walk on....

I'm not really sure what to write about. there are things i've never noticed in scripture before and ...

so in the story where peter walks on water people always talk about how you can't walk on water unless you get out of the boat. what is walking on water and what is it's significance? The images that come to mind are of kids that aren't allowed to go to the deep end of a pool. It's too dangerous cuz they can't really touch the bottom. The danger with swimming is that you can get tired, the waves and currents may be too strong and the water is too deep. If a person walks on the surface of the water there are no hazards. regardless of how windy, deep or energy level, if water is like solid ground there is nothing to fear. In this we can see that If we could walk on water in our own lives we will perpetually be safe and comfortable.

i know that's true but what about the rest of it? how does a person keep walking on water after he gets out? There is a good chance someone will sink so my question is how to keep this walking on water sustainable? The line i've never really noticed was, "and when they got into the boat the winds ceased." After Jesus rescues peter they get back into the boat. the went from where they were in the water back to the boat. regardless of whether Jesus carried peter or they walked together it's reasonable to say that they walked back into the boat. Let's not forget what we're meant to do in those situations. we walk.

why my heart beats... When God is steering...

why my heart beats...

there really is only one relevant time that you will find my heart beating. I think the most intense is when the Spirit is upon me and impressing upon me to go do something. I guess what it means to be excited about God evades me right now and what it means to be in the Spirit will have a whole new meaning in a few weeks as i explore.

When God is steering...

So yesterday shirley and i were driving along and i saw a bus that was done picking up passengers and was kinda moving to turn out. I was already moving pretty quickly so it would be best if i got outta his way. I accelerated. Shirley saw the cars in front of me stop to turn into a plaza. I didn't see that. I was accelerating into stopped cars. There is no space. "Enoch, watch out!"

This is a moment were information floods into my brain. I try to stop. I won't make it. I jerk the car right and i'm over the curb but skid over the snow toward the parked cars. I turn back to avoid them.

"What is man that you are mindful of him,
The son of man that you care for him? "

I was kinda shocked about what happened and happy it all worked out and i realize how little i am but how much God cared. I was just talking to Adrian about how, even though God's plan will work with or without us, he chooses to use us. That verse captures no only his seemingly irrational desire to care for us but also to have us share in his glory.

Shirley, after a bit of driving says, "I'm happy God is driving in our relationship" and i know she mean for all of life as well. By nature i'm an aggressive moron. It's very humbling to be shown how dumb i am and how God will save me despite myself.

And now i'm listening to a song, one of my favourites since the Chia's sang it during coffee house. "Your Grace Still Amazes Me". What a beautiful song about my Beautiful Saviour.

the void

there is a beautiful thing i've come to see. I had to be sure and i am sure now. There is a void in my soul.

So i got the warcraft disks back from dave so i could play some today. it was ok. i'm not owning and i didn't really expect to. I miss being an addict. It seems that over the last little while i've lost that intensity. It's because the old self it too dead to enjoy those things and the new self is too n00b to enjoy what it should. I hate the old life too much to really enjoy it anymore. That's a great thing to know. There is a void because God made it so when i died. Now i have to fill it with God or he has to fill me with it and it's an awkward thing. I used to think i loved God and i know it really can't be the case because he continues to show me more of how i don't. how humbling.

honestly, i never really compared how i feel during intense games, regardless of the game, and moments with God. Granted not every moment of every game is like that but it can't be as bland as my soul feel right now.

The real question is, "what am i supposed to do about it?" How can i love him more? There is no real answer and this is what i've been trying to embrace.

unbeating heart

tonight i had craving for some DotA. It's weird... these days i've realized something... it's very rare for me to feel... excited? I guess it's a very primal part of me that want to truly compete on some level. It feels like my heart is barely beating. The reason dota is so special to me is because i remember a time when i was just learning how to use Bloodseeker and my heart was going over 120 just sitting there and playing. I know there are times when i'm playing poker and i've re-raised someone all in because i sense their weakness even though i have nothing and my heart is about to explode outta my chest. As i'm eating my dinner i think to myself, why the hell do i not feel like that in the rest of my life? where is the excitement?

I think back to a fight in Bleach, it was when Nnoitora and he talks about how he loves the feeling on being on the edge between life and death and the stronger he gets the more fights he can have. I think about what the equivalent in my life is and i can't come up with anything. What is it that truly pushes me to the breaking point and is exciting and where i feel alive? I don't want my heart rate to be up because i'm running, i want it to be up because i'm truly excited about something.

something is wrong and i will find out what.

a light snack

So i had the luxury of teaching a class today. It makes me laugh a bit to think that people believe teaching is a burden when i long to do it so badly. I was subbing for a class of 25 kids and they are pretty dear to my heart. I really miss the teaching. I really miss interacting with these kids. I sort of miss the challenging them in their faith and "confusing" them. I guess it's a play outta the roger play book and ultimately the Jesus play book. People, even some in the class, think i go off on tangents but the reality is, if i can keep the topic in mind, the random conversation will eventually come together and it did. I hope they were confused but will sort through the challenges of the day. There is so much the can have if they could only reach out and take it. I guess reaching out is something God does for them too. i miss this.

i think about king david as he must have, during times of war, thought to himself, "I'd rather being playing the harp", beyond the obvious, "God said so". Iunno. We all do things we don't want to do because it's what we should do. It's interesting to see that even in serving there are things we prefer and things we should do.

maybe i'll complete these thoughts soon. just snack on these for now.

dead or weak? [edit]

so i was talking to liz tonight and telling her about my knee injury and i realized something about my spirit.

as far as i can tell my leg has recovered and is fully healed. I've even been exercising and doing jump training. the problem is, it's still weak. Ever notice that about your own spiritual walk? It's not like you don't have faith or that you're not alive in the spirit, just really weak. Honestly, i could tell from the first minute of actual game play that i wasn't totally ready. I wasn't fast. I could feel my leg click and shift as i landed after grabbing a rebound. I thought my leg would hold. I hoped it would. i wished it would. i wanted it to. I thought my leg would adapt. As i sit here i know that i do that in my walk as well. I keep hoping and wanting and praying that i don't screw it all up. i guess i'm still pondering the difference between weak and dead.

food for thought.

[edit Wednesday 6:06pm]

So this morning i woke up and i prayed as i do most mornings, "Lord by your stripes I am healed. Heal my soul and my knee." I know what this passage is about but it's what came so i prayed. I got up and couldn't help but laugh because i walked with no pain. The funny things for me is that knowing my sins were forgiven are more important to me than the physical healing. Lord, "What is your servant, that you should look upon such a dead dog as I?" Who am I that God should do anything for me? I'm just a dead dog.

His word to me, "If the people of Ammon are too strong for you then I will come and help you. Be of good courage, and let us be strong for our people and for the cities of our God. And may the LORD do what is good in His sight."

weak... yeah i'm weak. Faith isn't for what i already have, faith is to be now what I will be in eternity. I will approach God in confidence, down the middle isle, even if i'm coming late. He would want me to.

love

I'll start with my revelation that was written on friday night during my visit to Western ACF.

"So my eyes have been tainted by satan's attempts to distract me. I've begun to focus on me and my love was shown weak. Where have I been with God? He's show me the beauty of himself. He has, in that, givem me eyes and revelation. My justice. Fuck my 'justice'. [King] David gave it up. I don't need it. God will bring it and it will be all that matters. His love will save my. Why justice? Why no redemption?"

So in my readings of 2 Samuel 5 and Romans 2 it became clear to me that my own selfishness began to demand things. Though i had been wronged i didn't want to forgive. There was this notion of justice and how i wanted that. i wanted the wrongs to be 'righted' somehow.

I've been struggling with these in the last while. Trying to let God overcome the rage and doubts in my mind. The things that i knew about God carried me though. I knew he would fix it and the Truth in Romans 8 carried me, it was the foundation for my faith.

As i explored this with God's revelations of my own soul i began to recall a lesson that was taught to me. I recall the mentality of Paul in Galatians. He would give up his rights to save a anyone. Where is my love?

In this i began to see what true strength is. It isn't getting what's right. It isn't fighting for justice, though justice for the weak would be one outlet of strength. True power is love. They say, "Love conquers all" and I've come to see that Jesus displays power in everything he does but whether in gentle healings or massive scale miracles, there is always love in it all. His greatest act was an act of love. It's is the gospel of love that we preach. Though there will always be peace and justice and all the other aspects of God i've come to see the beauty of God is expressed in the thing that will not pass away, his love.

God has tested me in this for my benefit, so that i may see love. How greatful i was! At the end of the night there was an offer of an open floor for anyone that wanted to share. I knew i had something cool that came to me but the first thought was, "This is their fellowship, not yours. Just let them be. Someone else will probably say something". Then the Truth came and it was this, "What God gives to you is not for you, it's for everyone else". How selfish i was being! What is love if it's not shared? So i did and nobody else did after. There was no other message, only one, love. I had taken the opportunity and i am greatful.