so yeah, i feel like i'm sorta outta alignment these days~ no, not just physically because my leg doesn't really work but it seems like my soul has been off balanced for a while~ it would chalk it up to the unity thing, but i can't be sure. some momets i'm sure and i know why, some though, i'm not sure why i'm sure. When it comes down to it now i can't tell what i should say to people and how i should present myself. How much should i say to them of the things that i see are wrong in their lives? i don't even know what to say really~ shall i let them crash and burn, should i assume 1 Cor 5:5 applies to the situation? It probably doesn't but what about Luke 11:46. Iunno~ maybe i should just say whatever i want and as long as it's truth and i assume my love then i'm fine.... time is up~

2 Cor 10:4-5 (NASB)

" for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.

We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,"

sidenote: i think i might have become a big jerk. actually a jerk, not just tough but past that line~

reading 10:9-10

"for I do not wish to seem as if I would terrify you by my letters. For they say, "His letters are weighty and strong, but his personal presence is unimpressive and his speech contemptible." "

I feel like i've past the loving part and just become a jerk~ not too late to change~

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were" Romans 4:17b

How great our God~ May our hearts never cease to praise. thanks kota~

"We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thes 1:2-3

In the end there is only 3, faith, hope and love.

he leadeth me~

Today i sang this hymn at a church not SCAC. It was interesting, Toronto Free Presbyterian. It was about the loving kindness that we should display at all times.

hang on, lets go back a bit. Why wasn't i at church? i didn't wanna deal with somethings~ lol~ i was hiding kinda. So, i was looking to go to Jaffrey but today was a day that God has lots of plans contrary to my plans. I got the wrong directions and i drove aimlessly. I prayed and honestly i know God had something in mind. I ended up at that church and reconfirmed what i should do. We ended the sunday school with that song. The corus goes, "He leadeth me, He leadeth me, ny His own hands He leadeth me. His faithful follower i would be, for by His hand He leadeth me." That was the theme of my day. I went back to SCAC for service because i should really be there. I always hope to get the call elsewhere but why would i be anywhere else when i can't love them? So i went back and it was a msg that was wonderful and i had lunch with pplz.

i then was dreading goin' to small group. I was goin' to see stranger than fiction and for some reason it's not playing STC. So at 3 i went to small group instead. I kinda felt like Jonah, trying to go everywhere else and yet God had other plans. it was a wonderful day of following...

indeed he leadeth me.

sorry~

answer: tomorrow as in today~

section 1
Jesus paid it all,
all to him i owe,
sin had left a crimson stain,
he washed it white as snow....

Your grace still amazes me,
your love is still a mystery,
i fall down on my knees,
your grace still amazes me...

Hallelujah! There is no God like Jehovah, like Elohim, like, El-Shaddai, like our Abba. *smiles softly*

section 2
Sorry folks, i've been pretty selfish this week. I've been one of those jerks that holds out on the sharing and sometimes i feel like i've given so much that even if i hoard some i would just be refilling my own life. sometimes i feel justified in this. sometimes i say, "screw you all, you get be blessed else where." Sometimes i don't wanna help others grow. Sometimes... sometimes sometimes...

God keeps reminding me what it means to love people and i know that's not. John 21 was my answer and i didn't care. What is it to me what others do? shouldn't i follow God regardless of others? i should.

section 3
Here is my sharing for the day. Who has seen Gattaca? There is a weak brother (he had a heart problem) and a strong, genetically enhanced, one. They always play chicken. They swim from the shore and the first one to stop and turn back loses. They knew that every stroke towards the horizon would be one they had to take back towards the shore. The stronger brother always won until one day. Why could the weak brother beat the older one? The heart had not change, it was still weak. The transformation was in the mind. The weak brother revealed the secret, "do you know how i did it? i never saved anything for the way back." I looked at some brothers as i wondered how they could have such a great relationship with God and then this line brought it all together, "i never saved anything for the way back". There is no way back, we commit and we go all the way. When we let go of the idea that we have to go back to shore and trust that we will never grow weary because God will carry us through, that is the moment we begin to overcome those that have fear and save to go back. There is no goin' back. "Every evening I died, and every evening I was born again, resurrected." - Fight Club~ May we never forget what is means to trust God.

1 Thes 1:2-3 NIV
We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Faith, Hope and Love. Hold on tight, i think we just lost cabin pressure.

There are more and more posts which are censored. what have i become???

sometimes i wonder if i should have private posts. sometimes i wonder if, in my public position, whether it would be wrong to express myself and my frustrations. I hope people have not forgotted that i'm human.

So when God spoke to my heart again it was of love. It was how John went from being the son of thunder to the apostle of love. How can he be transformed so mucH? Love is all he talks about in 1 John and how those that don't suck. My heart wanted to love sooo much. I got to fellowship and it was a good time. There is a reason i do many things and today was no different than any other. Sometimes i don't know what to do when as i walk through the aisle i want to beat the crap out of every person. I don't think i've felt the full force of the loitering of acf until tonight and wanted to destroy something.

in the end i'm sitting at home wonder why i'm so frustrated. where is the love that covers all things? why does it even bother me? aren't i quite the shipwreck tonight? sigh~

where is my fortress of solitude?

should people know this much?

warmth~

this thought came to me this morning and then i forgot but remembered again later. I wrote it down because it's important enough to remember.

Last night i was walking over to shirley's and it was a nice night. I was thinking to myself, "what a nice temperature. it was chilly and yet not forceful. I get into the house and do some work and all that jazz. As we move back to the kitchen to get food i for some reason am compelled to grab a blanket. I was wanting to be warm. I find that i'm slightly inclined to be warm at times.

The thought that came was me wondering if this warm and cold preferance had anything to do with what i'm currently like. Did i enjoy cold because it helped me be alone? did it help me forget my need for human contact? had that changed? Do i like warmth because i my heart desires to feel with intensity? Does my body reflect my heart? who knows~

Sidenote: James 4:14b "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. " in context it talks about the things that a person plans to do, but i guess it also applies to the things you did do. We are here and then we're gone. Mist, or Vapour in some translations, when it disappears seems as if it was never there. Should that bother me? Like an protoss that vanish i might be like that as well.

service~

So i've been reading about service. Check out "Celebration of Discipline". It's not written in a way i usually prefer as they quote many people as opposed to scripture (there is both obviously) but i still enjoy the insight.

Today and the last couple of days my readings have been based upon service and serving. A couple lines really struck me.

"The second service that one should preform for another in a Christian community is that of active helpfulness. This mean, initially, simple assisting in trifling, external matters. There is a multitude of these things whereever people live together. Nobody is too good for the meanest of service. On who worries about the loss of time that such petty, outward acts of helpfulness entail is usually taking the importance of his own career too solemnly" -Bonhoeffer "Life Together".

"Large tasks require great sacrifice for a moment; small things require constant sacrifice."

Somehow we're obsessed with the Big things that we don't do the little things.

more to come, time is up~

The Father... i really enjoy reading about the Father. Maybe i'm one of those jerks (i use the term very very loosely) that call out for God to pour out his wrath in Revelation~ lol~ I guess it's this that i want to see, Amos Chapter 4 and how God initiates the bad things that happen to those folks. Some might say it's punishment for them being stupid, but no, it's not like that. Why did God do it? I gave you empty stomachs... and yet you have not returned to me" 4:6. These are things he gives so we can return to him. Punishment? i don't even know if that exists in the form we thing, it's discipline. It's not the consequance of sin, like we do something bad and we get a spanking. Sometimes it's, we do something bad and God needs to remind us why we don't want to do it.

There are many reasons "bad" things happen and many times they aren't bad things. I guess my the example given me was, what about some young kid dying? sometimes i wonder about that~ wouldn't God want that kid to live here? this is one of the things i don't know so much about~ i just know this for now. Amos 4 shows me that when God disciplines me it is for my benefit~

time's up~

So here i am this morning scrolling through my mental inventory of movies i've seen wondering which would speak to me. My mind runs across a movie what will remain nameless because it would just ruin the movie~ lol~ The movie boarders in time travel and the concept of existance. It's odd how today how movie scenes ran through my mind as the main characters life is somewhat erased from the collective and i was sad. I don't mind the idea that this is all temporary, i don't mind disappearing, i do mind that all the things i do are meaningless. It actually bugs me a little if in the end of my life God tells me that i have made no difference to anyone at all. Shouldn't it? Why be alive knowing that i'm doin' nothing for anyone? Philippians 1:20 area. Why live if not for others?

i've been having a few irrational thoughts. I guess i only think of being erased because i would be sad, just like i was at the end of the film. Irrationally fearing that someone would forget that i even existed. Part of me growls and beats the crap outta the stupid side~ lol~

2 Cor 2:1-4

But I determined this for my own sake, that I would not come to you in sorrow again.

For if I cause you sorrow, who then makes me glad but the one whom I made sorrowful?

This is the very thing I wrote you, so that when I came, I would not have sorrow from those who ought to make me rejoice; having confidence in you all that my joy would be the joy of you all.

For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.

2 Cor 2:1-4

Edit Pending...

If anyone has caused grief... you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything....forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

2 Cor 2:5-11 (various excerpts)

It's nice to come to a godly conclusion, or rather, it's nice to be filled with the Spirit enough to know that though i hadn't read this at the time, my actions were consistant with the expectation.

something like death~

the idea of love has been roaming my mind, i guess that's why most of this stuff can be applied to it. God is Love and that's the aspect for me today. Then again i like to know the God of Wrath as well.

Songs of Solomon is something i feel drawn to read today~ Genesis is so slow moving~ lol~

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, A most vehement flame."
SoS 8:6

A love that's like death, eh? I've been hearing love is rest a lot, it's nice to get an alternate to what love is like. My Bible gives a blurb about how when you're captured by either one it's pretty much GG. lol~ It's an interesting thought about how if i were captured by love then death cannot overcome us in a priority sense, actually it works in an absolute sense. Will i ever die? than answer is temorarily or no. Why because i am loved and i love. Were i not loved and did not love i would die definately. I fear not death but the loss of love, but being love and similar to death, this love is forever. No i do not speak of physical death, but the spiritual death. For it was love that made me alive and will sustain me through eternity. So maybe i shouldn't look at life as the opposite of death but love~ lol~ Doesn't giving up your life make so much more sense now?

2 Cor 1 was also read~ God loves us and comforts but we share in comfort because we share in suffering.

Zephaniah: man~ God of Wrath indeed, yet always loving. Does love change? i don't know~

there is a bit of time before class so i wanted to share something of vital importance with the world. So recently in one of my classes we're talking about "Bond Pricing" as in, "what is a savings bond worth?". The interesting thing about savings bonds is that their price, like a stock, is derived from something that isn't explicit. The worth of a company is not the same thing as the worth of the assets alone or the income statement, it's about earning power. So too is a bond. A bond is worth the present value of the total future cash inflows. So all the interest that a bond pays and the principle it pays is what it's worth. Now what does that mean for people or Christians? lol~ well my point is that our worth has nothing to do with our past and everything to do with our future. Who we are not is the present value of who we're goin' to be.

Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I am not an aggregation of my past, i am the present value of my future.