how powerful do you want to show yourself to be?

Thursday

11PM - Finally get home after a long day. Mom stops be and we talk
12:20 - shirley calls
1:08 - call ends, go to sleep
3:32 - alarm rings, have to wake up for my flight. have to get to airport by 6.
4:38 - get into the cab to airport. I close my eyes and see myself die in a couple different car accidents and converse with God regarding what superpowers i need to survive. "Enoch, where's your wallet" he says.
4:56 - realize i don't have my wallet, which has my valid photo ID. I start praying. I resolve not to look at the clock until i reach home in faith
5:13 - reach home get my wallet, check the clock and keep praying
5:35 - 401 express lane is closed and i'm feeling the pressure. My mind is stressed. I remember that Air Canada doesn't allow the acquisition of boarding passes something like 30 mins before the flight. My inner being asks, "God, How powerful will you show yourself to be?".

Realization
This was probably the most stressful and helpless i've been in a while. I laid out my stuff the night before to make sure i had it all. Suffice to say there was something vital i missed. As i was freaking it i realized it was not because God wanted to stress me out but God wanted to show me how powerful he was. It was interesting when my inner being spoke truth regarding the situation. In total calmness it asked, "how powerful will you show yourself to be?" and i understood at that moment. Though I was continually reminded of the power of God and my need for reliance on the God of time and space over and over It was a new realization of the necessity of moments like this morning. It's not because he's a jerk, but because he wants us to grow in faith and today i know my faith lept/grew. I quickly discarded any need for super powers because i have God and need nothing more.

5:55 - reach airport
5:58 - recieve boarding pass
6:07 - reach gate 120 and check in/board with the rest of the canadian tire folks like everything is right in the world
6:30 - exhale

I wish i could show you in words but i can't. I pray that you too will learn this beautiful truth of the character of God.

relentless pace... fragile humanity... God

So i can feel the world in a very real way, what i can only guess is what most people feel when they think they have to meet deadlines and not let people down. I guess it's what most of the young career people feel. There is this mounting and grewing feeling of stress when i know the expectations in exceed my ability to output results. The interesting thing is that, it's only slightly more. Just enough to bother me and just enough that i would think i can do it on my own.

Over the weeks it's gotten to this point. I'm feel the thing i call a relentless pace of life. There is no stopping to rest because if i did that i would just have to work harder to dig myself out of the hole i find myself in.

So during this time, which i now can finally see as a gift, the thought of "maybe i should cancel on my accountability group for tonight" came to mind and the justification of the course of action came and it was almost good enough for me to believe, "it's not like when everyone else does it, it's different!" and i know that's a load of crap. The thing for me is that nobody's situation is really that significantly different most of the time. You're busy like i'm busy like everyone is busy. I hear everyone's lines come streaming out, "But you don't get it, it's not the same! i'm different! The situation is different!" It's just humanity screaming out.

The lies came fast and furious and i thought it would have been good to leave the people that are supposed to help me in my walk so i can fix it. The lies of, "i need 'me' time" and "i need to do this on my own" come and the worse of all is this, "i need to recharge because i'm giving and not recieving." I know these, i hear these and i have contempt for all those who utter such things. If serving was a one way output then i know i'm doing it wrong. If i am better off alone that I show contempt for the ways of God who calls for community and fellowship.

So there is the fragile humanity that resides and i want to make note of it. I had not always seen this as a gift. Not immediately and this is where the foolish live. When we fail to acknowledge God we find the weight of the world is showing us to be increasingly helpless and we begin to crack, myself include. I begin to grasp onto things that allow me to escape. Since the movie twilight came out i'm been reminded over and over about why this appeals to people and why i would have seen it without hesitation as a kid. I wanted there to be something fantastic in this world where, if only i could stumble upon this secret i would leave the monotony of the world and live an exciting and supernatural life. Anything to get out of this dreary psychological prison. I kept waiting for the revelation. I kept reading hoping that something would come. I did what i could though I knew it was nothing without God's intervention. I kept hoping that God's time was near. I kept hoping that i would die or he would show me.

It came in parts. The first was the acknowledgement that the answer is not vampire or other cultish flights of fantasy, it was God. We long for the supernatural because we long for God. Satan has blinded us from that.

Then as i wrote the rest came. This time is a gift for me to more readily combat the lies of satan when it comes to me, the reality is, God's time is enough time. Even that is an understatement. God's time is abundant time! I will pray for how to use his time right. Now is a gift because it's a growth opportunity. it's a gift because it helps me know what i stand on is not just insensitive contempt for weakness and pride, it's real, it's solid, it's Christ and it does not change because his Truth never does. I can see that all the things i knew as Truth did not fail because Christ does not fail.

You lose satan!

So I'm listening to "I Stand Amazed (How Marvellous)" and it's been playing in my head since saturday and i don't even know why or hear the words, but I know my inner being has been and is amazed that the love Christ has for me, in my entirety. Both the weak humanity that needs rescuing and the bold intertwined spirit that roars mightily at the victory that will be brought, but is now here by faith.

wow, it's pretty late and yet i have no compulsion to go to bed yet. I mean, my eyes are dry and i think it would be nice to sleep but there is this thing i feel like i have to write. I haven't written in a long time and here i am to make up for not sharing more than i could.

so i've really be struggling through the apparent reality that i'm a both alive and dead at the same time. I'm both son of God and the sinner is not gone. I've been trying to come to grips with the reality of it all and I've been a bit depressed actually about where things are and the struggle in finding out what to do. how does a person live in such a bi-polar state? how can the old and new testiment contain the same God? how do i accept the path i'm walking knowing that there must be more. I've written over and over in my notebook while i've been on the road and i keep wondering to myself when this will all end. Every flight, every drive, every left turn, i keep hoping it will end and yet there is more that God will show me. I have not reached the summit yet. There is more to understand and more to know of God. I'm still lacking in so many ways and it's almost enough to crush me.

this morning i picked up my bag and it was heavy. It really is heavy as far as bags go because i like to keep everything in my bag. My laptop, my Bible, my files, my keys, change, BB, pens, everything. This is the weight of my own life on my own shoulders. I think to myself, this is true. My life bears a lot of weight and i wonder, "why does anyone ever carry this much?" I don't mean in physical weight but why does a man decide that it's right for him to carry this burden in his soul? Why does it have an odd sense of comfort? Without Christ i would be crushed under the weight of my own life.

this brings me to the quietness of tonight. As i was waiting for my turn to share at a meeting tonight i started to write about one of the key attributes of Enoch. Enoch is an addict, an obessor. I'm not sure if others can be defined by their obesessions but i know i can. Whether it's my crackberry or anime or even the Watchman novel i enjoy the feeling of obession. I like having something consume me and this is why i feel like something is wrong when Christ and I have been a bit distant. He's been waiting for me and this is why i'm writing now. I can't live until i come to terms with certain things. Tonight there has been a new lesson about burn out. The knowledge that what i shared with the parents and kids tonight is useful doesn't phase me. It's good to know but in my heart i was a tool that was used by God but the relationship is still not right. Shirley and i will pray about that tonight. This is something that i see about burn out. It's not a function of having been totally consumed by God and having nothing left, it's just burning away from the source of fire on your own. God is both fuel and fire. To be away from God is therefore us burning and on our own. If the fuel doesn't run out, the fire eventually will. I can't make sense of the analogy but i'm sure you'll know what i mean when you keep serving and God reveals this one to you.

This is what i need. The pure glory of his holy fire. But how do i return to that? My heart asks and my Spirit laughs. It speaks of Malachi chapter 3. How humbling. How foolish my life shows me to be. It's actually a bit comdemning but that's probably not the right word, convicting might be. Either way i have to move forward.

i love you and want to be with you... when i pray i like to....

so one of the mysteries for me was why God would want to be around me or sinners in general. There are those moments when i feel like God should have left me to rot and come back when i'm less horrible or less monstrous. God showed me why he does it and and how deep his love for us is when he can see past all of it and love me despite.

Shirley was having a rough day yesterday and didn't really to talk and i could tell and yet i wanted to badly to be with her and not just help her but just to be with her. It's hard to explain the feeling. It was love. It doesn't matter how horrible she is being to me or how much she wants to hide and sulk, i will sit with her if she wants to sulk. In the end i was able to pray for her and that is all i could do but that is a moment that God showed me that he would never leave me even if i wanted him to. It's also because the moments i want to be away is likely the moment i should be with him.

****

So i like to keep my eyes open when i pray. It was so I could be vigilant at all times and that was good for a while. Tonight i prayed and my eyes were closed and the world disappeared and God told me that i should pray like that for a while, eyes closed i mean. Why? it's a trust thing. I gotta know that when i stop, God doesn't. I was lazy before and to love God meant i should do all things for him. Now that i'm responsible, loving God means to trust him and so i don't need to watch, i need to trust. It's nice to know i'm not bound to any arbitrary action or position but bound to the Law of the Spirit.

I don't really know where to start but the thought of my humanity came to mind and I opened this window as if there was something to write. I guess there have been less things to teach and more of my struggles on this blog. It has been a challenge for me to find my equilibrium as my life is constantly shifting. There was a beautiful routine i had that worked and it was nice but now it's not so nice because i'm not able to fit into the routine.

I guess it's a security thing not there isn't much i can do about it.

So as i wrestle with where I am and what I'm doin' and I wonder to myself about that. It's not so much what God is up to, that's clearer but what am i doing and how do i flow with him? I get that God is at work and I can tell people that I can see what he's doing at the same time I know that I'm the limiting factor in all this and as always, he's waiting for me. So what happens now? I don't know.

edit:
So God confirmed tonight that I'm over thinking this entire thing. Whatever the Father does the son does as well. I just gotta participate in what God is going in my life. There really isn't much of a trick to it. I guess i forgot why i asked to see in the first place. I guess it also seems like I'm not doing anything because I'm doing what is natural but that is why I wanted to see. Seeing the truth allows me to respond naturally in truth. It's easy for me to freak out when it seems like I've let my guard down. Yay God. My Comfort and Rock.

So i've been listening to "The Voice of Truth" by casting crowns and it's a nice song and but it never really meant much to me until recently. I guess this is probably one of my less confident moments and this song is making that difference. It doesn't matter to me that i can't but that has to be paired with God can or else i become indifferent.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to you faith goodness, and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self control; and to self control, perseverance, and to perseverence godliness and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 2 Peter 1:7

I haven't been very divine feeling and it's a reality check for me. There are things that should be dealt with and it's been a challenge. I guess that's why i've been focusing on the divine power and divine nature in the prior verse... or maybe i only realize i'm not when i do see those things for what they are.

It's hard to tell whether i feel lowly because i'm lowly or simply because i understand what godly is.

If God were a boy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVTyLqkez6A

So I've been listening to this song and it finally clicked why i've been listening. I'm already a guy and i don't treat my girl like that but i realize as i was talking to David Wu about his life with Christ and I mentioned that God is a jealous God and i heard this song in my mind switch on. Please understand the context. Not if God came to earth, but if God treated us like we treat him.

[Verse]
If God were a boy
Even just for a day
He'd roll outta bed after noontime
Too tired to listen to our prayers.
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
He’d kick it with who he wanted
Never give a crap about losers
Let everyone fend for themselves

[Chorus]
But because he is God
Only he understands
How it feels to love a human
Though they rarely truly repent
He listen to us
But I know that it hurts
When he died for those he loves
But they've taken him for granted
And they live their lives like he's not around.

That is my weak rendition of arranging the lyrics but it brings me to that place were I again have to take a long hard look at my life and wonder where i need to be and ask him to take me there. Revelations come and it's that shattering moment for me. At the end of the song, there is this part:

What?
What?
I said, it's not like i'm sleeping with the girl.

And that part gets to me because it's like every Christian that says something stupid like, "The Bible doesn't specifically say i can't do that." Or even something like, "what? God will forgive me." When their actions show a totally disregard for the relationship with Christ that's all that there is to it.