yard work~ God revealed in nature.

so i did some more yard work today... it was pretty much a complete overhaul of my back yard. My dad was telling me how we just goin' to toss some topsoil on what we had and toss some seeds on that. It just sounded sooo stupid to me. I was kinda surprised an adult thought of that as an idea. honestly, the back yard was all dead grass i don't think the grass seed would take root esp since he was stingy on the top soil. It just seemed like such a half assed project when he told me.

It was so dumb so i convinced him to dig up the entire yard, get rid of anything that isn't alive and start from there. I assume you now realize why i'm writing?

This is our life, isn't it? Get rid of anything that isn't God until you have fresh earth ready for planting. Our ground zero is not our sinful state, it's after the uprooting that we can begin our journey. We have to start fresh.

Dad: When i use this tool i can see what weeds are still attached to the ground
Me: Yes, i can see that. *begins to pull them out by hand*
Dad: That one is deep rooted
Me: It doesn't matter how deep it is, it still has to be pulled out.

This is our life, isn't it? We have the law to show us what sin is there and we (individuals with God) must pull it out. Some are harder than others and we ought not make excuses. The meticulous gardener does not miss one weed. God is meticulous, are we?

We ought to acknowledge God's presence in all we do lest we miss out on what a real relationship with God is. There ought not be a divide between the sacred and secular when it comes to the actions of the saints.

the changing times~

I wonder about what's goin' on when there were things that used to be expect and now they are gone. I think about it and sort of laugh to myself as i continue to realize how time flows on and God moves forward. During moments like these i wonder why people feel like change is such a fearful thing.

So tonight my sister was asking the other counselors what they wanted to contribute to the fellowship and my answer came to me though i wasn't asked. "I want to teach the kids something that can't be taught." I want to teach them to love God and the greatness of God and all the things of God essentially and then I realized they can't be taught, except they can be.

The topic of spiritual gifts has come up over and over and something came to me tonight the solidified many things that i've been trying to tackle in my mind. It seems like spiritual gifts do the God things that human efforts can never produce. That sounds less than profound except that i guarantee that there is more than meets the eye. Why do i say that? Because there are still too many people that labour without the understanding that their talents are useless for serving God. Let's not confuse the programs with the touching of lives. For example, Basketball doesn't find the lost. It brings the lost to you, that is the best it can do. The gifts allow you to touch their lives. So tonight i was humbled. I was humbled to know that i contribute nothing to the teaching process. The Spirit ministers and i'm just in charge of the logistical processes of transporting my living body but also moving myself aside so God will work.

It's been an experience reading Release of the Spirit. When i say release shelby and Lei will probably, like me, hear Ichigo or any other bleach character saying something like, "Kai ho". Let us, together Release our Spirit.

Btw: Release of the Spirit by Watchman Nee. Check it out folks.

these days i do question myself... i've spent a lot of time second guessing myself actually. There are a lot of things that satan is doin' and i will post about these, maybe, at a later date. Anyway, There are times i begin to hesitate because i know how human i can be. How the outpouring of truth is mixed with my humanity and thus tainted.

I asked me kids today whether they wanted to be human or Christ-like. There is likely a semantical problem with that since Jesus was man but i had just finished rebuking them for arguing foolish things like that with me. They understood the question. I have to think about how my actions reflect that. Sometimes when i speak i wonder how Spirit lead it is. When i speak of the things God is doin' i am so excited because God is working mightily. When i speak hard words to those that don't understand i wonder if i'm being too hard. And then i pause and wonder if i'm capable of that. can i speaking both pure and impure things? I think so in theory but then i remember James who says it ought not be so. I don't think i am though. I don't see myself as pretending to be something i'm not. I almost feel bad for crushing my kids with the truth... and yet pastor tim said one thing that hit my particularly hard. Life is like a river and rivers flow down. Holiness at the top while happiness at the bottom. A person can never have holiness by starting with happiness, we have to start at the top and work our way down.

Happiness is important, it's just that if we only focus on that we'll never have anything else. So for my kids i don't feel guilt for starting at the top. Maybe one day they will thank me, but that doesn't even matter. Bed time~

my return

it's been a while and i don't know what to write but i've returned to pour out my soul. There is no real reason for me to be here and yet i cannot accept the desire to walk away from all who know my by reading this. There isn't much i plan to write but this is me taking the first step as i feel like i tend to...

I'm far from where i need to be. I'm reading Release of the Spirit and there is still so much i haven't seen in my own life. I feel like i've too readily accepted my position as good and it's good that i've been shown more. I read of Nee and his experience and how he has seen so clearly the things that are true in the lives of man. It reminds me that learning and living are not the same. I feel blessed to know that though my soul has been broken so that my spirit can flow but the two, soul and spirit, remain intertwined and the fruit of my labour remains tainted with my humanity. How exciting to know that there will be more upon the horizon, the dawn even.

I am constantly remind of how my strong personality crushes people. It's odd how i know Nee and Towzer write in what seems to be a very critical manner it does feel more pure than what i offer. They are right and speak truth that would destroy the foundation of sand. They are like a torrent that sweep through to test those who claim to be true. I desire to be able to stand before all critics and stand firm and blameless. For now the project is cleaving my soul away from the spirit. I have been freed from one project so now i have something more worth my while.

How blessed i am that i can hear and obey.