current status: battling my spiritual battles~

So I’m looking… I’m looking and I can’t see… I’m kinda surprised satan was this quick to act this time… I found something he was doin’ and in defiance I said, “I’m goin’ to follow Christ and do what’s right and there is nothing you can do about it. You will stand by and watch and get mad, but you can’t do crap.” Sometimes I gotta admire his work ethic. He’s not lazy at all… I got back to London and for some reason I was exhausted, when I saw Shirley I didn’t want to talk, I just cooked and they ate, I didn’t even wanna eat. Then we had a spiritual warfare talk and then I was thrown back in to the battle: Banquet.

Banquet… I have to be sure it’s what it’s meant to be and I still can’t be sure actually. There is so much secrecy around it that I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel… I guess this is one of the main reasons I hate surprises. I have to agree and I’ve been pondering all night, I couldn’t really sleep. What are we doin’ this for? Are these just good things or are we straining towards our goal with these things. I talked to someone that truly disagrees with the entire banquet or at least the general idea of it all. I can see the merit in this person’s argument. I’ve also hear the reverse and I see the merit in that… what do I do? Where are my eyes?

I know I will go, there doesn’t seem to be a question about that. I can’t do anything when I’m not. I gotta go, see for myself and then I’ll say what I have to say. Do I think what we are doin’ is best? I’m strapped for a better idea. So I know satan is doin’ his thing right now, I know from experience he won’t tell me to do what’s right and therefore I should do the opposite of what he says.

I know I’m goin’ to go to banquet and part of me just wants to sit outside the hotel and smoke. I know that lies like that come from one source. It was for my good that I spent a lot of time with satan in my younger years.

So I’m battling on the spiritual front right now, feel free to pray. I know my armour is secure and I will sharpen my sword in a couple minutes. Again I stand in defiance of satan. I know that the roaring lion cannot overcome me, after all God’s love has made me more than a conqueror.

Watch Closely, Tell Nobody

I wondered about hiding the true strength of a warrior... i stumbled upon this passage~

1 Thes 4:11-12
11and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you,
12so that you will behave properly toward outsiders and not be in any need.

Why live a flashy life? Why flaunt your bankai? Use it when you need to but not a moment sooner~

Madarame Ikkaku~

It’s interesting that I’m sitting in my room when there are rumours of a DotA LAN and Settlers goin’ on downstairs. I’m must more interesting in writing something right now, I really have been waiting to write all day. It’s odd because I don’t even know what to say actually.

Madarame Ikkaku… A Bleach character that starts his journey in a way I think a lot of people start. He is in a state where fighting and pain are all that’s left in him. He goes district to district finding strong people to fight. He’s just shards of a man. He finds someone that can give him something more, Kenpachi.

Kenpachi teaches him something valuable. After winning the fight Kenpachi doesn’t kill Ikkaku. Ikkaku gets man because he feels cheated of honour. Kenpachi says, “If you like fighting then quit bitching about not being killed. Don’t just accept defeat and ask for death! Accept it after you’re dead! If you lose without dying, that means luck was on your side. When that happens, focus on surviving. Survive and kill the person that couldn’t kill you. It’s not like I held back, you didn’t die because you’re lucky.”

The result is a new man. He becomes strong to the point where he is a captain level and yet he remains a 3rd seat. He even purposely hides his strength to avoid being bothered by people the want to distract him from his responsibility. His goal is to fight along side his captain even if that means never getting recognized for being stronger than others.

Application
I know I started off with no purpose… I know that someone found me, picked me up and caused me to live. I stopped asking to die and now just want to live and die under the command of my Lord. I have to give up on the recognition of the world and focus on the one thing that matters, serving under him. Let us not be distracted.

Spartan King Leonidas: This is where we fight! This is where they die!
Spartan King Leonidas: Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time.

Part of me wonders about fighting or trying to take things by force in this world. As these two phrases whirl in my head i think of my time in ACF. We've been in many battles for the wellbeing of those that are behind us. It feel like the older folks fight on the frontline of the phalanx and doin' lots of hard pushing. I realize more and more how much the others before us have done. But here i am today, shield to shield with those who do more than their share. YunPing, who many times defends his understanding constantly so we can see a new point of view. Eldon, who has struggled to come from so far and has to do seemingly fruitless solo missions. Shelby, who does so much, feels so inadequate yet knowing her fruit well be reaped by another. JT who cares so much and does everything at all times. These are just those that stand right beside me. I'm not even sure if my descriptions do justice to their labour of love. This is where, london, ACF, we fight. This is where we overcome. My heart was grieved but now i have realized that THIS is our time, this is a glorious time. We are here for this reason and have fulfilled that. This is one of the things that is credit to our name and I know God is happy with our year, all of it.

Praise God for his gift.

what is your profession?

So i saw 300 yesterday...

"Leonidas: You, what is your profession?
Arcadian Soldier: I'm a potter, sir.
Leonidas: And you, Arcadian, what is your profession?
Arcadian Soldier: I'm a sculptor.
Leonidas: And you?
Arcadian Soldier:I'm a blacksmith.
Leonidas: [Turning towards the Spartans] Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: Harooh! Harooh! Harooh!
Leonidas: See old friend, I brought more soldiers than you did. "
*thanks wikipedia.com*

I wonder how people answer this question? Doctor? Accountant? Journalist? Artist? wouldn't it be nice if it was this: Christian!! Harooh!! Harooh!! Harooh!! Sometimes we get caught up and it's nice to watch movies that return us to basics.

i guess i've grown tired of the TDR thing~ it should be a given~ Tonight the Lord brought something to my heart, my ministry... more accurately, the ministry i'm involved in. I look at my life and i wonder what's been goin' on. it's been so... hectic, i guess, would be the word. This would be what i consider the hardest year of my life and i expect myself to do well regardless. I feel though, that i've neglected my small group and haven't prayed enough. When our missionary spoke today about how he's thankful of our support i felt a pang of shame. I've never once prayed for him. i kinda wonder what i've been doin' with myself. i mean, i know what i've been doin' and i've been busy but i wonder how bad it is when i have to deal with so much of my own business that i feel like i've totally shafted my entire small group. there is no unity or commonality in my group. we're just people that do stuff together, periodically ~ i guess it's been even worse since every week in ACF we only to large group things. It's like since execs couldn't slot in time and put small groups on the back burner, that i have too.

Is it so wrong to deal with my own problems instead of those of my sg? am i actually being selfish though? this is kinda stuff i have to wonder. i feel like there is more that could have been done but i'm not sure if the price of those things was right. if i could go back would i have given up other things? i guess there will be an edit coming...

TRD: Family

It's kinda odd reading Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. Victor asked me what i thought about it and my instant response was, "soo i know my dad was horrible at his job, but my mom was pretty dad for me. It's funny how he tried to defend my dad, it was almost cute. I realized that the things that the author talks about is the stuff i had been dealing with, ie what it means to be a man. There are many things a guy does and i find that the focus in how to use those things are, as always, more important than those things themselves. The book talked about seeking acknowledgement from the father which i at this point don't care for and it's mostly from my father figure, my mom. lol~ messy~

i don't think there is any healing to be done, i've accepted it i think. I know they didn't have good models to follow (my dad's dad was a really passive guy that took pleasure only in work so he avoided home stuff or anything decision related and my mom's dad was always away because he didn't get along with my grandma). It's not like i blame my folks, it's just the way it is. as i read the book i kinda wished someone had told me the things in the book a couple years ago so that i wouldn't have had to forge my own path and yet it's comforting to read it now, nearing the end of my jungle to find a city that has been built by other men. I came by alternate path yet have found what some many have not. praise God because in his love he causes all things (even messed up family structures) for the good of those who love him.

in reality now, i think my family has begun to shift states. My parents are trying to balance out their roles and even my sister and i have. MOstly me since my sister was much clearer on her role. I think i isolated myself from my parents to prevent my self being screwed up, that and how screwed up they were. it really has caused a rift between us which we've been trying to mend for the last 4 years of university. I had been overly independent and they have been overly ... parent on a kid that doesn't belong to them. I guess it's just me trying to grow without becoming them and that involved me trying to keep a distance. As they balance out and my roots run deeper in truth we are able to rebuild.

most pplz know i don't say i love my parents. I wasn't sure. i had a level of gratitude but little else than that. I saw this interaction as a complex financial security, me being the investment. anyway, ever since this year i've been trying to increase the level of care my parents recieve. i realize i love them as much as i love the general body of Christ and show at least that. It's been a crazy ride sorting out my issues with my parents (internally of course) and i'm happy to find i don't hate my parents, resent them or blame them. Praise God for that. Praise him for being the good father and though my dad didn't really step up my mom was good enough for some of it. Praise God that my parents didn't stay in their backwards roles. Praise him that i'm finding my role, sincerely.

TDR?: relationships

so i've been eating a bit of what i would consider pre-digested food lately. I mean listening to sermons and reading books other than the Bible. I remember now why i don't usually do it and why it's definately not a replacement God. I don't agree with many things and sometimes poor writing style/ability makes the book as good as useless or the sermon a pile of crap. I'm reading Wild At Heart and though i do think it is interesting i'm not sure how much i can say i agree with it. It's mostly a book of observations and generalizations. They are interesting thoughts and yet not the Bible. The sermon i dl-ed and listened to (a class was cancelled and i found myself with more time than i thought) i can't say i agree with either. sometimes i wonder what is goin' on with my life when so many things just do mean anything to me. What do i do when find myself excessively critical? am i even? i guess i don't want to accept anything that isn't thoroughly convincing. That's good, and yet would someone call me arrogant?

Personally now (here i am, wondering if i'm about to be "Too Damn Real" with people) i believe the issue is my relationship with Shirley. I really wanna be a good man, for God and her and people in general i guess but the order kinda goes like that. Now taking charge and being the leader that stuff is fine usually. Right now i don't know what's goin on with my life so i really can't say i have that department down but i've been exploring that part. The most bothersome area seems to purity though. Sexual purity... there isn't anything to say, i think this topic is dealt with in a pretty "quick and dirty" way, no pun intended. Some people throw things like, "flee from temptation" out there and i laugh because it's something that will happen when i'm with her at all. i love her so i wanna be with her... it'll make sense when we get married, ya know. But, we're not so... what exactly should i feel from? sketchy situations? those don't apply since everything is pretty sketchy in my eyes. what then? shall we just remain in the public eye? in the public we have so much work to do we don't even talk. so now what??? as i said, the quick and easy answer don't help. "well it's down to the couple" seems like the only reasonable answer and it's something i end up living with since i think it's the best answer. It leaves the door open for abuse but between God, her and me there are no external parties that can tell us what to do. It's something her and i will deal with...

then today i heard about some other element of purity beyond that of physical. Pure at heart and how the sermon was about that... it came as a shock to me. If a person loves God and follows God i would assume a whole hearted and sincere following of Christ (and all that includes) would be equivalent to having a pure heart since it would be them the find God. Now... what does that mean about the relationship now, i think it's important to realize this purity extends beyond the physical, good point the sermon brought up... they said a whole load of other stuff that Roger might be mad at (mending the broken heart and using shards??? NO, he gives us a NEW HEART!!! He makes you WHOLE)... but anyway, yes...

it's like this now (man, i love writing stuff out) we have the outside and inside. outside, the crap we end up being consumed by, is sex and the lines. the inside, where our heart is, will reflect somehow outwardly. This is the hard to reconcile part, where is the application of all this? don't say, "spend more time with God and loev him more" because that really doesn't take away the desire for sex with the person you're in love with since it's supposed to be that way. How is a person supposed to express the love in all except one way? This is the hard part for me... how does i properly love God without trying to express it in every way possible? He's not a physical being so we worship in spirit and express in spirit. Here we have people (with hearts, souls and minds) and we try to express our love in those realms but not the physical... such a paradox in my mind.... i can pray for people, care for them, share with them and never touch them. The crazy thing is that's not even true. We're not lepers and yet... i'm not sure what to do really... That's why when it comes down to it i'm confused... how do i lead? how do i love?

i'm still trying to find out what it is that is what God wants... people have expressed ideas and yet i'm not sure how much i've come to agree with. Ideas? i welcome them but then again, prepare yourself since the comment will likely not give justice to your idea and we'll have to talk about it in person =] see, i'm setting up a second date, so to speak.

post patching.

this is more of and edit to the post about reading Hebrews and Exodus similtaneously~ As i said i wasn't sure if my interpretation was correct, i considered it weak at least, guess what we talked about at fellowship that night??? YUP, you guessed it, Sabbath/Rest! hahaha~ i was about to share that with my fellowship. The speaker even went over the exact same passages!! lol~

things back at SCAC are good. Not to say i feel like i'm part of it anymore... i feel like so much has changed and i've lost touch. It's a good thing, a good problem to have when people grow so much that i don't know what i'm supposed to do with them. God is moving mightily there.

http://www.dota-allstars.com/hero.php?id=1203
this site is for people that wanted to look more deeply into the prior post about 9 seconds that last forever... see the hero and his abilities. Guardian Angel being the important one. Now that i i've tried guarding one person i've begun to realize it is possible for me to do that and even more than one person.

Yeah... i have been distracted... sometimes i wonder why. Sometimes i wonder if the things that distract me are more important than the things i focus on. Maybe i'll find out with a little experiment. we'll see~

9 seconds that last forever~

sometimes i wonder how long will i be in this state? i don't mean depressed or anything, i mean guardian mode. why do i even care or want to care? it's not just for her, i should be this for everyone. Does everyone recieve because i have to be more for her and therefore more is granted to everyone else?

the heart is deceitful above all things.

i must love more and continually expand lest i walk in sin.

Guardian Angel... the 9 second ulti that will remain forever.

There are many of us that vow... how many as painful as this? http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=judges%2011:29-40;&version=31;
Let none of us go back on our word.

Let us let go of ourselves~ let us die together~ let us rise with Christ~

time and other such things

Hebrews 3-4, Psalms 95

Today... lol~ it's a funny concept of what God considers "today". Isn't it always "today"? Isn't God always at work and always at rest? isn't he outside time and therefore must always be botH? Now we as humans make effort to enter that state of rest. It's fitting that we put effort into resting because it most accurately explains the state that God is constantly in. He finished all things upon the foundation of the world and yet is always working as Jesus said about the father. So what does today mean except everyday? what does Sabbath resting and entering God's rest other than being in him, resting while working at the same time? this passage has my mind puzzled and enlightened at the same time. praise God for that.

So now with my weak interpretation of the passage i will with confidence approach the throne of grace and ask for mercy and grace.

So many paradoxes and juxtapositions.

time's up~

such is life~ i asked for God to do something super unlikely. something i knew only he could do. it didn't happen. what does this mean? i'm sorta sad. i'll wake up tomorrow and i'll do what i have to do.

today seems to be another beginning... it's' the day after i asked for a sign. Backtrack, i talked to J9 about God's will and asking for signs. I've always been pretty sure about most things so it wasn't a big deal for me to ask. Last night before bed i asked for a sign. Not that i wasn't confident but because i feared the "no" answer from God. silly me. I had to ask once i realized it might be fear. There are things i don't allow myself to be slave to, fear is one on my most wanted list. So i asked. I realized in the shower that the sign was fine but the question was stupid. Then i realized the better question but haven't thought of a new sign to ask for. The first question is somewhat relevant but we'll see what i come up with next for the next sign.

Today i was about to read Ezekiel or Isaiah. I like the prophets but my heart was moved to get back on the reading track i was on. Back to where i was headed. Back to exodus. It was just past the part where israel was delivered from the egyptians and they sing a song about God. Exodus 15. it's funny how i know our God can do all things and sometimes i forget. silly me. The funny thing is when i finished that i read Hebrews 3 and it was talking about how Moses is less than Jesus although Moses led them out. Then at that moment God laughed at me and my brain heard something like, "lol~ now you know why you're reading exodus today!!! hahaha". God is loving and patient.

I've been kinda complacent. I know that God teaches through all the small things and that's lead my away from the usual big things, Bible and Prayer namely. i got pretty owned at a BS last night. It felt like it had been a while since i've been with spiritual pros. lol~ it was nice that they not only looked at the text but instantly knew how it applied to their own lives, namely the church. mad respect for them.

again i move forward, through the crap and hinderances and hurdles i had to move through. I don't regret or feel bad about the path i take because i kept moving the entire time. slow is not stopped. paths are as such.