moving ahead of God~

This is something i've been contemplating for a while. Is it possible for us to move ahead of God?

1 Sam 10:6-7
6The Spirit of the LORD will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.
7 Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you.

this has always been my hope. That when the Spirit comes upon me i will be assured of the things i do. Afterall, if i am walking with God how can i be wrong?

Then i wonder where the idea of moving before God comes from. We must wait on God, but what is that waiting? Is it that we are to do nothing? is waiting a form of doin' nothing?

Exodus 13:21-22
21 By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night.
22 Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.

If God so desires he will be ahead of us and we cannot outpace him.

Exodus 14:13-14

13 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.
14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

So there must be times where we can't do anything more though...

Exodus 14:19-22
19 Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel's army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them,
20 coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long.
21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided,
22 and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.

What do we see now? Just because God isn't "in front" doesn't mean there is something wrong. He can be anywhere and it would be fine. Isn't God sovereign after all? If he is deliverying us and needs nothing from us then we will naturally stand still, no? If we can't do anything won't we naturally stand still? Go will always pave the way for us no matter where he stands. Can our God be out paced by us? it's almost crazy to believe it. Can i even move outside of his will? i don't think so. Am i responsible for my actions? yes. Shouldn't i act righteously? Ecclesiates would say yes despite how meaningless it is.

Don't forget. Doing and Waiting are both forms of action.

The God that Blocks Out the Sun

I feel weird that God answers my prayers right now. I feel pretty inadequate and yet he does. I don't mean big and abstract things, i mean practical everyday things.

I was driving tim back to London yesterday around 5:30 and goin' west is goin' directly against the sun. It was blinding. I used my sunshade, ya know, that flap that blocks out the sun? It didn't help. I told tim to pray. He didn't want to. His usual response in this situation is, "do i want it that bad". Usually i let that go. Yesterday my response was, "how badly do you wanna walk the rest of the way?" So he prayed. Nothing happened. I then prayed that God would block out the sun. As we pass a tunnel i flip up the sunshade and expect, in faith, that the sun will be covered. For some reason the sun is now covered by clouds (or pollution i guess) that wasn't there before.

I don't get it some days. I know tim and srg learned a lesson about prayer. We discussed this scenario in the car. I feel like i don't deserve the participation in his work right now. Not to say i'm not goin' to take what he gives, i guess i'm being humbled pretty hard. There is no way i'm worthy and yet i know that i will not turn down what is offered.

Everyday i question how long i will survive at the rate things are goin' and realizing more and more how things are becoming more and more hopeless. Not only are some things bad, i've started to notice how many things are bad. I don't even mean situationally bad, my seeing more darkness in me. I hope it's because of the approaching light and yet sometimes i feel like i've just added more dark to the light that was already there. Either way... there is sooo much to work on and yet i still don't know what i'm supposed to do. Right now i feel like i'm just doin' whatever i can and hoping something will be right.

Disclaimer: if you don't wanna read more relationship stuff (namely shirley stuff) don't bother with the latter parts.

i get so down and i wonder if it could just be, "if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world." i know i can never have that and i shouldn't want it and i will myself not to. I want to soooo bad and yet i can't... "forget what we're told..."??? i just can't... ARG~ lol~ I'm starting to hate songs like Chasing Cars... i know i would kill myself if i listen to it too much or at least resent someone or something.

Since God blocks out the sun i know he can change hearts, either mine or someone elses. I get the feeling that if i keep posting my thoughts here it'll make things too hard.... what do i do? what do you want? sorry to even have to ask. i feel like i should do just what i think...

Omniknight~

The theory behind omniknight is mostly being a support hero. I guess it's someone that's supposed to make everyone else's like easier. I want to be that... i've recently felt like i have done the opposite. People are having a harder time with me around. I feel at time's this is a misconception of my ministry but at the same time it's kinda true. That's kinda why omni and guardian are in my name these days. I really have to do something about the world around me and within me. I feel like i've been lacking. time to act~ and yet part of me wonders what there is to do. something will come~

So i continue my readings in Philippians... i've no real reason to be there except the random realization that there were things not underlined. it's interesting talking about Paul's ability to find contentment whether in much or in little. I guess that's how i feel and i know that's why this "random" isn't quite so random.

Phil 4:10-14

10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.
11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
14Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.

Looking at this view it's funny how Paul mentions himself over and over~ lol~ reminds me of the coverletter faux pas of starting every sentance with I.

On a more serious note, I've begun to see this: there are many that care and have yet to recieve opportunity to care. Yes, i do feel that some of those people haven't taken the ones given but that's besides the point. I think it's necessary for people to talk about what they are doin' for each other. It's good to pray in secret but also important that a person knows you're praying for them. it's good to act and give in secret but also good for a person to know they are being cared for. This is from the giving end.

On the recieving end it's good to be contented with what is given. We are to realize that Christ is our strength and we can do all things through that strength. Yet still good for others to share our troubles.

I think this is the two ideas i've been trying to reconcile this entire year. I've been so hurt to see people that need explicit care recieving secret care. They know that God is enough but are hurt by a body that doesn't seem to care. I've seen the care givers spend oodles of time and yet hurt by the comment of "nobody cares".

mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those that rejoice~ Yes, lots of mood swings and yet there is balance.

For those that mourn: Phil 4:6-9
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

This seems to be pauls way out of being stuck in a rut.

For those that rejoice: Phil 4:1,4-5
1Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

If things are good, w00t~ don't ever forget the Lord or the joys of him and his people. There are many reasons to keep rejoicing.

ya know... i've been pretty joying this last couple days... the odd part is that i can't really figure out what is the major difference between now's joy and october-ish lack of joy. I was selfless in to the same degree and yet i had it hard then and easier now. i could believe that our God is sovereign and chooses to give whenever he sees fit or maybe it's just that the hard times have trained me well enough that now... it is well with my soul.

my mind wandered to something yesterday. Who has seen the arthas video? this makes sense if you did.

i kinda heard this in my mind and knew it was something God vaguely thought as well.
"My son, you've returned, my heart rejoices. Your battles have changed you. Come and take off the darkness you've adorned yourself with and know that My armour is sufficient, more than sufficient in fact. It is of no equal. Do not forget that what you've been charged, love my people."

It's like i've put on things are darkness to protect myself and fight that which is dark. It becomes consuming. I've always known that but there are definately times i don't know what to do. My faith is surprisingly weak sometimes.

Earlier Morning~

God is (was or will be) good. Yesterday i shared about shirley and i at P and R~ lol~ most awkward thing ever. ever share about someone when he/she is in the room? lol~ now i have~ anyway, more importantly i'm trying to focus on God, as per usual, after we decided for a clean break.

I was reading Philippians 3 today. It's odd that nothing was underlined in this chapter. I've sure i've read this book before and yet nothing stood out to me last time i guess. This time the entire chapter is underlined.

"as for legalistic righteousness, faultless." Now that is something i respect. I don't come close to that. I guess it's something i never sought after.

I see man with lots to offer and yet he knows, upon sober judgement, that what he has was given and there is only one thing worth boasting about, Christ. He doesn't even venture to say he's attained the ideals, he just tries. My heart is comforted i guess because it's one of the most "average Christian" things he says. I feel that way since shirley and i got to a point where it stopped being an external problem and we had our own issues that made it hard and in ways, impossible, to be together.

For now i look for this, the power of the resurrection. I refuse to let the next encounter with me be on the same low level as i was before. Next time i meet anyone i want there to be noticable growth. Check it out, the entire passage is good. Nobody will hold me back from being more.

"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be


I guess this song makes that much more sense now that i've screwed things up more and have more reason to be like the person in this song. I won't lie, but i'll give the clean break. there are things that should be done and we'll do them. i guess i would prefer to work on it, but sometimes it's not the right time to work i guess.

i'm happy this song exists. i'm happy i heard it back in the day and that it's come back to comfort me. i don't stand alone, no i don't just mean Dido. i mean all the folks that stand with me and mourn with me even though many don't even hear the stories or have to study.

i'd put italics on the stuff that applies more, but it's all applicable~

here i ask for prayers. i ask that i may be a better man.

realization~

it's been an odd day for me. It's not like i'm unmotivated but i still go nothing academic accomplished. most people would say i wasted my day of studying. that might be true but i wanted to work actually. it just never happened.

i'm goin' to do some straight shooting from here on so use your discretion. i don't intend to be mean or pathetic, just real. Feel free not to read this monster sized post.

Enoch time was pretty much a waste. I get the feeling eldon has similar sentiments. i came home and ate and played some dota and now it's time to sleep, maybe. i know i'll read some of my Bible before i go to bed. I hear it calling me, i know there is something to Lord intends to say to me and i'm listening. who knows, it could be "get to work!" lol~ anyway, sometimes i wonder how these things are in God's eyes. i don't think he thinks it's a total waste and yet i didn't manage to get anything done. sometimes i don't get it. to be honest, nominations and stuff were kinda hard. I don't know if there are people that are willing to do "eldon time" like eldon does. i don't know who wants to "bleed acf" as Bri Kung used to say. i almost feel like this year there is a heavier burden on even fewer than before. Next year... i wonder what will happen...

Ecclesiates: 2:20-23
So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labour under the sun. For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labours under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless.

It is good that Solomon spoke of the works of man and not the work of God. i know that the things that have been built will last because we that laboured have use our best, the gold and silver, not the wood and hay, to build this house.

On a totally different notes. My heart is perplexed. something inside me is preparing me for a potential gg from shirley. We've not done the clean break and things get messy. i've made my peace with God and her and seek to move forward. I don't want to move apart though. i don't want things to end. I came to see something today. It might seem pathetic but then again it makes this thing seem more real. I honestly believe last term, when i was with her, i was the most upstanding i've been. I actually feel that i was better with her. Sometimes people ask me and i know her and i don't play an active role in each others spiritual lives, we are good and know what God wants. I realize i'm a mess compared to last term. i had 5 midterms in 9 days and i was pretty prepared for them. I had one of the best if not the best term in school and ministry was goin' well. everything was on the up and up. Now this term i'm struggling to keep anything together. I know that it doesn't help when i go through severe mood swings but to be honest, i'm still struggling right now to get things under control. i'm getting a crazy deja vu. i'm actually sure it's in a back log somewhere because that's what the deju vu tells me. This is where my life was meant to be. being in love with this amazing woman and stuggling to hold on to this relationship that is the second best thing to happen to me. maybe i'm exaggerating since every moment is God's will and therefore the best thing, but technicallities aside i feel it's true. i don't want to be apart. i will live without her but i don't want to.

*listening to: Your Grace Still Amazes Me*
*thought: Chia's are amazing too! funny aside: i could distinctly hear Chia and Baby Chia singing on friday despite everyone elses singing. odd aside: justine knows me scent???"

so the term eldon would use for my behaviour is: "wild mood swings". When the storms come it is apparent. When my world is sunshine and lollipops it is also clear. It would be nice to be less emotional but to be honest, i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do. Part of me wants to see clearly the things i feel which means i have to feel them. I believe it would be good to understand the human emotions and not just discard them. As roger, quoting someone else whom i forget, "the solution abuse is not disuse but proper use". Maybe i'll find the proper use for the emotions i preferred to be void of before.

Philippians 4:6-7
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This passage i find interesting because it says the the peace of God will guard my heart. It's a passive effect of my heart and something spirit takes care of. Yet there is part of me that has been balancing the idea of God does everything at the same time of We have our part to play.

John 14:1
1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

So we don't let our hearts be troubled through the trust and in response stop getting in the way of the peace that God has given us.

I kinda want that thing were this stuff in my brain gets into my emotions. Either way, i'm not dead and for the reason i've chosen to accept the "gift" of life i know i clearly prefer this over not being here. I have sufficient grace, love, mercy, peace and joy.

this is our God

"this is our God" has been a thought that has been running through my mind all week. it's been interesting because i've always been interested in what our God is like, his character and personality. I'm listening to the song by Chris Tomlin and i find it odd how only the good aspects ofGod and by good i really just means the feel good, fuzzy wuzzy stuff. I find it hard to accept that a song called this is our God encompasses only the nice half of God. I guess that's why i enjoyed pastor Mike's reminder of how God is the God that does whatever he pleases. He will present me pure and blameless on that day but he'll also whoop my ass for being an idiot now. He will give me peace, lead me to still waters but try me with fire. Lets not forget there is more to God than the fuzzy wuzzies~

"You no longer have to sacrifice for your people. You no longer need to bear the weight of your crown. I've taken care of everything. " - Arthas

How would you feel if someone said this to you? Would this be a big relief or a big fuck you?

I consider it the latter. If i say it to others i mean it to be. If i heard it from God it is clearly a statement of inadequacy. I never wanna hear that but somedays i feel like i should say it.

For those that don't want to bear the burden of your role in Christ, fine~ We (God and I and whoever else) will take care of it. You are replaceable.

Somedays i want to be rid of my responsibility, but for the fact that it lies on my shoulders i will take it. I will not ask God to send someone else. I will be who i was meant to be. Maybe if i'm lucky i'll be the guy that sticks it to the ones that refuse to play their role.

Arthas

Again i'm here in the dota world. For those who haven't noticed i constantly have dota characters in my display picture and no, they are not at random. They aren't even the ones i like or use, they are merely the ones that reflect my current mood and with so many heros, i have an easy time.

Arthas was a paladin of light that turned to the darkside eventually killing his father for the throne and being the physical representation of the lich king (the bad guy).

http://www.wowwiki.com/Arthas
that is the more detailed run down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rum4Fr9UqSM
this is a cool cinamatic of his betrayal.

Anyway, he turns to the darkside because of the blade "frostmourne". I kinda screws with him. Iunno why but the i do kinda, about why i chose him today. Like is said, there is that darkside lurking in the background and i believe that this paladin of the light could just as easily be a death knight. Have i taken up frostmourne? Maybe i did before and it's still calling my name. I feel like many things i've taken up have a heavy price, for better or worse. We'll see where things end up.

we're usually given analogies about how light will always chase out darkness. The darkness, by nature, cannot win. There is a problem though, why it is that darkness can will at all? There are times when darkness can overcome those of light. Is it because people that are overcome have no light? There are 2 instances that come to mind, one is natural and one is not. The unnatural that comes to mind is the plague of darkness~ In that the light could not penetrate the darkness. The natural is black holes. The plague shows that God can change that nature of anything. Darkness chased out light in that case. interesting.

Blackholes. From my simple knowledge it's a star that implodes and then sucks everything in, including light. Does anyone see what i see? the Anti-Christ??? lol~ or even satan. the once bright light giving thing is now a dark thing that destroys even that which it once was. fun to ponder. What happens when someone's darkness has overcome your light? what does your light/life amount to?

just something to nibble on~

i don't want your fear~

it's odd how in my mind i enjoy the idea of turning my body into a toxic waste dump. disturbing.

i don't even know what to say... i'm not coherent long enough to form thoughts sometimes. i know i can have my way out anytime i want. why don't i just take it? i'm afraid that i'm goin' to hate you soon.

i wrote while i was at the meeting tonight. My mind wanders over to love as it constantly has this last while. Love leads me open for pain and pain allows for resentment and hate... this is the thing i'm worried about. the pain might one day become unbearable. Without Christ there would be no way and as the songs progressed i wondered how possible love for people that don't know Christ. It doesn't seem to be complete without him. In the end sacrifice is something i'm trying to overlook. it's so... overused as the descriptor of love. for now i know this: love is forever.

in my insides i am vaguely aware of the monster that hopes to surface. There is a thing in the spiritual realm that seeks to destroy. there is the part that will love and always love. dangerous times. I know who should and will win and yet there is that doubt and fear that he might not.

tonight i find that there are more crimes to my name. more things to be sorry for. more things i can never make amends for.

people are almost right when they call me a horrible person. i've done many horrible things. i act terribly and part of me knows there is constant danger of doin' those things. except in the end, i'm not a horrible person, i just did horrible things and do horrible things.

in the end i have this: harsh judgement for myself.
in the end i know this: God has forgiven and will always forgive
in the end i've been given this: grace and love

praise God and Jesus who can present me blameless before the throne. Hallelujah~