so bad and yet no further

As i was talking to God today i was asking, "how come i've regressed?" and i was comforted.
God: Since when were you better?

I thought back to a time when i had successfully resisted various forms of temptations
E: I used to be able to overcome before
G: How?
E: Well... I just did
G: You rules for yourself that proved useless over time. The problem was always there but you found a temporary solution
E: Colossians 2?
G: Yes, just like Colossians 2. You're were never more or less than you are now
E: I can't do this, any of this.
G: Nope
E: I have no righteousness of my own
G: You have nothing good of your own
E: Help me?
G: Of course! *gentle smile*

It's nice to know that the roller coaster thing isn't true. I'm starting to see clearly why the "ideals" can be lived out. There are illusions and there are realities. I thought i was once better than this but it's not totally true. I was just as messed up as i was now. In reality, knowing that i'm messed up shows greater clarity than before. I thought i had a righteousness i could lay claim to but in the end God shows me a greater need for his righteousness. It's a humbling that causes me to seek him more instead of a pride that caused me to walk on my own. It's great to know he loves me. It's tough to know that i'm still lacking so much.

Some days i feel like i'm getting nowhere, but honestly, i've come to see that it's not trying to get somewhere that matters sometimes. it's the desire for God and the faith to see that he is working that matter for me right now. As always it comes back to the eyes and seeing what is real, both the beauty of Jesus, the plan of the Father and work of the Spirit. How wonderful it is and how much more i need.

razor's edge ; so good yet so far

so there is something beautiful that i read about the straight and narrow way. I used to think in terms of this: the path is narrow because it's good is so rare and evil is so common. It's as if there were a million wrong choices for every right one. Then i was shown something else, for a Christian there wrong choices are so much less relevant than the fact that there are a million similtaneous things to do to be righteous that it's near impossible to do them all at once. To know that we, as sons of God will live extraordinary lives than should humble all man and yet never be conscious of it lest we fall into self sufficiency or pride. To speak the truth in love to all people and yet not throwing pearls to pigs. To love the truth and hate the darkness yet love the sinners and hate their sins and what the represent.

It becomes less of an issues about not doing bad and more of an attempt to do all good things at the same time. this is why it's nice that God exists outside the limits of time that he can do them all the time.

This leads me into the next something. Sometimes people see soemthing that is so good in me and yet i'm so far from perfection. I was thinking last night of how much i could be if i attained a higher measure of holiness. What if i want from 2 talents for 5 talents? ya know what i mean? How much more would the glory of God be apparent if i were to let him be more in my life. It's a good and bad thing. Good because i know i can desire greater things. bad because i know i've been selling out or selling myself short.

again i'm humble and need to seek the deeper things in life beyond the simple and easy. more a time for meat and less for milk.

interesting quote ; back to revelations

IQ

"maybe people are afraid of you" or something to that effect is said to me periodically. It' s odd to me that someone like me can strike fear the way i think of fear. weird.



BtR

So it's nice to see the things that God is showing me. there was a brief stint of seeing nothing behind the veil of my own disobedience. It's good to be back where i ought and have the revelations again. Burn out is a funny thing. I can't work right this moment because i can't keep doing what i was doing for the last week, that is, doing someone elses or actually, 2 someone elses, job. My 2 co-workers are on vacation and things have been insane for me. Things that i have to do for the first time with no support from the people that are supposed to do them is a bit rough. revelation: this is why churches can't be the way i see the work place being. in the work place people can go on vacation and ignore their work. people feel like their entitled to "rest". In a family such irresponsible behaviour doesn't exist. In a church, when i leave something i want there to be someone brought by Christ, trained by Christ and me, to do whatever my job is. A lot of people burn out when they are doing too much and most of the work they are doing isn't even their own work. They are trying to do the thing that was meant for someone else.

In the end we burn because we're trying to be something we're not meant to be, even if it's just not meant for right. We have to be patient with God's plan and the ironic thing is, that is already the fastest pace we can go at.

quick update

so i've been really busy at work. It's to be expected since it's construction season and it seems like one of the key guys on my team is getting promoted to another position in the company. It's kinda odd for me since it wasn't so long ago when things were really quiet. It's actually cool how my entire life just got busy all at once.

One thing was noted about life. So i was telling someone how i've been happier. I've felt like i've been more happy and i said that. I figured it was because i didn't feel like i had to take care of people here so much and it's kinda true in different ways. 1) The people that don't like Jesus don't pretend to like him here. They have already left. 2) The people that do require less hand holding. I think the thing that bugged me most before was the lack of initiative on the part of those that claimed to love Christ. I don't feel like i have to take care of people that person said, then nothing has changed in you, just that the situation has changed. Those people don't need your help anyway.

It was interestingly disturbing. In reality I'm not the micromanager i used to be and those people, whom i dearly love and love me i would be surprised if they would tell me that i hindered their growth in any way.

still something i'm goin' to continue to think about.

how deep does the pit go?

i've started a bunch of posts but i guess this will be the one that gets finished. This will get finished not because i have more to say but because something worth while has been revealed. as much as i hate to admit things like this, i am actually no more out of the darkness than i was when i wrote the post about the seduction last week. it's a bit pathetic because i was starting to wake and then i fell back asleep.

right now i feel very human. it's a bizarre feeling. it's strange because i'm actually really sore as well. both knees aren't doing well right now and it's strange because my shoulder hurts as well. it's my body trying to make sense of my inner reality.

the reality is that i'm not acting like a follower ought to. It sickens me a bit to know that the tools given me to explore can be used without the Spirit. I can speak something true in a Bible study and see the truth but the words remain dead because i am dead at that moment.

The line, "i'm half asleep again" from Fight Club comes to mind over and over. Not that i'm tired and my state of awareness has anything to do with it but the reality is i'm half dead.

please pray for me because i'm not really in a state to help myself. there are things i must do and i need prayer to do them. The pit goes to hell and that is a far fall from where i was. may the Spirit intercede for me through your prayers, my dear brothers and sisters. Be here for me in my time of need.

thank you, everyone!

the seeduction of israelites

so it's looking like a semi-quiet afternoon and i'm sort of on a mission. I've just finished reading something and my mind is mulling it over so i figured i'd write. I can tell you that things haven't been much easier since the late night confrontation. This one didn't end so quickly and so in an effort to no regress i wondering about these Israelites that were seduced by moabites. The leaders were to expose these people and kill them. It's interesting because when was the last time i died for my sin? never, obviously but has this bred in me a romans 6 "sin more so grace may abound" type mentality? actually, i have take that grace as cheap this last week. No joke. I've become like every else in terms of where i am with God. He's been reduced to a vending machine God and i don't really know what i should do about it. So God has his harsh solution. A plague where people keep dying until this is complete. Not just the unrighteous will die, it's just anyone pretty much.

There is one guy who indulges in sexual sin "right before the eyes of Moses" and Phinehas, son of Eleazar, son of Aaron, grabs a spear, walks into the tent where the pair and drives the spear through both their bodies. At that point God's answer subsides, the plague stops and Phinehas finds favour in God's eyes and receives a promise from God.

I guess this is more simple than i've made it out to be. Rely on God's strength and finish the battle which is already won.

I guess i have to apologize to those whom I've been around. This is the reason i'm not more than i have been.