so recently God mentioned something to me and i figured i should write it down. "Hey Enoch, I'm a person not an item or resource."

So there I am trying to figure out how to better get myself out of a rut and how to make sure i'm not tired and useless and God had to remind me that he wasn't just a tool for my life. He's not here to help me life my life, he's here to dictate how i live his (by ownership) life.

I guess I do forget these things. I see the underlying issues. Let's break it down. I'm tired. Why? Because i don't sleep? No. Because i don't have rest. My soul finds rest in Christ. The underlying problem is my lack of God in my life. How does this get fixed? More God. Why would i do that though? So i can be less tired and do what i want? NO! Because I love God and it's the natural fruit of the life i claim. The underlying issue isn't not enough time spent with God but my lack of relationship building quality time with God. I forgot the deeper layer. I know that, "more God" is the answer, but it's good to be clear what the question is. Not fatigue, not functionality, but relationship.

knowing the real deal

So I watch videos of street fighter 3 and 4 on youtube because i find them highly entertaining. One thing i've discovered during my youtube exploration is that there are certain people that are famous for this kind of stuff. I think my favourite sf3 players would be Daigo, RX, Kuroda and Hayao. Periodically I'll looking up videos of their fights and enjoy a good match between them and other good players that usually take place in a tournament setting. It's pretty intense cuz these guys are professionals. It's also funny cuz they aren't that cool in real life actually. They seem like they're really cool in the game but they are still just regular folks.

Over my time watching their fights i realized something... not every fight that is titled, "daigo vs RX", for example, would actually be those two guys. There usually is a bunch of comments complaining that the vid is fake and people are pissed. I usually am disappointed as well. How can we tell though? We've never met these guys and never will. I guess it brings me back to how we know God even though we've never met him during the early part of our walk. I know Daigo's style and his mannerisms. It's kinda cool when I see that even he has patterns that are understandable. Having seen so many of his fights it's no longer, "dang this guy is so good", it's now, "dang, i now see why this guy is so good". It's an informed type of respect. When we meet God initially the stories and amazement is great, except there lacks that connection to his character. It's why the stories don't hit home. As we spend more time understanding God and knowing his ways we begin to connect and understand how it means something to us as well. My faith is build on the experiences i have with him and when people tell me "God isn't real", i don't need to prove anything i know him personally. The fakes are no longer a hurdle, just a disappointment and cannot hold our interest as we're only interested in the real deal.

Chopsticks, Wedding-Mare, Inevitable Fire

Chopsticks.

So last night before dinner started i was teaching shirley's sister how to use chopsticks. It seems like such a small yet explicit statement of being chinese. Prior to yesterday her argument to this learning was, "I can use chopsticks. This works just fine" as she holds them clenched in her fist. It actually baffled me how it worked at all. The odd thing for me is that statement reminded me of a lot of non-christians that tell me their life is fine. It makes me wonder, "which part? the 7 days of work or the hang over you have right now because your ex is now going out with someone else?" Yet i understand because it just seems so normal. (No kicks to the person i'm referring to. You were the first one to come to mind though i doubt you'll read this anyway). I don't give people a hard time for it. Over the course for about 10 minutes she learns what her hand should do and picks up her first item, a cashew. After that she's all happy and as the real meal begins she goes back to her old ways and when i ask, "why aren't you holding your chopsticks properly?" she responds, "i'm hungry and it's hard to hold them like that. I'll starve." Yes, an obvious exaggeration but this is more a statement of her priorities and a reflection on new Christians that are rooted on rocky soil. "yay i can pick something up the new/better way and now i'm going back to my old ways" is what her life says. A strange moment of reflection on back sliding. She seems retarded, but she's not. It's something common in all men, myself included.

Wedding-Mares.
So i rarely get nightmares. The most recent have all been wedding related. Those that think i don't care should go screw themselves! i literally lose sleep over stuff :D It's the worst feeling when you know it's a dream but can't get out.

Inevitable Fire.
So one thing i noticed in my readings of Matt 3 was the inevitable fire that comes. Either the Baptism of Spirit and Fire or the fire that burns the chaff. It's either a refining fire or a consuming fire and the it's interesting because there are many paralells between the fate of all man. All face the death of the flesh. All face the judgement of God, some into death and others into life. Here is where i stand, knowing there is only a small difference between meeting the fire with the Spirit into abundance or meeting the fires with my spirit into condemnation.

Slow Dancing in a Burning World

Hey folks,
So, i really like this song but it's a really sad song. At first when i heard this title i thought it was about people that were slow dancing in a room that is burning down. I pictured shirley and me together regardless of what the world says. Then i realized the song was about a couple that is slowly dying. As i looked deeper into the words i realized that as Christians we often see the world falling apart and we're doing nothing. There isn't any urgency or sensitivity. So i put this together. As you know i don't write songs, just jump on ones i like.

Enjoy.

Slow Dancing in a Burning World,
Music and original Lyrics: John Mayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwMfS594qfE (original)
Edit: ME!

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
The life they’ve been working on.

Can't seem to build it like they want to
The house with fancy cars.
Nobody's gonna go and save then,
We’re watching them from afar.

They’re going down,
And you can see it too.
They’re going down,
And you know that they’re doomed.
My friends,
We're slow dancing in a burning world.

It’s the life they’ve always dreamed of,
The one they’re tried to draw.
Why would you tell them it’s nothing
It’s the only life they’ve ever saw.

Go make the most of all the sadness,
You should share because you can.
But you judge them in a hurry
So you leave them feeling dirty
‘Cause you can’t understand.

They’re going down,
And they just need you to care.
They’re going down,
And you know that they’re doomed.
My friends,
We're slow dancing in a burning world.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go pray about it - why don't you?
Go out to them - why don't you?

My friends, we're slow dancing in a burning world,
Burning world,
Burning world,
Burning world,
Burning world.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta go by now?
Don't you think we shoulda trained somehow?
Don't you think we oughta go by now?

Freedom

One of the toughest things for me is trying to understand what freedom and bondage is. It’s related to how I came to terms with freedom from sin.
So in accountability we were talking about a few things and one thing that I brought up was how to properly dress for church. I have attained the freedom to wear what I want. The relationship I’ve developed with God allows me to be comfortable and between him and me I know that what I have on the outside is fine. I want to represent understanding, freedom and thinking outside the box of tradition and so I wear whatever I want. It’s not random why I dress the way I do anyway. When working with kids that think the only thing that God does is impose rules it’s good to show them that it’s not about rules but about freedom. This is the initial freedom that comes from knowing God loves you regardless of how you look on the outside. It’s about the heart and these kids need to know that. If this life was simply between myself and God, it would be enough and complete.
Then as we progressed in conversation it becomes clear to me that there is another form, a higher form, of freedom. This freedom incorporates not just me and God, but also his people. This is the freedom to give up the freedom, not in bondage and slavery but because of love or the bonds of love. During the moment I knew it was right and the passages flood into my mind as I stare into the face of inevitability. I will have to change what I wear and who I am because they won’t. For everyone that can’t see past the clothes I will give up my freedom, because I’d rather give up my freedom to meet them where they are than have discord in the church. Even looking at that phrase bothers me. Why should I, the one who has gathered so much freedom, give it up for those that sit in their own judgemental bondage? There is no fair reason. There isn’t really a just reason either actually. There is love. My love will give it up even though their love should never ask it of me. It’s the promise before God that I will love his people regardless of who they are or what they do.

Here is a bit of something I wrote a few weeks back. I thought i would have time to complete it but i guess not.

So one thing i feel like i have to do is be a big tank. Regardless of how hard things get or how tired a i am or how impossible the odds, i feel like it's my responsibility to be strong enough to stand my ground and in the end, stand. I can't see why i would be any less. So as i embrace that it's not only about be strong for me, but being strong so others around me aren't hurt either. Not to protect them and shelter them from battles that will help them grow, but to free them from pain so that they can truly grow. There is no need for the, "no pain no gain" mentality when God can teach you either way, if you'd let him.

Anyway, i gotta protect people from the world, but then i realized i gotta protect them from myself. Venting and ranting never benefit those that listen and i realize that in a desperate shot for someone to understand i said a bunch of things that would never help anything. i guess it's a small understanding that people won't understand the price i've paid to get where i am and how that's the only difference with tanks and...

*** Here is the new stuff continued ***

... most everyone else, we're ready to eat damage, to do what hurts for the kingdom, even if it's for people that don't even love us back.

I've had some crazy days/nights where i ask God to end it. How is it that i must keep enduring? As i sat naked before the LORD I thanked him for the revelations, to know who i am and what i am to do. To know he will always help me stand and even though there are impossibilities before me the three things i need to know, Faith, Hope and Love. I am nobody of consequence and why would the be any entitlement or competency? He will grant grace as he sees fit and as he's compelled by love and I... I will keep breathing and remember that i serve the Living God and I am nobody that deserves, yet is dearly loved.