I was getting my knee checked today and the nice thing about the wait is i'm supposed to read a book recommended by pastor tim. i'm not sure but i feel like i don't share the illusions of married life as the author talks about and that's kinda weird for me. i know that there are a lot of bs things that media will depict for me and they are wrong and the only thing i really care about is how God will be glorified by me being the Jesus in the relationship.

I think shirley would tell you that i'm very needy. Honestly, i am emotionally fragile and i want to be loved. It's a reality for me and i can get extremely lonely in my world. I'm not sure if people know the feeling that i'm talking about, it's feeling that my heart is a blackhole and it feels like my chest is going to implode because i'm so lonely. It physically hurts when i'm like that. But despite all that i'm clear that what i feel comes secondary to what is right. I guess, in the end, this is like everything else, God alone matters and when that happens there is no more "me first" mentality, i have no more rights and am deserving of nothing, I should just live out the faith, hope and love that display the glory of God.

I did wonder what shirley was thinking as she read it but then i realize, as i always do, what i do has nothing to do with her. Whether she does or does not, i am expected to be the Jesus.

edit:
so i have bruises on my forearm and i kinda wondered what they were from. *mental back track* i'm was an usher for Dave/Kristen's wedding and one of the things i did was carry stuff, chair and tables, gifts and whatever else. I welcomed people. I ran around. One of the roles that came to pass was because i was the only one that attended scac and being related to Joanie, the GM. I was the go to usher :S weird but true. My arms are bruise from all the crap i was carrying. there is a bit of symetry because the chairs rested on the same part of my arm every time i lifted. But there was 1 moment where i was coming up the stairs to get my chairs from the sanctuary where i was felt really honoured to be the one that was able to do this for D/K. Some of other guys were taking a quick water break and that's good. They worked really hard too. I was just thinking about how it was a privilage, even though i missed part of the ceremony or part of the reception that i was happy. Them being happy was good for me. It's how it is when we serve God too. It doesn't matter if others are taking a break or whether anyone notices or not, cuz i'm almost sure nobody really notices and that's fine. It's not about any of those things, it's about D/K's day. It's about God's day. It's about everyone else and not me. It's what i was talking about above and before. Behold, the Lamb of God.