Grace and Stillness

i've been goin' to KCF EMD's for the last little while and yesterday was the last one. We ended the EMD with worship and what worship it was. For me i came with a lot of baggage, shirley and i always have to deal with our lust and some days it really consumes my insides to know that things get so crazy. We're dealing. I was, however, reminded of God's grace and God's faithfulness. Iunno what there is to say about that, take what you want but the bottom line is this: His Grace is enough for all things. Not just forgiveness but the rest of life. I got ripped pretty hard on the exam. I know i studied things and knew how to do it prior to the exam and during the exam i fired blanks. I remember studying the specific thing and at that moment 2 things flooded into my mind and begged for mercy. First, his grace is enough so regardless of the outcome i know that. Second to be still in light of that grace. If i know that his grace is enough and i will and can overcome i need to rest in that and enjoy it.

side thoughts: life has been busy... i don't know what to say beyond that. Sometimes i wish i had more time to hangout with people and yet i could swear i'm always with people. Oh well, what can i say, there is no time left. See you in Heaven~

blurst of times~

it's been a while since i've posted and it's been pretty crazy i would say. i would call these days the blurst of times (best + worst = blurst, sometimes it's just one or the other but today it will be both). There is one week left and i don't know what to say. I was thinking how my finals will be easy and softball is coming up and that's a good thing. I'm pretty exhauseted actually. I'm tired of a lot of things, tired of being me comes up as well. Sometimes i resent the hero build that God has chosen for me. I realized that any hero can be built for any purpose pretty much. Jimmy told me about how he was "beyond godlike" with his omni-knight killer build. He made a support hero into a killer. I feel like God has chosen an unnatural build for me as well. We were talking about how the promises of God have the power to revive and are meant to be hoped upon. The first of which in the group of passages today was salvation, then mercy and unfailing love to comfort. It's good how God is enough when things are tough and sometimes that's retarded but it's life. I'm tired of the work i have to keep doin'. The gifts that i have cause me to move and it feels like the Spirit pulls my corpse along for the ride.

on the plus side there is something interesting that was spoken to me today. As we were nearing the bus stop i had the urge to stop at macdonalds. Sarge told me that we might miss the bus so i said that we should pray. I got the food and the bus just came as we ran across the street. w00t. The odd thing is that sarge said this: "Why do we always make God wait for us, we should be waiting on God. We're always late". Dang~ words of wisdom indeed! Here i was stalling the bus so i could be ontime but in reality i was causing God to wait on my time. Praise God that he loves me and would do it but praise God also that he would do it and teach me as well. it's awesome to see the fruits of my labour and it's great to see kids grow up.

so i'm pretty bitter as well. when i speak of the things deep in my heart the bitterness flows out pretty quick. it's odd how i feel like i've forgiven people and yet not forgotten what was done. maybe i got lots to deal with... then again i won't have to deal with those people a whole lot either.

1 week... i have one week to live. At the end of this week the person you see now will die and that's why there is such urgency in my life to set my university affairs in order. Jesus is the executor of my estate and he will do as he pleases when i'm gone. My time has come and gone and i would say this has been the blurst of times~

Catan

I thought i would break up the post because it would be super long if i didn't~ this is to be read AFTER the Catan and the Bible post~ AFTER AFTER AFTER!!!

There is something people need to realize about this fictional island of Catan (it's the story premise of a board game). When i play you will see what i'm like in my real life. Catan is a "mini life" as eldon calls it. I know i will say and do many things and you will see it reflected in my christian life, at least i would hope so. I'm friends with many people but i will not let that hinder my objective, winning. What does winning take? lots of things, but one of which is trade, politics and what some would call luck but mosts of us have decided as "predestination" =]

Trade
This is one of the simpler aspects of the game. Many people have different trade policies, i don't trade anything without a specific objective in mind. I never give up anything useful unless i get something of higher value to me, not equal, HIGHER~ i have no intentions of staying idle in the game or in life. I don't lie in trade, it would destroy future trading situations and i would lose. long term is why i don't, it's not some moral issue or anything. There is almost the ends justify the means mentality but in reality it's more like, i'm supposed to try to win and my means is whatever i can come up with.

Politics
This is possibly the most important factor, the factor many people hate and don't understand. Why should a game come down to politics? Because the real world is all about that. If people hate you then life is hard, if they love you then life is easy. The trick it to make them love you when you actually hating on them. Satan pulls this one everyday. LOL~ actually, as the game is played i know many people love and trust me, it's actually really nice to know.

Retaliation
This is something that came up after playing with some more... timid people. An important thing to know is that people must regret thier actions against you. Nobody is permitted to harm me without feeling retaliation. In the usual sense God will take care of it. If someone robs me of one resource, i must take them for at least 2 and refuse trades with them. WHY? that's so mean is something that i've heard. This takes away from my political agenda, wouldn't it? No~ people don't respect you if you're a doormat. We have things to uphold, in our real life it's the kingdom of God. This idea came to me today: If satan causes me to sin once, i must do at least 2 things good. This is not because i'm trying to balance out my sin but because i will make him pay so dearly for his action that he doesn't want to do it in the future. Does this work? well i know that it can't make things worse for me =]

This post is pretty bleh~ i haven't really thougth things through but feel free to discuss this~

Catan and the Bible~

Philippians 2:1-4 (NIV)
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Many people will think that the business world is a horrible place because it promotes self interest and selfish amition. I've been sitting on this passage since it was shared and it bothered me at the beginning. There is something i'm not sure if people see, 1) the economic view of christianity and 2) the responsibility of each individual.

1) If all parties do what is best for themselves while considering the actions of the other related parties then we can maximize the benefit to all parties. Pareto improvements, where all parties are undeniably better off, is the idea. If helping others makes me worse off i would not do it, actually nobody would. But this is contrary to verse 3, right? is the economic view wrong?

2) I am responsible for my life, other people are responsible for their own. Songs of Soloman talks about how the beloved tends the vineyards of others and yet her own is ruined. This is not acceptable to God and yet we are told to consider others better than ourselves. What should we do?

i would now have to consider two other variables for the economic model, a) the fact that i would be happy to make someone i love happy and b) the person i make happy would be sad if i was worse. there are one more for the responsibility model a) i, alone, am to make account on the day of judgement for my actions.

Now what? What should guide our actions, the good of self or the good of others? Neither.

Philippians 2:1-4 (NIV)
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

To the glory of God. It is right to take care of my own affairs. My affairs, though, involve other people. Would a shepard fight for his sheep? he would if his master could destroy body and soul. Selfish? you might say that. prudent? you could say that also. Do the sheep not benefit? of course they do. Doesn't everybody win then?

MADNESS???

Last night... well i'm goin' to go off on a tangent before i talk about the madness~

Earlier last night i went to KCF banquet. It was smaller and i was really tired but i really enjoyed being around KCF. The realization that we as Christian's must be intimately involved in the lives of other Christians comes to mind. Though they didn't come to unity and i was kinda upset with that, knowing that they also love God is important. It's hard to trust people when we don't know what they are doin' and that's why it was important and good for some of us to go last night. They, KCF, has a lot for us to learn from and they have stuff they can learn from us. There must be a way to increase the integration within fellowships. I hope Loey and Srg will figure something out, actually, i'm fairly confident they will =] They are future leaders after all~

Later last night this line was brought up, "THIS IS HEAVEN!!" (spoken with reference to 300). We should live our lives as if Heaven is upon us. Heaven on Earth, it just makes sense. End times focus. We should establish Heaven here, we ought to live a life of faith. Though, yes, i know Heaven isn't here yet, but should that really stop us from living our faith?
Heb11:1-2

1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
2This is what the ancients were commended for.

We too should live a life worth being commended for, no?

Madness??? THIS IS HEAVEN!!!

Boondock Saints - Family Prayer

"And Shepherds we shall be
For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti."

3 F's

I have a few minutes right now and I’m thinking about last night. Actually, I’ve been thinking about it all night, I was even dreaming about it… talk about being tormented, LOL~ Do you know what it means in my world when I’m 3-0 in Settlers of Catan? It means my day was so crap that God wants to make me feel better about it.

Banquet was good. I realize that I’m just tired of the big group scene and last night was the finale of really tiring few days. There are some things I wonder if I should keep to myself and when I feel that I think I should share. Feel free not to read, it’s the real stuff I feel, I don’t mean to hate and I don’t think it’ll be like that anyway.

Fatigue
I was really tired last night, I remain really tired and you know what? Somehow, in the end it’s not about me and I have to get over the fact of being tired and how drained I am and keep doing stuff. I think part of me resents having to do things like that. Why can’t I just chill? There is nothing I should have to do, after all it’s kind of a party for me being a grad and SGL and yet I still feel like I’m at work… I can’t not because I love the people and yet sometimes and often times that come at a price I’m reluctant, yet obviously, in the end, willing to pay.

Fear
I’m not sure if people know this, I’ve somehow found myself petrified of doing the public performance thing. Sorry if I was selfish in taking on a role I knew I would do poorly at and not spend the time. Fear is crazy and will make people think crazy things and I refuse to let that run my life. I took that part knowing I would fail and even all the practice I did I went up there and did what I had to do.

Failure
Since when is life about getting our goal? I’ve come to realize fully that the ends don’t even matter. I once read that God doesn’t care about end as us humans do, only the journey/means/relationship. If we are right with God then the ends become irrelevant as we just enjoy being with God and I guess the parallel I have is basketball. If I really enjoy playing the game with my friends then it doesn’t matter if we win or lose, only that we played together.