe of the same thing. God is my strength and he has chosen me to do his work and those things I’m am ever thankful. His mercy and grace are contrasted by my choices to sin. At least Paul didn’t know what he did was wrong though, I do, but God still takes me back. WOWZA~! How can I not be thankful? Once someone said, “God is the one that made me this way, why should I be thankful?” All I know is that I have the choice now to do what I want, regardless of what I was before, and I still choose wrong. He forgives me for choosing wrong and that all I need to know now. So Christ displays his unlimited patience and I feel that as he continually calls me back. It’s funny cuz I was just praying about that last night. I’ve learned to appreciate his discipline. Maybe this is outta context but his Rod and Staff in fact comfort me even though he uses them to discipline me. To know he loves me enough to keep me close. I said this last night in prayer, “nothing would break my heart more than to be away from you.” Ultimately I know that’s the truth even though I choose other things at times. But he loves me enough to give me what I need.
The Beginning of chapter 2 about making requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone. It kinda reminds me that I don’t pray with enough fervor on consistently enough. I will do that more in the future. I will not let school get in the way of my spiritual life.
So it’s nice to be here and take a step back from this world that blurs my vision of what is truly important. School will be done in a timely manner and adequate results as the grace of God provides, but I must be faithful.

Sidenote: I was talking to a friend about his spiritual life the other day. Important conversation, but it was about to run into a class I was supposed to go to. I was debating about whether to stay and help my brother or go to class. Part of me said, “God people are more important than grades” and the other parts said, “If you truly have faith then you will do what God has told you to do, and let him take care of his work.” So I guess that’s the recommendation to all the school kids, balance the two things. Both statements are true I think. The important thing is that neither ministry nor school is an excuse to get out of the other and we should truly seek what God wants us to do at each moment. I don’t think there is a hard a fast rule. God will always answer in time. So I went to class because I knew at that moment there was nothing God wanted me to do for this brother. So class was where he wanted me. There are also times when I give up study time to spend time with brothers and sisters. God will let you know.

Wind, Lions and Christ~ Back to those 3 things

I guess part of me is being passive these days. In my life on constant war there are no days off. I've been playing cs and there is never a time to stand around. When I stand i will die. It's ok to camp a little or being patient essentially, but standing around accomplishes nothing and usually ends up as a gang killing of 3 on 1. The one of course is me. So "a little sleep, a little slumber, A little folding of the hands to sleep— So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler, And your need like an armed man." Proverbs 6:10-11. Keep pushing cuz if we stop we will not survive. I don't want to be overtaken nor destroyed.
Destruction is common in Hosea, which i'm reading right now, but it's interesting how all the destruction in chapter 13 comes not from satan, but from God. So the first 3 things, the wind, lion and Christ are destroyers. There is talk of how sinful man is like mist, dew, chaff and smoke (v3) and the point is that these things last only for a moment and the wind ultimately takes them all away. God will destroy those that are mist and dew. I guess in line with that metaphor i guess the wind doesn't come unless we open the door/window for it. So we must open our hearts to let God in to clean out the sin in our lives as well maybe? The next metaphor was that of the wild beasts and namely lion, leopard and bear. Basically God is saying that he is very willing to bring "tear us apart" (v 8) if we are sinful. I'm just saying, the indeed God is loving, merciful and patient, but that does not mean he will save us from all consequences of sin. But (v14) he has taken away the biggest consequence, death. So he will not hesitate to lay the smack down as i feel all too often, or i guess not often enough depending on how you look at it, but Christ has destoryed death already. He showed no compassion and thoroughly destroyed it (death, plague and destruction).
So what does this all mean to me? I don't know what to take away from this really. This doesn't help me much since i was hoping for a "aw...there there, if you turn back God loves you lots", but instead i got something like, "those that sin will be punished, but God still loves you, repent." So the subtle difference is there, but it's important to know that God will discipline me. We always talk about gracious love, but i delight in the fact that he cares enough to discipline. So it's nice the book (Hosea 14:9) ends like this, "Who is wise? Let him understand these things. Who is prudent (or discerning in NIV)? Let him know them. For the ways of the LORD are right; The righteous walk in them, But transgressors stumble in them. I reminded of the 3 things i constantly strive for, discernment, wisdom and discipline. Those 3 are the key tools i think. I guess my eyes have just gotta keep focused on eternity.

Weakness is not justification for sin. Anyone that says i'm too weak is just being stupid. That's why it's tough, there is no excuse other than we chose it. Ironic how as i talk about these things i fall so readily. I know of my weakness and know how satan works, and all that stuff and yet allow myself to fall. I choose to fall. So Hosea really speaks to me in the sense that i'm adulterous too. I'm just lucky God hasn't ripped me apart. I will continue to strive and train. But i think most important for me, i gotta learn to run away. Someone once said to me, "you can run from ur problems forever". We're supposed to flee from temptations, So i will. No good can come of confronting temptations. It's like a grindstone, maybe it sharpens the sword at the beginning or something like that, but ultimately it wears it away until there is nothing left. Oh for some MTG context, maybe it take the crap outta ur deck, but when you're left with no deck, you'll regret it. So i'll run. from temptation and into God's arms.

sorry this was a long and unplanned blog, but i just start and stop as the Spirit moves~

another anime blog~

for those who don't know me i watch anime. THe nice thing about anime is to constant stiving to become stonger and essentially be the best at what you do. that's why i watch naruto and now bleach has brought me some value. I've been thinking about blogging on bleach for a while because the main character, Ichigo, has a living sword that he learns to depend on. Sound familiar? It's goin' to be my parallel to the Bible~ lol~ yeah, i guess it's not a far stretch now is it? HOpe you didn't have to think too hard for that. I dunno, i'm not goin' to get into it, i'm just goin' to bring a line out of last ep. Zangetsu (the sword) says this to Ichigo as they are training: "Just because you're weakening doesn't mean i'm goin' to take it easy on you." I get that feeling when i'm reading the Bible sometimes. LOL, have you ever looked for comfort and just found God challenging you? I know i have. But then Ichigo says something like, "I expect that, I'm also not goin' to take it easy on you." meaning he will continue to try his best. So that's my take away. I mean it honestly doesn't matter how i feel if God is in charge. He will never let me break and i will never take a break (play on words? i'm not even sure if it counts as one). Last night God gave me a small quiz i think. I'm doubting that i passed. I do let distractions get in the way. I feel like there are so many of the same distraction in my life. I guess it's all satan has got for now~ lol. I guess it does lead to me question whether my actions are in line with God's will. But i guess my job isn't to pass judgement on myself since i don't actually know. I will just strive to be who i think God wants me to be.

Sidenote: crap...i forgot. it was right there....oh well

an unacceptable fear~

fear is something that rises in my and i hate it. This is mostly due to the fact that i think all fear in my life is totally pointless. Yet this is the one that constantly resurfaces. The fear of failure. Now i should be studying right now, but i thought getting this off my chest would definately help me focus. This fear is what leads me to procrastinate most of the time. I'm not lazy as much anymore, just scared to find out that i don't know what's goin' on. The fear in admission that i don't know what's goin' on. Weird? I dunno, but it's something i'm trying to overcome. That is what fear is for, overcoming. There is nothing of this world that should invoke fear in my heart because i know that God is with me and nothing happens unless God has allowed it. Since i know he wont let me break i know that there is nothing to fear. So i encourage everyone to face their fears and realize how foolish they are as i go back to studying and destroying this monster in my life. There is nothing i can't do with God by my side. LOL~ satan is pretty good at what he does, i mean, to be able to mess me up for a couple days in a long time i think. LOL~ But, he will fail in planting seeds of doubt in my life. Don't let satan ever have the satisfaction of coming between you and God. I don't even care what reason he has for it, thwarting satan makes me happy cuz by doin' that i am by defult serving and growning closer to God. So like Roger said, he wants to be known by all demons because of how faithful and strong he is. I want to be on satan's "Hitlist" as well. for u naruto geeks, i wanna be an s rank in the demon handbook~ lolz~ anyway, fear gone, back to studying happily knowing i'm loved and protected by God and strong enough to overcome satan through Him. For those who think they lack the strength let me just say this, "We aren't strong enough to do it by ourselves, we're not supposed to anyway. All we need to do is make the choice that we want to overcome and God does all the work." There is no need for "the strength" he will provide that, we just need the desire to do it. Pray that i may be close to God so i may be strong. Pray the i never lose my resolve. Pray taht i will bear the cross daily and that i may walk with the LORD. I feel satan putting in OT for me, something great is goin' to happen soon i feel. I pray that God grace will see me through. :D This morning started terribly, but GOd is coolz that way. I am now closer to him and peace has filled my heart and replaced fear. God is good. surely i will dwell in the courts of the LORD all the days of my life. I don't use hopfully because that's hesitation, i use surely because i will.

retreat~

not much to say about it actually. I kinda drifted through this one again. I find it common for me to do that. I mean just turn off and do nothing while some actions are being carried out. I guess i was tired. I did manage to spend lots of time with the frosh and pplz i don't usually chill with. I guess that's why it felt so different cuz i was building new with some pplz instead of being deeper with pplz i already know. So i guess i'm doin' what i'm supposed to be. Since i know that i don't have as many higher level connections with pplz as i should. Did i learn anything in particular...i guess nothing specific. Funny thing, yun ping's english name is alex!! weird, i just never knew~ lol~ anyway, a couple pplz were around as he was talking about his future wife and how God had told him who it was goin' to be and everything. It's just coolz how God speaks to us so differently. Yun Ping knows for sure who it's goin' to be while i don't have any idea of whether i'll get married or not. But i guess knowing and not knowing doesn't change the how i live my life so i don't know, while yun ping's faith is strengthened and he strengthens others. I guess only what benefits us will be revealed. One key take away came from roger this weekend: Jesus did nothing until he was 30. John the baptist didn't even know him. He was a nobody!! The Son of God was a nobody for 30 years!! Crazy. Just a reminder of my need to be patient and wait on the calling of God. Something i'm kinda trying to do. I've always been comfortable being a nobody as far as this world is concerned, i just hope i can be patient and wait for God to use me.