name of God

do you know God? one of the most basic things to know about a person is the name. why is God called the God of Abraham? Easy. Why is God called the "Fear of Isaac"? find it and figure it out~ the mystery that i'm trying to figure out. I also want to know if Jacob has an alternate identification in God. oh the wonder that is God.

so in my mind, other than the cough i'm pretty much 100%. i feel fine and all that jazz. I still can't concentrate but that's not a big deal, it could be for many reason since this week is highly different than the prior weeks. i found out i have 4 midterms in november. i pretty rude shock but oddly enough it doesn't matter. i keep saying i hate school and i hate my life and i figure everyone knows i'm joking~ lol~

something happened this week, sorry readers there is a slight need to be quiet about this for now. why? because i'm still trying to figure out what it was that happened. Does what happened change anything (hence my msn name)? part of me feels like nothing has changed. what did i even hope to accomplish? then there is the part of me that hope that there must have been and smiles when he thinks about it.

have y'all see the picture in my msn? pon and zi are so funny~ lol~ yay lizzy for showing them to me.

the things we do~

sometimes i wonder about why we do certain things or say certain things. An example in highschool was when i would put the work "like" in every sentance. "it's like, when i talk to my teachers i had to describle like every sitauation with that word." It's just a word we use in careless and thoughless moments i think. harmless kinda~ I find "just" and "you" to be my current careless words. Ever notices how many stories or descriptions start with do you know what YOU something something something vs do you know what I something something. I'm almost sure it will happen before it happens now. lol~

When people say just. "if you could just" or "i just..." i can almost guarentee 90% of the stuff that comes after isn't a small thing and yet we use the term "just" as if it were. "if you could just take care of those people, that would be great !" sounds like a normal sentance, it would be a) more concise without the word just and belittle the action less. "if you could take care of those people, that would be great!" sounds better and i feel is better. anyway. These are things i find as people are praying. "God, i just want something" or "if you could just change the world". It's strange how we add the word just to make our request seem small or something.

Now this long intro is not just to vent. I'm reading John 17:1-5 today~ i read it prior to today but i feel like i required the re-reading. So it's a prayer moment. Jesus looks up to the heavens and begins to pray. That alone is already counter to all the things i know about prayer. What is the BS about bowing my head and closing my eyes? If i read correctly Jesus looked up and was gazing. He pretty much knows God's timing and as he says, "the time has come, give me glory (almost imply that it's a demand from someone calling in a loan or something, "i did this and now you will do your part"). God promises so much but his promises are... see i don't want to say conditional but to some extent i think they are. It always draw attention to the old convenant when God said He will be their God and they will be my people. Those are two statements, like i've said before. He will be theirs if they remains His. They didn't and he busted them up and brought them back. Jesus brought glory for the Father and was himself, therefore, glorified. At this moment we are his people and he is our God. The new covenant has that said. Be what you are and he will give what you, by grace, were promised.

finally, i'd like to quickly draw attention to the term. Jesus addresses the Father as Father and himself as Son. obviously. Do we take the name of God seriously? Why do some people, myself included, re-use the same name of God when addressing a different part? Why "loving Father, destroy my enemies"? Why not, "God of Justice" or "God of Wrath"? why do we always start with, "Heavenly Father"? There are many instances of other names of God used in the Bible and yet we care only for the one? (Bonus: see John17:11)

in the end, i'm sorry if this seems like a rip at someone or something. it really isn't~ it's just something we should think about more as believers in a live God instead of followers of a death religion. We ought to know why we do the things that we do.

sorry to the avid readers, this is a rehash from some previous posts. maybe it was for you that i wrote anyway~

faith, hope and love to you who seek to know our God more and more~

prestige

i saw "The Prestige" last night. The title made so much more sense after watching it, lol~ Anyway, it's about magicians and how they have to go to extreme measures to create a magic trick and then keep it secret. They explain how there are three parts to each trick. The pledge, turn and prestige. Generally, the pledge is the showing of something seemingly ordinary, the turn is doin' something extraordinary to it, and the prestige (the most amazing part) is making it back into that something normal again. Usually a normal something, making it disappear, then making it reappear is the example.

It's a movie i have no intensions of explaining further and does get my two thumbs up. Go see it and you will understand.

One theme, like i said, is commiting to a trick. The entire life of a magician was to protect this secret and to live a life that doesn't reveal it. Or a more applicable phrasing would be, "he life is the secret". Christian spin time? Well isn't it true that are lives revolve around the secret that we know? they mystery of the Gospel. Our lives show how amazing this thing is (in their case by creating an illusion, in our case living the truth). so mcuh more to write, so little in my memory. deserving of another watch...

i've been sick and wow this one has got me messed up. I can't really comprehend my reading and i can't really do anything that requires physical ability and i've just been feeling bleh about it all. That turned into excitement when i figure i might have reached the 4th stage of developement. Soul. I caught a glimpse of not being able to sing or remembering words but my soul felt right with God. It was missing some elements but i knew my soul felt right. i guess it was the isolation that helped me see clearly. i can't tell what to do at this moment or anything actually~ it's weird to be without my mind.

weakness and hate~

"why are you weak? There isn't enough hatred in your blood" - Itachi~

i saw this scene quickly in passing watching some random AMVs during my period of being unable to sleep this morning. I saw in and the line came to me. A picture is worth a thousand words indeed. At that moment i was challenged. I went back to make sure my context was right.

context: younger brother (sasuke) is getting beat down by older brother (itachi). the elder had killed the entire clan except the younger brother. The sasuke now lives for vengance. in the time apart he has trained so he can be strong enough to kill itachi. Anyway, i thought about how that applied to me.

I wondered what i battle and yet lose to. Sin is the obvious answer. Why though? we have victory don't we? why am i weak? *smirk* obviously because i don't hate it enough. So for all you weaklings out there, don't make your lame excuses about how it's hard. Hate it and destroy it. That's something we all must remember, we are more than conquerors~ time to hate. help me hate and i will help you hate.

From John 15...after thoughs brough about by ron

John 15:18-27

i have no problems being hated by the world. It has always been in my mind that i would be hated because that is something i was taught. It's the other parts of the passage the tickle my interest though. It's the part when Jesus talks about how he came so people would have no excuse to say they didn't know about their own sin. It's kinda funny how ignorance seems to have been acceptable at one point of time and yet now is no longer like that. We have no excuse to say that we didn't know better since we have the Holy Spirit. Interesting. This can have lots of impact on how i live my life. I feel like i can make the assumption that anything i know is wrong is wrong and know to be right is right. I guess the important thing is now the "how do i know" part.

i am a big fan of justifying my actions. Many times those that justify are just squirming out of doin' what is right but consider this, they have now put more thought into the item of interest because they care. Like if i wanted to justify... let put it this way instead, Ecclesiates is just this one guy trying to figure out what's worth while. There is one point where the teacher talks about indulging and keeping his mind and widsom with him the entire time. When it comes down to it the teacher was not an idiot, he just needed to know. In the end he concluded the things we already know, partially because of him. In context he had to explore to know, we on the other hand know from his exploration and the HS. We still have need to justify what we do before God and man, we just don't have explore it on our own. We should think. We should deliberate. We should be using our minds to love God and we can do that by obeying him and understanding him (which usually comes with obedience i find these days). God will only tell us to do things that will help us. Why did he choose what he chose? we should use our finite minds as best we can, right?

What seperates us from the animals? thought. far be it for me to become like animals, even for a second.

so i decided to watch anime on you tube~ yes, it's not the same but it's better if i don't go back an rewatch stuff too often =] i'm only watching eps on recommendations. Well i don't know~ we'll see~ anyway, kenpachi vs ichinose. finally i've gotten the chance to watch it. Actually i woke up and instead of making it to class ontime or making breakfast i watched it. Nothing spectacular... i much prefer the other fights with ken because it's shows his beastly side more. anyway, what more can i say that shelby and lei haven't already? i don't think there is anything. Wouldn't it be nice if people would see us after an absense and know that we've changed and become stronger, as we had intended?

eldon and i shared a moment last night. it was interesting for us to take inventory and see where we stand. I wonder if antony heard us? i wonder if people would really understand our characters.

P and R... i don't remember much except some parts about trusting God. It ran with the theme of my we as i read John 14. To hear about P and R living a life of faith makes the notion so much less lofty and so much more tangible for me.

Basketball was interesting. I really want to play man defense. I want the challenge of sticking it to a bigger strong white guy that thinks he's better than me. If he is then i display my resolve during and i go to the gym after to make sure it doesn't happen next time. If he isn't then good for me. I don't feel like the zone is shifting properly. I don't know what to say really. Good for tim, lots of points. Good for me, and felt like i made a positive impact. I didn't do what i usually do a pick up. lol~ sanity is a nice thing to have.

next week i'm goin' to not drink coffee i think~ it sucks when my brain doesn't function without it~ addictions suck.

Goin' out this saturday... we'll see... sigh~ responsibility.

i hope you enjoyed the various entrance points into my mind. this is less random than you think, i hope you know that. Cryptic probably but how you have lots you can ask me about.

the reason...

"The reason i have not killed you is, you must survive to accomplish a mission" - Kimimaru

have you ever wondered what God is waiting for? What is your mission? Why am i alive is something i wonder. My mind tries to make sense of the events that are carried out by my life...

...so my mind managed to see somethings in those moments betweeen being awake and asleep. I figure my mind has been processing for a while. As i pondered the purpose for what happened last night (driving a bunch of people home) i came to a realization before i spept that this is what my life is like, maybe. Maybe this is my calling. To pick up those from one place and bring them to where they need to be having each journey be my destination. The better i do my job the more people that will come and go from my life. Much of that time is spent alone, it's almost sad when everyone is gone from my car and i'm waiting for the next group and for those that know me, i hate to drive at night alone. I feel like i really miss whoever just got outta my car usual (residual damage from a girl, lol). Then i thought that the only thing that made that void bearable if the knowledge that a) i'm doin' something for God and b) eventually someone will be along (although that doesn't mean much since i'm goin' to be parted from them eventually). so is this my life? i don't know yet.

this all comes after i wondered about my life of riding solo. After watching uber amounts of Dark Angel in the last couple days i wonder if i'm better off alone. Riding solo easy for me once i forget who nice it is to have people around, but then it's so hard to flip back and forth. It's one or the other and if my role is this driver type then how can i live? Whenever i get used to having people in the car they are gone, when i'm finally used to being alone more people get in.

I woke up and in the fog of the struggle to get up my mind opened a dreamed up document from Brian Kung. It talked about something i've been analysing all week. It was Bri's suggestions for serving. Yes i know it's a dream and yet it made sense. Balancing profitability and cash flow was the theme. I can do a lot of things, there is always more i can do for "God" and yet if that takes away from the other things i'm supposed to do then what? The point is that there are things i know i should do and i try to micro them as well as i can and it's for me to take as much as i can without dropping anything. We juggle. Have you ever seen them? They do as many objects as they can and if they drop stuff then they pick it all back up and start again.

I've said this a couple times and here i stand, i am the free. i am the liberated. i am a child of God and nobody can take that away from me. The irony is that this freedom, liberation and identity weigh so heavily right now.

in naruto the sound 4 were given a choice, serve or die. I chose as they chose and no matter how hard this is, i know it's better than the alternative.

where do i start? i guess with truth... how can be away from truth (the word). It's 12:16 now, i skipped class. i emailed the prof telling her i had some personal stuff to deal with. I think it's true. i'm here ultimately to love God with all my heart and explore what that means. Do i start with some back story? back story deleted. sorry, i didn't see the point in it after typing. I find myself vicitimizing and that's stupid. lol~ most people know that i'm seeking to explore the concept of loving God with all your heart, body, mind and soul. body and mind are easy, soul i figured is an independent thing but heart kind of made me wonder. I figured that godly love life (girl guy things) would be the bulk, today i was given a new element. my brethren at scac. man, if i could fight people it would be them most likely. Read John 14:1-14 and it starts off "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; Trust also in me." my heart was troubled. It was not getting hurt or anything it was the fact that i didn't feel anything that shook me. The realization that i didn't love ronald disturbed me. i feel like i want to distance myself from him and totally just cut myself off and yet that can't be what God wants. Even if that is permissible, which it maybe, i have yet to explore that section, but i know that verse 14 gives me something that allows me to take what i see as more. I can leave scac, no big. i can hate my peers, it's like that. I can ask for love, demand that God makes good on his promise and live a life of testimony to the greatness of God's life changing power.

sidenote: love is being real... this dawned upon me somewhat as i was writing about what i read. God is love and God is truth, right? If we are full of God then we are full of truth and love. As i was at retreat i realized as i discussing putting on the armor of God that i already had it on. These are things that never come off me. Faith, truth, righteousness, readiness, the word, all these are with me. I came to understand that we have everything and we just need our eyes to open and we will see the truth that we are complete and it's the transformation of the consciousness that we need. We just need to fully realize that all things that we need are already here. When i realize that i'm a loving person that loves God and his people i will then be living in truth. Anything less than that is falsehood and that is not from God and if God is in me then there is no place for falsehood in me. In realization I don't need to ask for love, i just go love because i have it.

is this what i asked for?

some time recently i wanted to feel and see as God does. I've always tried to stay away from that because i figured that if i see the evil in the world like God does i'll be sad. I figured if i felt his heart break then i would be sad. To some extent that is true. Being the finite person i am i think we cannot know the peace that makes so much sense to God because he knows what's goin' on and we just have this peace that transcends understanding or hope for something that we can't imagine. This stuff gave me perspective on something rough events that happened over the weekend that overshadow a lot of things. If i feel rejected by these people and i've got something in common with these people then shouldn't God feel similarly rejected? Then it's not like i'm destroyed by the events because there is always God's compassions and mercies that allow me not to be overcome.

So here i am waiting for midterms to approach as i continue to prepare throughout the weeks. Is this what i want out of my school year? Not just the school thing i mean it all. i don't know... time... i don't know what i'm doin'...

odd how my mind is full of a couple things, first being girls. Constantly dreaming about girls. On they days i don't remember i feel like i did. Fights... man, i gotta find a better outlet. I think i sprained my wrist from punching that pumpkin. Interesting though. time... time... time... time... time... time... time... time... it makes me crazy that i have so little of it and it's so hard to make more of it. will i be more picky? will i have to say sorry to those that i neglect? i don't even know what to say at this point...(8) amazing grace who sweet the sound... hallelujah grace like rain falls down on me... (8)

so i don't know what to say at this point of the night. it was kind of interesting to... whatever. i know the storms will pass. when the all is said and done, when the fire burns away all things i expect to stand the test and show my character.

something that came to me today, " i can't teach you anything but resolve". I realized that was who i am in certain contexts. There is nothing i can do for those around me to help them. Anything i teach them doesn't help them. I can't teach them anything except how to resolve to learn on their own.

i did something very out of character. they had a small group meeting today, i purposely did not go. i was even at the church where they were and yet i didn't go. i honestly think they are better off without. in my heart i can't see why they would be better with me. i say a lot of cold things like, "that is none of my concern" and yet it's not really like that. i just can't let myself get involved for there sake and mine. what shall i say? good bye? i don't think i'll be back for a while. I'll talk about more definite things when i need to, for now i'll enjoy the luxury of not having to decide.


*closes eyes* *inhales* Good things are happening at SCAC, i'm not exaggerating. God will always be good. *mind strolls out into the moonlight, body wishes it was there as well*

is this my storm?

*breathes in* i don't know where to start really. I guess i held back, but by some standards it might not seem so much. The parallel i give is when in hero the guy with the spear beats down the other guys without using the blade of his spear. It was kind of like that. Blunt and efficient, but not deadly. Specifically speaking i feel like a person and i had a falling out over the summer. There are a lot of reasons and we've talked about it but i feel like time has frozen the bridges. No chatting and anything that is said seems like it's something that had to be said. No formality, thank goodness. I would rip him hard for faking when he tells me not to. Anyway, i guess it's slightly sad that i don't want to be around scac again. I doubt any of them, save the one, why it's so hard for me, but even then i don't think he fully grasps it. Last night i was seriously pondering what church to go to on sunday... i don't think i would last being in their company for another day. Will i be given the luxury of the easy way out tomorrow? i doubt it... thinking about goin' makes me distraught. I guess i can just keep complaining or i can just not.

went for a run with my uncle for the first time in my life. He's here from the HK and has always, half jokingly, invited my family out for runs. It was a nice time for us.

i sit here struggling to think of something that will ease my soul. I don't know what to say. Facing this is much more painful than just pushing it aside and yet what am i? Do i hide these things are shall i be real with my struggles. I want people to see this side as well. How can those that struggle be encouraged if everyone is only speaking of success?

i went out last night with the group colluni people... there was only one reason, i hope she knew. I doubt she will read this so i don't need to be specific. If you're reading this it's not you~ lol~ Why is it so easy to be a recluse?

To the one that takes walks with me,
i wish you were here last night. The moon was really nice and i would have enjoyed your company.

pure glory~

i guess i'll call it the Kota effect. Read back about timelessness (oct 4) and this morning i've seen it in action. once upon a time i recieved an MP3 file from spence and i thought it was nice but dismissed it. Then last weekend i heard a song at retreat that i thought was pretty awesome. I came back wanting to dl it but never had the time, my schedule is shifting and the transition is kind odd since i have no time to do anything. Anyway, it turns out, as i was scrolling through my playlist i find THAT song, a song called pure glory. My memory triggers and this story comes into life. It's just kinda crazy in my mind how i can recieve something before i need it and forget so that when i do want it i already have it. I guess you can say that i always had it and stuff like that. Even the fact that i had it is kinda nuts~ i don't even know spencer that well, lol~

so... yay to Kota for sharing his stories, yay to spencer for sharing his file and yay to erin for singing so well. Man, that chia family ministers to me without even trying. YAYAY for God~ YaY Jehovah, the one that always provides~!

sidenote: in anime there is often a concept of serving families that all serve the same more noble clan. SO i was asking Lei if he was a servant clan who in ACF would he want to serve. He went for the Tong family ("jon and josh are pretty freakin' amazing", he said) i obviously went for the chia's~ lol aren't we weird for even thinking about this kind of stuff?

fragments~

what time is it?
where is my phone?
Did it shut off again?
8:12...awake...sooo awake...shower...
Class begings... i know i know the words that are being spoken by the lecturer and yet none of them make sense. There is no coherency in my mind.

sometimes i wonder what it is that my mind is doing. It's like there is nothing there and yet it is there.

*goes to get a coffee*

well... here i am with my coffee...someone just said "Hi Enoch"... i have no idea who it is... she's a white girl that i totally don't have any recollection of meeting.

I guess today i'll have to function with fragments of my mind and the real me can be elsewhere for now.

EDIT: 12:23am (technically the next day but continuity is important to me)

i guess looking back at my day i never woke up or ... it was like this when i explained it to jenny. "my character is placed behind a number of doors and usually i know which to open and which to shut. today though it seems as though i have no idea and i just open randomly. Whoever happens to be on the other side happens to be there."

with that in mind i managed to punch not one, but two people in the head. it's interesting to see who i am. The majority of the doors opened were jerks. to be honest, the real me isn't very nice. it just wants to fight and hate or just goof around in general. As i walked back to the UCC after frosh cell i was thinking. i thought about the alternative to who i was tonight. I guess it's the common anime constrast between cold and calculated vs energetic and emotional. Who should i be? Byakuya or Ichigo?

i saw a fly... it landed on my book so i swatted at it, the wind knocked the fly upside down on its wings so it couldn't fly. i proceeded to think about whether i should kill it or not. It would bother me later, i killed it when that thought entered my mind. C and C.

am i awake finally? in the silence of the room with no people left to share in my consciousness? is this why i'm away from my house so much? i have issues.

the both seem wrong, CC and EE. can i be calculating without being cold? energitic without emotions? i just don't like be rash about things and when i can go through the night getting two headshots and killing a fly i wonder why destruction doesn't bother me.

yes....sorry reader~ it seems another set of incoherent thoughts... i guess the title remains accurate.

i can because of I AM

for those that enjoy the imagery that i do i smile softly and think of you when i see my display picture and how some of us push to the edge and expect destruction but know that greatness lies only a bit further beyond that. i can have all things because of God (I AM). Interesting though, thanks to Kota for this one: God works in timelessness.

How this all began: So after class eldon and i sat at Einstiens and tried to study. I go there because i have the intensions to study while leaving myself availible to others. I have a system. Kota comes by and eldon asks how his med school aps are goin' and kota says something like, "i'm not done but God operates in timelessness." HERE WE GO!!!! -> Amos 9:13 (regarding the restoration of Israel) "The days are coming," declares the LORD, "when the reaper will be overtaken by the plowman and the planter by the one treading grapes. New wine will drip from the mountains and flow from all the hills...."

One thing Kota showed us was the parable of the sower and how what is it that as Christian we will sow? the Gospel or more generally, the truth. So with respect to Amos we see that the reaper usually reaps after the plowman plows and the treader (the guy that crushes grapes), before the planter or sower. But there will be a time when that is no longer true and they will happen similtaneously and then there will be reaping even before the plowing (as the reaper overtakes the plowman).

He goes on to give us three instances, one where he plowed or sowed and then it was reaped a while later (the usual case) then another where there was instantaneous happenings and then one where he had already reaped and didn't even plant yet (the sky diving story).

I guess that's what i've been trying to figure out and ponder about God these days. I want to begin to grasp his timelessness. There is a lot more to what Kota said so i encourage y'all to ask him or something.

There is so much to ponder still... *ponder ponder ponder...*

Ending application: How does knowing that God works outside of linear time affect my life?