despite it all~

man, sometimes when i'm at colluni i just don't feel right. (wow, that's argueably the most direct thing i've said about anything the entire time i've written colluni being a specific group and my distaste is obvious). I feel like something is outta place and i shouldn't be there or like they are hindering me in some way. It's strange how when we were praising about giving up our hearts and minds to God, or something of that effect, i couldn't say that. i dunno what it was and lalala~ Then in my find flash an image. for about a second of my contempt, distaste and all that jazz i saw a face that went with it all. I can only assume it was satan, and then i laughed. I laugh because he tries so hard to destroy in my mind what God is doin'. So i guess tonight the main msg is that i can not only worship despite imperfection (mine and colluni's) but also inspite of satan and his foolishness. To be honest, i kinda feel God callin' me back to scac for another year. Satan will not take that blessing away from me.

dreams...and then some...

dreams are one of the reasons i like to sleep. the beauty of the holidays is that i can sleep past the rest stage of my sleep and enter the near concious stage where i'm almost awake and am aware enough to see and partially remember my dreams. Dream this morning? anime style~ i don't even watch anime or more accurately haven't watched in a while. It's always interesting to see what my mind can concoct. I even saw the split screen thing when you see the reactions of 4 pplz at once in my dream. lol~ i miss dreaming. i really like the idea of waking up late in the day with no hurry to do anything.

realization: day traders (what i want to do kinda) don't get that luxury. As i was watching a show i realized that i'm pretty risk adverse. As i was reading forbes i realized that it coolz to know what's goin' on in the world of business though. So where do i stand with my future? lol, i have no idea. i'm assuming when the time is right i will be prepared so i pretty much do whatever i can as i'm heading towards the future and find out what God has in store.

"ready for a relationship": funny how i say i'm not ready and i hear it all the time yet i never questioned what that means. What does it mean to be ready and why do i feel like i'm not that? i guess this came to me after a friend said they were definately not ready and i wondered what they meant. So here i am wondering why i don't think i'm the man i want to be. I wonder if i'll ever have that completeness...that heart of true love for another person that i may not seek them as a means to my ends, but as an ends in themselves. Damn Kantian ethics~ so vague~ lol. i just want to be able to treat the woman i'm with (assuming goin' to marry, but one step at a time~ gotta find one first~ tee hee) like that "part of my own body" ... actually probably a little better than that since i kinda trash up my body. I'm just too selfish right now i think. When will i grow up? I just take what i want. Then again i don't know if that's a bad thing. I mean, if i was too rational would that mean i don't love deeply enough? crazy. i guess for now i wait, because it's safe and i'm risk adverse. At least i know that waiting was never part of my thoughts before and just the fact that i'm willing to wait now may mean i'm serious about this. But then again, i might just be a pussy now~ we'll see

information. communication.

I guess it will always bugs me when those things are absent from my life. I guess part of me believes (ever since philo) that lack of information takes away my autonomy. The entire, "had i known what there was to know i may have acted differently", feeling, ya know? I really don't understand why the information wasn't communicated. it's not like my life is unaffected by it. just frustrating. And when pplz try to compare themselves to me in the similar situation and say, "well i can't see why i'm any less frustrated than you" makes me just wanna kill myself. Just for the fact that you can say something like that would mean ur not a frustrated as me i would think. It's like the, "i slept less therefore i should be more tired". I don't care how tired you are, all i know is i'm tired. Wuz with the pissing contest? I dunno what to say really, i mean, i don't understand why there is such a big problem with the passing of information. I don't explain things well, but i try to keep pplz posted. If pplz don't know what i say i can clarify. In my mind i have information and i try to get it out there...i dunno...man...i'm just bleh with all this crap. I try to give time estimations, i try to give schedule break downs, locations and stuff, and i dunno, i guess i value these things more than others. To some pplz "it's not like i can do anything about the situation" is good enough. I just wanted to know before being committed to these things. Why is it so hard? Maybe i expect too much. I guess i've always expected too much from family. LOL, look at that, the hour has passed and my dad has forgotten that i was supposed to be gone by now. A phone call would have been nice. But again it's not like i will be able to get it. Should i let go more? i think so. I know i am uptight most of the time. I'm in business. Information is important. to be honest it is in any field. I will always say this because i heard it when i was a kid and it stuck to me, "information is ammunition". I like to be fully loaded.

Psalm 73

The wicked and the pure are very different obviously and i guess in a simplistic world we will reap what we sow. I don't think that's the case, per se. Not in this world at least, and even in the next coem to think of it. Knowing that God is merciful and quick to forgive so i dunno. I guess this all stems from the 'wicked prospering' in the early part of the passage. In v13 it talks about how the psalmist has kept pure in vain but then in v17 he enters the sanctuary of God and understood their final destiny. He talks about all this stuff about how they are lead to destruction and on slippery ground and stuff. I guess for those that never turn to God yeah. Their destruction will be swift. I guess for me there are 2 take aways. The first is the obvious, God will take care of us in the end. THere is no concern for that. The psalmist had an issue and God met him where he was. v24 talks about how the psalmist was counselled and taken to glory. But then when i think further about reaping what i sow, i want to be able to say that when someone gets good for evil and stuff that it's for me to trust God in taking justice and also if these people will turn to God because of mercy then i should rejoice with them. I guess this is how even though i don't see the words saying it, the Spirit reveals it to me. Yay, Living Word~ back to the reading. I just wanted to get that out there for y'all.

Memoirs of ...

ME~! tee hee ... naw there is nothing about the movie really, haha~ trixed you~

it's jus that i saw it today and it's third movie since i got back. do i have nothing better to do with my time? not really, but then again i really enjoy watching movies and none of them have been a flop. All enjoyable in their own way. i don't really know why though, but i talk a lot during these movies. A lot by my standards as well. I guess it's because i haven't talked to these people in a long time and i see the movie to be with them so i wanna talk to them. It was an interesting movie memoirs was. Weird in the robbing the cradle sense, and why all the japanese people are actually chinese in reality, but it's aight, i still enjoyed it. iunno what i'm writing about really. I guess i could write about how tired and bleh bleh bleh....ya know or how i have stuff i'm supposed to do but not doin'. whatever. wednesday will be my work day. i dunno what it is about TO, it's so crazy here. whatever~ My mind is full of incomplete thoughts, just clips of "wow, i'm really happy with the kids that got baptized over this past weekend. most of them were really mature in their thoughts. it's great how God has shown me hope and how he in fact always takes care of his flock (which i knew, but wanted to see anyway)" or thoughts like "there is someone i want to see, always hoping they would be online, i don't see them, but everytime i think it's for the best" or "mmm...delicious sleep" or "can i say, like the girl in memoirs, 'every step i took since that day was to be closer to you', to God?". I will continue to do what i think i should. sleep for now. waiting as well. no more being foolish.

back in the t-dot

wow, it's crazy being back here. Things are so ... weird. I feel like there is soo much i have to do. Things are sooo ... iunno...i'm just sooo busy that everyday is packed with stuff to do. i wanted to sit and relax and read. I can't very readily do that because of the pplz that are here that i don't get to see very often. I guess i will continue this for a few more days until after Christmas and then just chill. At least i hope i will. I barely have time to do my Bible readings. Funny thing, my parents keep trying to make a big deal outta my birthday. It's nothing to me and soo much to them. I dunno why. Oh well, maybe if i'm a parent one day i'll figure it out. I just want quiet time~ not just the parents, but friends as well. Not to say i don't like them or wanna spend time with them, but it's a little bit nuts. i gotta sleep now~ super tired. i'll try to post more. i know how much i miss other pplz posts. Esp those who's online journal that i check every half hour. you know who you are~ lol.

accept God's plan, not just that parts you like~

I don't know what the crap is goin' on. I failed a course, ask the prof to pass me and he's not goin' to it seems. What does that mean? nothing, i work hard already maybe there is more potential to extract? regardless i want to try this at least once in my life, 6 courses is what i want next term. I can't say that i tried hard in course A and God blessed me and somehow i'm cursed in course B. i tried hard for all of them. I do what i can, i force myself to do as much work as i can and this is the result. In faith i say that my life is exactly where it should be. Do i know it? Being unshaken by the current state of affairs i would think that my faith holds. THIS IS God's will. I never knew how the people would say in the OT they are at peace with God because i always thought that we always have sin in our lives, but somehow despite that fact i can say i'm right with God. Somehow i am right and the situation is bad, yeah, that sounds right. I expect to be constantly tested in faith and for me to not be able to give up school into the hands of God is ridiculous. I do it for him, plain and simple. I guess it's nice to have this to sober me a little right now. I better rest up, while i get the chance. Next term will come and i apologize in advance to those who don't see me and to those who see me too much (sorry med syd, i might be over every night)

quick rant, oh look, i talked about this, slightly more about materialism and Bibles

this is supposed to be a quick rant, but sometimes things get a little nuts so we'll see. Materialism is something that bugs me lots. I guess it's just the having to look good and pursuing the stuff that society values. maybe it's just because materialism is one of the things that we follow the world in. Ya follow?? like how people go and get bling or dress a certain way. kinda like everything has to be fashionable i guess is my biggest ... grrr, ya know. I find that this mentality has kinda seeped its way into Bibles. i remember a time when Bibles were just books that looked like a book. Not the cute pink fuzzies or the cool blues, just a black book with red rimmed pages. if you went high class maybe you'd have gold rimmed pages. But it would pretty much look like a book of the plain sort. every time look at the case for my Bible i wanna throw it out (the case, not the Bible). This seems really familiar, i apologize if i already talked about this. yes, it was 2 blogs ago. I just remember so vividly being at Mitchel's with a friend was getting a Bible for her sister. HOw did she choose, not the version that she thought her sister would like, not the one that had themost to teach her sister. it was the cutest and smallest because her sister would like it best because it's cute and convinient! I dn't get it, i hope this is not what we've become. let me tell you what's on the case of my Bible: "Innovated, fresh looks that reflect todays progressive styles! lightweight, portable and downright stunning, Nelson's Life and Style Bibles communicate individual personality and artful awareness. THey're the "go-anywhere" Bibles for today with contemportary looks for every season". Something about that soooo doesn't sit right~ Since when were BIbles a fashion statement? since when do we need looks for every season? lightweight and portable are great, except that just because they took out stuff (ie concordence). There is nothing wrong with being styles per se, but for me to think about why i choose a Bible over another one is sure as hell not goin' to be "this is pretty" or "this is light". And no, u can probably tell that i don't think every Bible is the same or even every translation is the same. There are some that place emphasis on translations (ie either word for word or phrase by phrase) but then there those that are just plain easier to understand. Growing up on NIV i've gotten used to it, NKJV is right now my favourite because i find the OT is clearer in it. NLT may be good for those that the meaning is more than the individual words. I just get so mad when pplz value the outside of a Bible over the inside, but ultimately i'm bugged by the idea that pplz would even care about the cover of their Bible. To be honest, i just wanted a black cover with silver rim. I carry around my old student Bible still anyway. It's weird how that is my "go to" and the NKJV is just my side one. NO offense shelbs. i really like the gift. It's just the case that bugs me mostly. I can't believe a company like nelson bibles exists at all.

free falling

i dunno why the title is that. i just feel like i'm falling. It's that moment before i spread my wings and catch the updraft. the sun beating on my face and i close my eyes falling downward into ... i don't know where, but right now i know that i am home. I'm in the centre of something amazing right now. That's the way i feel and it's great. I guess it has something to do with someone i met, but then again i know it's also largely due to God's presence in my life. The freedom that is given my to do whatever benefits me. That's what a relationship with God has given me. The freedom to make my life better. Everything i do in him/for him is a gift and that's something that nobody can take away from me. I guess it's the realization that sitting and resting in the LORD brings such incredible freedom that 'doing' never could. I'm so happy to know that the sitting is what i do and the doing just happens as a biproduct of the resting. So i guess i'm like one of those baby eagles that's learning to fly. Right now i'm free falling and sooner or later i learn to fly or God picks me up and we fall again. either way, the weight of the world is not on my shoulders. i just gotta learn to fall/fly, not worry.

6 ways~

so i think i'm pretty screwed. "screwed 6 ways from saturday" is the term i'm sticking with. that exam was just as i expected, total "pwnage". I questions were similar to the midterms~ he acutally used the same situations, changed the numbers and stuff. I couldn't remember how to do them despite looking them over, thinking i understood them and kinda working them out a little. i blanked. whatever, that was my best~ me and my fool friends found it hard. i hope everyone did? lol~ whatever, i'm probably goin' to pass anyway just because i get this feeling i will. Hope? GOd? i dunno, something tells me i will. Monday i'll find out. I named my Bibles now that i have 2. no, they aren't twin names. i find that release commands are so much easier to come up with~ lol~ i'm a silly boy i guess. It's interesting to have a NKJV now. My mind is always somewhat disturbed that it's so "stylish". Makes me wonder why the Word of God has to be prettied up? Are we that materialistic that even that something with so much private value must be made pretty to have public value as well? That's kinda why i like to dress plain. I don't want to fall into the traps of this world. Sorry prelude, it's good that ur no longer in production. i look down at my clothes and smile~ i'm wearing my $5 t, $18 jeans, my $60 walmart boots and it's great. sorry girls, i know ur stuff is much cheaper but this is the lower limit of guy clothing. lol~ It's just nice to not care about standing out the way the world expects me to. It was the most liberating day when i realized that ratings, clothing, and marks don't make me who i am. done~ i got a xanga ~ my user name is enochtang, i have one entry. i'm trying to keep max one per day, but now i can squeeze two if i want~ lol~

Just-In-Time

Life ... it's odd sometimes...When i think things are goin' one way they go another. I'm happy that God is also a fan of the "just-in-time" system. When i study i leave almost no buffer time. The closer i come to the exam the more exact my schedule becomes so that i'm done studying just-in-time for the exam. Yesterday i woke up an hour earlier for what i thought was no reason. It's funny cuz when God does that i know. So i got up went to school and did my study and play thing. I was pretty much done and i was about an hour early. Weird how my system is pretty good. I dunno what i'm goin' to do so i thought it would be coolz to find some devos and chill before my exam. God had more interesting plans. I end up talking to an old friend. She's...i think she's a newb. The type that knows and doesn't commit, ya know. She even said she avoided commiting because she knows she'll feel guilty when she breaks that commitment. It was a really good talk though. I really miss talking to her. She is always so busy. Hopefully i'll get to see her over the break. So i'm praying for her. That was the bulk if yesterday. Lesson: when God has a schedule go with it. If i dind't get up an hour early i would have soooo missed out on talking to her. The exam was ok, but the marks will prove one way or the other. Either way, i put my life into God's hands. Whatever he asks of me will be done.

highlight of the day

it's always the highlight of my day when i get my chance to blog and do my Bible readings. I guess things have really changed since i was a kid and hated those things. That Mark Cahill video i saw kinda helped me put life into perspective. that and seeing the life changing work that the Bible does. I'll work backwards in explaining the two things. Last year in men's cell i saw some guys pull out verses that they learned so much from and it seems like they were sooo far ahead of me. Even frosh were more advanced than me in their walk. That was the straw that broke the camel's back i guess, that and the mark cahill video "light in a dark world" or something like that. He talks about something i'm pretty sure i've mentioned before, but i feel like it deserves rementioning. He talks about how many of us see what we do in our christian walk (ie. prayer, Bible reading, church, sundayschool) as a chore, as something we gOt to do. He says that we got just one small problem with our perspective and it's that one letter. it's not gOt, it's gEt. It's not a chore, it's a privilage. That was destruction for me at the time. For example, back in the OT days only the high priest could talk to God, now we all can, why aren't we???? and many pplz don't have churches or sunday school and here we are with them and we don't go. What's up with that???? Honestly, that's why i go to prayer meetings. I'm mad sucky at praying, but praying isn't about being eloquent or anything. It's just saying what God has put into my heart. My prayers are abrupt and awkward, i don't care and neither does God. I pray the way that my heart feels the/ the Spirit moves me to. It's definately not the same as everyone elses and i would expect everyone elses to be different than mine in style of course, not in msg. It's like the Bible, all the same msg, but different styles. So take those things that God has given you and enjoy the gift for what it is, the greatest gift there is. He is our joy, not job, ya know~ Granted there are times i don't feel very joyful, but in the long run only the joy remains.

nothing really~

i've been away for a bit, always feels like a long time. MedSyd, wuz goin' on? i never visited when i was in first year and now i'm with you all the time~ crazy~ so here i am, again pretending to be a normal kid that interacts with pplz. i'm actually at eldon's waiting for him to wake up for breakfast. I don't like my neglect of friends to be what destroys the relationship. Hopefully we'll get a good chat outta it. I dunno what to say, it's been an odd few days i guess. lol, i got hit by a car on saturday. it's funny, now i know what BK felt when that car hit him. The car that hit me was making a right turn outta the macdonalds and was staring left, as i pass the front of his car he accelerates into me. i jump back cuz i see his eyes were looking for traffic only. he doesn't stop. i hit the hood, doesn't stop. after i repeatedly hit the hood and he's half way done turning does he look back forward. silly rabbit. i could have gotten hurt if it wasn't for my odd habit of watching eyes of drivers (thank you uncle Gordon, my driving instructor) and God. LOL~

To be honest though, i've kinda been thinking about nothing. what i'm doin' right now means nothing to me. i'm just doin' it because i know i should. I guess that's something i grew up with, the "i do it because i have to" and i don't always know why i have to either. I do realize that that there is a reason we don't work 7 days as week. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life because i decided that sunday was my sabbath. The pre-meditated day of rest helped me truly enjoy what it meant to be a human. It came to the realization that for me to continue to work 7 days a week didn't make sense. Do i have to because of the amount of work? I could definately benefit from it, but knowing that i should be resting shouldn't i just work harder the other 6 days? To say that i disobey the commandment because of laziness is unacceptable. What about: "well it's not like i need that much rest anyway"? Then is it to say that God's commandment is not good enough for me. That even though God says i should rest that i think he's wrong and i don't need to rest? Even worse i would think. I came to the conclusion that if i have no reason to work in light of these things then i can't work. What is it that i am trying to achieve here on earth, it's not high marks, it's the glory of God and ultimately that comes from obedience. Everything we end up doin' is because of that. Psalms 40:6a (i didn't plan this, it's just the beauty of how the Bible fits together) "Sacrifice and offering you do not desire, but my ears you have pierced; ..." I do not want to have to explain to God why i purposely ignored his commandments and did what i want. Before i didn't know and now i do. It's sad how i never really cared about the sabbath. It just seemed so abstract because i never took the time to read it or how it wasn't revealed to me or at least my heart was not revealed to me. That's why i sooo apprciated when people flesh out their thoughts into words. As thoughts become words they miraculously become solid and tangable.

side thought: What does it mean to love someone? I think there is that line between always wanting to see them and leaving them alone because you know they would benefit from it. That's one aspect i think. Best for her vs best for myself. Can i love God so deeply that i do what he wants as opposed to what i want? I guess that's the first step for me in my path to love. If i can't love God how loves me so much then i can't say i love myself because to love myself is to love God in the pure business sense of cost benefit. God offers an infinate Return on Equity. If i can't love him or myself, how do i love others? I don't want to subject someone to my incomplete heart. If you are out there, wait for me. If ur are not, then God be patient with me.

wow, i guess i wasn't thinking about nothing.

my prayer

I gues this will be quick since it's just before my exam now. 7PM - 9PM is when the exam is. I'm reading Psalms. I'm not studying anymore. I guess i just wanted to really express my feelings right now and not really talk about my days or something. I just feel like saying...or more accurately, this is my prayer: oh LORD do not let your servant be put to shame. In my hour of need you have always carried me through. LORD you are unchanging and faithful and i ask that once again you pour out ur mercy and grace. I know that none can compare to ur majesty and LORD i thank you for being a God who's will cannot be twarted. If you will it to be so then it is. I pray that u be my strength and that i do not rely on my weakness, but rest soley on ur strenght. My mind and body are nearing the limit and it will be to your credit only when i recieve what you bestow to me. Let me continue to be a child of light. A child that delights in your glory. Let nothing i do bring me away from you. So LORD use me in bringing many sons to glory. I put my life into ur hands. I would like pretty grades to decorate myself, but LORD, what you offer, life crown of life and ur love, is worth more than anything of this world. LORD help me continue to stand in awe of you and not be plagued by the cares and worries of this world. In the powerful name of Jesus i pray, Amen.

feels like ... forever ago~

when was the last time i blogged? wednesday is what the counter says. i'm in the same room as i was that day (1030 ssc) it's about the same time maybe? i dunno, time is always the same here. I don't know what's goin' on anymore. time is passing very rapidly and yet very slowly at the same time. It feels like day and days have gone by and that each moment is dragging on because it feels like ... i dunno~ my words can't express it. Sleeping patterns are messy, i'm ballin' so it's nice. got a couple decent blocks in. Getting some work done. I'm behind really. I feel a little dead on the inside. Other than ball i might have been totally destroyed. I'm losing my grip on reality maybe. everything seems like a good idea. gotta go home eventually. gotta shower. i have no more socks~ lol~ it's nice to read Psalms of deliverance. To be honest, i know that i'm hardpressed right now. It's great to know that my LORD owns econ and finance :D~~ I'm not worried about this first one, but the ones that are coming up might be a little harder to handle, but who cares? God has it under control. my best is all i have to offer. tee hee. Anyway, i just wanted to ... i dunno, just let pplz in to my world of sleeping at school and trying to study. I think i am starting to crack a little~ hoping to last until after exams. prayers are highly needed.

you shouldn't feel that way~

one of the phrases i hate to hear to most~ screw y'all if you wanna tell me how to feel~ No, nobody's told me that recently, but it's always been a pet peeve (sp?) of mine when pplz try to tell me how to feel and what perspective to take to feel better. The latter is aight, but not initially. I was reading Psalm 30 today and it was talking about how weeping comes in the night or when God hid his face the psalmist was dismayed. I could say, "well you should be fine because it's not like God is actually gone", but it sure doesn't feel that way. I honestly think we all feel for a reason and for pplz to say ridiculous things like, "don't feel that way" or "you should feel this way" or foolishness like that is counter productive. Feelings are legitimate is all i wanna say. if i'm mourning then mourn with me, if i'm happy then rejoice with me. At least as far as i'm concerned, tears will come (figurative ones), but God will pick me back up. Just when the time comes be there, that's all i ask or want. it's not that any person has induced me to write this, it's just that i feel the Psalmist so i thought i would toss it out there for y'all.

funny phrase: "Beggers can't be choosers" lol~ so true~ am i too choosy when it comes to working with fellow Christians and non-Christians? i wanna make a dent for God and when i'm begging for that i should definately not be choosy~ so, yeah~ Thanks Martin for the quote.

Psalm 25~ anime note~

I'm reading through psalms right now (lol, p-salms, oh homer, ur so silly). I've gotten half way through in the past and just stopped for some reason, i dun really remember why, i guess i got tired or maybe i got to 118 and got scared off. I think it's the latter. Anyway, i guess i have a different appriciation for this book since last time i read it was in OAC. I've experienced so much more since those days of life. Not to say those were easy and carefree times, which they kinda were, but they were simpler times in the sense of the simplier things would bug me and now there are more things of a complex nature. I guess it's part of getting older, we are more and more equiped but also more is expected from us. I guess that's kinda the way i feel at uni~ i'm more able to do the hardcore things that seemed was impossible~ yeah, probably sleeping over again, crazy~ i don't even mind though. Not only am i smarter and more efficient, i'm also able to put in the hours. huge!! anyway, i ran across Psalm 25 (sorry i took so long to get to the pt) and the first part is about how those that put there trust in the LORD will never be put to shame. It's very comforting to know that as i try my best the LORD will ensure that i'm not shamed and i would think failing a course would be a huge shame, lol~ Also the psalmist says in v4-5: "Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long." Coolz huh? lol~ What's so cool you ask? i just think it's great because this morning is way praying and i say, "thank you God for...." and i paused. "...i dunno what to be thankful for. Life is tough and i'm not really getting anywhere and i don't know where i'm going". God heard me, tee hee~ What better illustration of my life direction than God teaching me his paths, or being guided by this truth? crazy, eh? It's sooo great to have a God that listens to all the random thoughts of the soul. Wow, it's like both concerns of mine (school and spiritual life) were addressed in this one psalm. God is soo efficient~ lol. conclusion, put ur hope in a God and follow lead. Seems like good advice~ lol~

anime note: I saw this a couple weeks back, just never wrote about it, it was very interesting though. Characters: Byakaya (Rukia's older brother, noble birth, good fighter), Rukia (younger sister, commited a crime, noble, about to be executed) and Ichigo (friend of rukia, regular joe, trying to save rukia). In the situation Ichigo and Byakaya are fighting. They fight because ichigo wants to save rukia and is also super confused about why byakaya won't save her. B says sthat if Ichi can beat him in a fight then he'll tell ichi the answer to why B doesn't save his own sister. At the end of the fight b loses and reveals why he fight so hard to make sure the execution takes place. He says something like, "We are of the noble birth and are to be an example to the rest. If we don't follow the rules then who will?" So i thought about that a little. As Christians are co-heirs with Chist and an example to man, right? Shouldn't we do everything by the book? If so why do i j-walk so much? lol~ Why do i speed? Can people look at me and see the righteousness than i am supposed to be an example of? Oh, B also said something about how emotions are useless because he has to do what's right no matter the costs because he's nobility. Not to say they are totally useless, but if they cloud the judgement of right and wrong then they should be discarded. It seems to me there may be strong emotions from B to rukia, but it may not be the case as well. Are we acting like the nobility that we are? i should definately strive for that although i live like a hobo (or snail) as well.

heart callin' ~

My heart is callin' for something right now. If only it would be more obvious about it. Whatever, i'll just keep typing and it will pop out eventually. staying over at ssc was sweet~ didn't have to bus to school in the ridiculous storm~ lol~ talked to my prof about stuff i didn't understand, a new experience for me, kinda. I never go to office hours, now i know i will be at many. NO PRIDE~! w00t~ i got blocked by someone a head shorter than me, i was doin' my hop step on a drive and someone grabbed the ball outta my hands and i fell and proceeded to go coast to coast making it look easy. life is ridiculous sometimes~ lol~ At least i wasn't the only guy on the highlight reel~ there was a fast break where the offense through it off a defender's head and the ball went straight to another offensive fast breaker~ LOLERZ~! anyway, i'm back at SSC and i'm happy to be here actually. I learned that fear can be exciting. Fear should not overcome me, i shall embrace it and enjoy it~ To the paper!! (somehow feelin' better~ this blog is therapy~ pricesless!)

hardcore???

how is it hardcore to study until 4? it's common i would think, esp during exam season? i guess i just don't see why the location of where is sleep is even important? so i slept over at ssc to work on a paper. meh, stuff happens. i just don't see how this is hardcore in anyway~ it's so much more efficient since walking home takes forever~ might as well sleep here, i brought a change of clothes and stuff ~lolerz~ ball tomorrow, yay~ i feel like this is what it means to "burn the candle at both ends". sleep late and wake early and play sportz~ lolerz~ hopefully i'll finish the first draft by tomorrow then edit on saturday. Then start the rest of my studies on monday. Tonight was as odd night. Went to the Unity Semi (it's the campus Christian semi) tonight and i had a very bleh time i think. Logistics didn't work that well, i couldn't hear at times i could see at times and it was just odd. Whatever though, i enjoyed most of it. I got really down at the end though. I hated the music~ lol~ why does "clean" music have such crappy beats to it?? weird. It's odd how my usual temptations punched me pretty hard tonight. i was about to buy a pack of cigs for no reason~ My mind is so ... ownaged. I guess there is just some ... girl on my mind. mad destruction stylez~ (lol, ron, i sound like you now). Don't wanna say anything, don't want to be obvious, don't want to pursue anything, i just want to be happy with what we have. Maybe i'll just throw myself in the "friend zone" with a quick, "man i'm soo happy we're friends, i wish nothing ever changes". lol~ whatever, i gotta shake this. She's a great girl, i'm just not a great guy~ lol~ I would like to be a man before i go back into the world of romance. if i love a girl then i would not want to destroy her like i did in the past. time to grow up? i've not stopped trying. sleep time~