Mr M0nsT3r

uncause, self caused, caused by another

2012-01-26T11:32:00.003-05:00

Can the universe be uncaused? The idea that nothing can bring forth something is a flawed in the natural world. There is a cause for everything. The idea of nothing is hard to comprehend but even so, how does nothing cause something? It's like there is a boundary around the natural world where random stuff doesn't appear out nowhere.

The idea that something can create itself is hard problematic as well. Nothing in our natural world is like that either. I didn't create myself. Even in cellular division or cloning, it's not that the thing itself was both cause and effect.

Then we get to created by another and then our natural world makes sense. There is an originator to all that. The question I have now is, what is the way of the Spirit realm that it can transcend the uncaused and self caused issues? If our universe had to have a creator why doesn't God have to follow that same logical principle?

There is a part 1 and part 3 but this is the one where they talk about the causation of the universe, which is the conversation they are having.

As I'm writing it became clear. We're not actually comparing the same thing. The natural world is created so it follows the cause and effect, the timelines and those rules. Because there is an observable beginning and end we know that there is a limitation. What about God who is not bound by time? Well it's clear that God is beyond time and space so there is no beginning and no end. That realm is different than ours. It consistently deals with the problem of, "though our universe in all it's complexity had to be created, God, though infinitely more complex, needs no creator."

The Right Decisions... Just Stop Thinking About It

2012-01-24T12:50:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we make good decisions and then something strange happens. The decision, though correct, doesn't pan out. What I'm talking about it? I'm talking about the times we decide to fold a hand and exactly what you need comes up to win, but you've already folded. I'm talking about all the times you figured following God is the right thing and you see everyone else getting ahead.

I've been reading Amos these days. I've read it a few times actually. I think it's something that God is trying to get through to me. The right thing to do is always the right thing and so we shouldn't look at what other people do to determine that. Furthermore, it's not just good enough to do the right things, it's important to enjoy the doing as well. There is more to it than just the actions and so I guard my heart against the anxiousness that comes with playing with my hobby. just enjoy it.

I just gotta stop over thinking and go with it, always remembering not to let my feelings overcome the reasoning.

What Are We Selling?

2012-01-23T10:09:00.003-05:00

So I stumbled upon this video this morning and it lined up with something I'd been thinking about. Sometimes we think that the music industry should be about talent :P Obviously this video shows that it may not be. At the same time, what are presenting as the core of Christianity?

As much as the music industry lacks in actual talent, we get the religious industry lacking in Jesus :P I think you get what I mean. There are lots of instances where we see the religious organization and we hear that, "Jesus saved me so I could go to heaven", and know full well that Jesus saved you for a lot more than that and also that the individual has no idea how Jesus did it.

Sometimes we think it's a problem with the industry but it's just a problem with the people that profit from the situation. It's always the problem with the people. If the gospel is not clearly resented it's because the presenters have problems.

Why is it so hard to explain the gospel? Why is what we're saying not good news? Why is it that what I said doesn't sound like it is able to be consistent with the God of the old and new testament? Maybe because we don't live the gospel :P Just something to think about.

Learning for myself, learning for my kids.

2012-01-20T13:01:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Steve and I were working pretty hard in the gym... I'm pretty sure we made some good progress both physically and mentally pushing ourselves. That was in stark contrast to the quiet meditation that came after I got home and settled down. Between the two things, I slept really well last night. I can't say I'm not tired still. I know that it doesn't just get fixed but it's another step in the right direction.

So at the gym Steve and I learn to push our bodies to the limit and we encourage each other to keep going and help a bit when it's necessary. By extension we need this sort of thing in our spiritual lives as well as our physical. Being able to force ourselves and push is important and the funny thing is that with our mind the thing we have to force out is distraction so we can have the focus. We focus so we can focus on God. That's why mediation, prayer and, now more obviously, prophesy are so closely linked. It sort of frustrates me a little that this wasn't taught to me sooner. Oh well. Better now than never.

I know my mother passed teaching and wisdom to me. I want my kids to have prophesy as well. Maybe add in intercession. I think that's one thing I will do for my kids, discover as much as I can about the spiritual gifts so they can develop theirs. We'll see. I guess that's an interesting thought, how much do you love your kids? Enough to start paving the way for them to be great in the kingdom?

God of Carnage

2012-01-16T09:05:00.003-05:00

I had an interesting talk with someone today. The question of the day is, "Would you be willing to let someone, specifically a leader, make mistakes that affect a lot of other people?"

I think the general obvious answer is, "No". Just fix it beforehand and there should be no mistakes to deal with. Why would you let something like that happen?

There was a time in my life when mistakes didn't matter because I didn't care. Then there was a time in my life where if I knew mistakes were going to happen I would be really antsy because I did care. I'd even take it over myself because I cared too much about the actions. Then there was a time where I was indifferent. I think things are at a stage now where I observe and plan for contingency and if someone asks for help then I'll help, it not then I'll let it be a big ugly mess. I think that loving is playing the in the shadows. Knowing what's going on and not touching things has been one of the most challenging things in my life yet it's because I need to let people decide not only whether something is right or wrong but even being able to ask for help is something they need to learn to do. But often we just get the big ugly mess.

I think the big ugly mess is part of the process. For sunday school, the is my reality. I think a large part of the issue is that as humans, we don't like big ugly messes. God has permitted it and through the Bible you can tell that our entire existence was a big ugly mess that is redeemed by God.

So we pray. Iprayer we see what God wants and sometimes he shows us a train wreck. We think it's our job to stop it and it may even be to speak out against it, but to change it is not our job. It's like everything else, the more we intervene the more problematic things become. Sometimes the carnage is part of the plan. Sometimes our job is not to stop anything but be prepared for when it happens and be prepared to minister to people. Sometimes hearts and minds and souls need to be broken for God to bind them.

I guess the challenge is knowing when each of those things is. God is proactive but sometimes his plan involves us being reactive or waiting for the proper time. Are we willing to let everyone suffer for God's work to be done? This is the faith test. It's not our own suffering because there is none. We give willingly. The faith is knowing that he loves the ones we love more than us and by leaving mother and father, sister and brother, we will find that it is the only way to have them back.

So yeah, I naturally gravitate towards dealing with issues before they occur but keep in mind that sometime and for some people, that doesn't happen. Sometimes, all the wise counsel in the world doesn't change anything and we know that we speak in love and then we watch the carnage, and then we love some more. Sometimes it's letting things get "out of hand" and "go on too far" or "too long" and continuing in prayer because my actions, though they may change the outcome, create a human outcome, not a faith based outcome.

Netflix

2012-01-10T16:38:00.005-05:00

So I was writing a post today about Netflix and how crazy it is as a stock. This is type of thing is exactly why there is messed up perception of the stock market.

History, from 2007 - Early 2010 it was at $20 and went to about $55. That's pretty typical of a tech stock that takes off. The $1.02 EPS doubles $2.05 and that makes sense that the price of the shares would double. Then it goes from $2.05 to $3.06 and the price is now $190 by the end of 2010. It's high is just under $300 in Aug of 2011 and the EPS is estimated at $4 for 2011. Pause here. Do the math. The P/E is 75! It's pretty crazy. Flash forward... the stock has been downgrade and was trading at about $70 at the end of 2011. That would assume that if EPS is $4 it's trading at about a 19 times P/E. Still high but acceptable. Now the question is what's the expected EPS? According to the Zack's research, about 50 cents for 2012. Again we're looking at a stock trading at a 200x P/E.

Situations like this really bother me. I haven't hear the specific earnings guidance for this company but even if the Zack's should double their estimate, the P/E is still 100x. Why do people still buy at this ridiculous price? Even when it was at $70 it's a terrible price. There are a few types of people that buy stuff like this.

1) Sheep (ignorant) - I just hope these people aren't using money they can't afford to lose.
2) Gamblers (Greedy) - This is their choice I guess.
3) Thieves (Greedy and Smart) - I guess someone has to be one of these people.

It's hard for me to look at this and not want to be #3 but I think I'm still not skilled enough. I'd just end up being in #2. Maybe I will take a course in this one day.

I was trying to think of something spiritual to mash in there but I'd rather not. Sometimes it's enough to reflect on ourselves and ask if we're ignorant, greed or just a jerk.

The New Normal

2012-01-06T09:19:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we talk about the Normal Christian life and how it redefines our idea of normal. Our normal isn't really what the world considers normal. If anything normal Christians seem extreme. This so-called extreme becomes the normal.

I was talking to Ken and I mentioned how I'm tired and how I thought that being tired is pretty normal. I think at certain stages of life we will be tired. Resting and training is meaningless if there aren't moments that require extreme determination and surges of strength. The idea of training is to simulate those situations so when they do come up we will not be trying to cope but we are already familiar and prepared.

So here I am, exhausted and anticipating a hectic day. It's days like this that I remember and know the strength of God. It's days like today that I know that the crushing blows will come and the storms and torrents will come and insecurities and weakness will surface. I picture someone falling to their hands and knees, sweat pouring down their face, stabbed through by a sword and blood gushing out of his mouth and then a smile runs across his face. not because he knows he's going to die, though that wouldn't be a bad thing, today he gets to confront them.

Bernard was talking about whack-a-mole and sometimes it feels like that when dealing with our problems. We think they are gone but they are just hiding. Sometimes "all hell breaks loose" and it's a good thing, we get to facing them head on. We know that at the end of it all there is only victory for us and only defeat for them. I will heal. they will be cast out. they might want to bring some friends and come back but in time the entire demon world will know that no amount of friends will help them overcome. Our God is the King of kings and Lord of lords.

Remembering... Removing... Recgenerating... maybe this is my endless waltz (who's a gundam fan :P )

Meditation and Prophesy

2012-01-05T09:16:00.002-05:00

These are the new themes for the near term. It's weird, I'm not sure how the timings for things work since the market has taught me to look long so I begin to think in 12 month to 3-5 years and that's the fundamentals but I know that reactions in the market and the numbers which are the pure numbers and the technical short term side.

Since this has started God has shown me images and I think this is how it works. After hearing the prophesies of my friends what I'm experiencing is like it. I am confirmed in the rest of my relationship with God and so I'm on this road. I wonder who else is out there that does this. There must be more prophets.

Meditations is something I've been working on for a little while as well leading up to this. It makes sense that it was a natural progression from prayer to meditation to prophesy. pray, the communicating with God and the meditation upon what he says and then the speak of that which is prophesy.

Not today

2012-01-03T13:10:00.002-05:00

So one of the things that I deal with on a general basis is lust or conversely, loving my wife more. One of the things I've been praying about that I'd love my wife more. Wouldn't you know, these days I find myself looking at my wife differently. I find her more beautiful. I call her honey now. Lots of reasons why that is, but it is. I find the time spent with her much more satisfying and there is a deeper sense of longing for her. I'm just putting it out there. God intends for me to be a good man and I need to ask him for that.

Conversely, as I was going home yesterday afternoon I knew I would have some time to be alone with a computer and two thoughts quickly came to mind, pretty standard thoughts I guess. The first was pornography. The moment came and I said, "Not today, satan." The second was to watch Person of Interest and delay going to meet up with my men's group who were just playing games anyway. "Not today, satan". then I was going to sleep instead of go to prayer meeting. "Not today, satan."

I don't know how long it will be until I encounter another moment where the answer will be, "that sounds like a good idea, satan", but for now i look forward to the next encounter where I say, "Not today". I intend to take it one day at a time and go from there. I have no rush. God is in charge and he is my strength.

People's Champion Continued

2012-01-03T11:14:00.002-05:00

So last night we were praying during the week of prayer and I was there for confession. It what I see as personally confessing corporate sin or praying and confessing corporate sin as if it were your own.

I wasn't sure how truthful it would be since I once realized that to be someone's high priest we have to identify as Christ is our high priest and comes from among the people (like every other high priest). He shares in our trials, temptations and battles then shares his victories with us.

This is what he does. He takes upon OUR trials, temptations and battles and gives us HIS victories. I never appreciated this as much as I have this week. I've asked for the trials and temptations and battles of people and now I confess the sins that even they do not confess as if they were mine. I battle not so as a distraction to the enemy, I battle so that I can overcome on their behalf and they will only need to accept that. This is what Christ did for us and I have asked for that.

Let's not just take on the battles but call upon the name of God in his power to overcome because they cannot or do not.

the people's champion

2011-12-30T10:03:00.002-05:00

so this is something that's been ringing in my mind the last couple days. the original context in contemporary culture is when Dwayne Johnson was still called, "The Rock" and he was the people's champion in what was once known as the WWF. (I'm sure you can wiki on your own without links if you don't already know what I'm talking about). So I was at a wedding and there was a game for couples and people called me (and by default, shirley) to play. After, "teaching some lessons", to the kids someone called out, "ENOCH!! The People's Champ!" *hold onto that thought*

Last night I was praying for two brothers of mine that are really struggling in their faith. As I was praying God told me what it meant to be the people's champ. It's not just the one that is chosen by the people, it's not just the one chosen from the people, he's the champion for the people. I prayed that God would set his hedge of protection around them and I am praying through so that they can grow in safe conditions and that I will deal with any problems they have, all the temptations and the selfishness and laziness that plague them, I will overcome. I don't know how it really works but I know it's appropriate for me to pray to do it. I'll let you know how that goes but it stems from the idea that I will fight your battles for you as Jesus did it for us. I will plead with God on your behalf and invoke God but also protect and serve you in obedience and love for God. The good shepherd.

O Christmas Tree

2011-12-18T23:45:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I think Christmas is a joke. The way it often is makes me feel like it's the biggest joke of the Christian calender. I was watching a skit about how the three wise men laid their gifts in front of baby Jesus in the manger. Jingle Bells was part of the singspiration. Lots of Christmas carols are sprinkled with inaccuracies.

The Christmas Tree should be the Cross. The presents should be in the offering bag, not for each other. Christmas gifts are an exchange and really just an indirect method of buying yourself a gift. I don't know many people that really need more stuff and who's actually better for having more. Others don't see it that way. I'll still get people stuff. I'm just kinda sad about how Christmas isn't really about giving gifts. Giving implies no return.

I really don't like Christmas the way it is. I don't see the significance. I guess it's another one of those moments where I reference Street Fighter the movie. For everyone else it's Christmas. For me it'll be sunday.

2011-12-14T08:49:00.002-05:00

With a couple weeks left to the week I assume there is lots still to learn but I think it would be appropriate to revisit the things I've learned and they aren't too different than what I consider good Christian ideas.

1) Don't feel anything about anything but understand that everyone else does.
2) Understand facts about everything, the stock, the company and the economy, then be led by the Spirit.

It's the two thoughts that try to balance out the mind and the heart and the appropriate place for both. Emotions aren't to make the decisions for us, but we have to know that it is likely the case for everyone else and factor that in. Even if we have all the information, that isn't supposed to make the decision for us either. We know that it should be God that guides us in what to do. We seek him and desire to please him.

there are so many facts to know and the more I know, the better I am for it but I don't want my competency to take over the role of my God. it's like everything else, it's about decision making. The right decisions lead to glorifying God. The wrong ones glorify satan. the money is almost entirely irrelevant at this point. I do know that this is something that I'm to pursue.

The market is a game and I'm a pro gamer :P OK, amateur gamer :P

Spell Breaker

2011-12-13T12:14:00.004-05:00

So one of the thoughts that's crossed my mind recently is, "what is my name?". The question is more of a spiritual name than the name I use regularly. The name that God has for me.

I've been watch WC3 vids and so Spell Breakers came to mind. If anyone knows anything about spell breakers they steal buffs and de-buffs depending on the situation. Last night I was listening to a prophesy about one of my friends and I laughed because I wanted to steal it for myself. All the things that was said about him was what I wanted God to say about me. Not that I'm going to steal his prophesy but I know that God can use me the same way as he plans on using him. We'll see. I'm not sure where to go with all this.

Just an interesting set of thoughts between the name, the character and the prophesy.

Can we afford it?

2011-12-09T08:55:00.002-05:00

It's all about the Benjamin's baby :D There are many ways to try to quantify how someone is doing with God and where they stand. The typical unit of measure is time. Do people show up to things? Do they read their Bible? Do they pray? Do they do devos? These are quite standard because it's a resource everyone has and can be addressed in a straight forward manner. It also makes comparison easy. What do you spend your time on is what you care about. If your time is God's then it's good. If it's your own then it's bad. It's pretty obvious in that aspect that my peers have begun to question that. They are beginning to see and share God as the master of your entire life. It's as Tim Hughes' song, "Everything", where he is the God of your waking and God of your sleeping. This is how God is God of our Time.

In our world we run off two resources though, Time and Money. It's been interesting to me because as far as my peers God, the dealing with money is a less structured idea. We enforce that God is the God of our time and we should be in tune with him on that, money seems to have a disconnect. When spending money the question is about budgeting and if we can afford something. If we can and not go into debt we consider that responsible. We know debt as a bad thing and the Bible only speaks of debt as a bad thing. I feel like it eludes us to consider what "good" is. Is good accumulating wealth for your children? Is it making sure we give God 10%? Is it making lots of money so that you can contribute to the various church things? I think it's a lot of things but in the conversations I've had it's not been about anything beyond being responsible.

I think it's something that our generation needs to deal more with than the past. In the prior generation the things outlined are what it was about. The people and kingdom were poor. The people seem to be richer now and I'm not sure about the kingdom being any richer. I know there are shortfalls.

I've mentioned the 3 rules of money (or time) in the past
1) Better to have more than have less
2) Better to have now than have later
3) Better for me to have the money than you to have it

If this were about souls
1) Better to save more than save less (quantity)
2) Better to save now than save later (urgency)
3) Better for me to save than you to save (ownership)

Investing in the Kingdom. I keep thinking about this. There is so much I see as possibilities. I remember thinking about the return I have received from the LORD for what little I've been able to give and I desire for more. Can we afford not to invest in this? If it's an expenditure we want to spend as little as possible but this is an investment. If we live like it's a sure thing, we'd borrow money to get in on it.

What does it cost?

2011-12-07T08:58:00.003-05:00

I often wonder how things are decided by people and I doubt I'm immune to taking the path of least resistance instead of actually taking a deep dive into these decisions. Even a rough Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA) would be fine but I think we often forgo the CBA and go for anecdotal or opinion based reasoning. I think in North America we get away with a lot of bad decisions because the impact to our lives is minimal. It doesn't cost us that much since we have so much as it is. Who cares if I accidentally spend $50-100 more on an item? I have lots more money where that came from, right?

I was talking to my dad today and we had our washing machine break down and he's looking to replace the washer and drier as they are both kinda old. Various reasons and not all of them are bad. Recently our IW had brought up how the C&MA has a shortfall in the GAF and how wages will be cut across the board despite their best efforts to continue to raise money. They actually run businesses and all the profits go towards the GAF. Our IW's are net positive in the GAF I think. I wonder what it feels like to know that you're basically working for free and paying towards others working and now are having that wage cut. They would actually be better off without the collective from a financial point of view. I met a pair of IW's that had a good business here in Canada and gave that up so do the IW thing. I wonder what the feels like when you know that while your wages are being cut, people are replacing both their washer and drier when only one of the two is broken. I don't wonder about how they feel sometimes because I have had that conversation with some of them and the sentiment was that it was hard not to be upset and the waste in North America. I wonder what i feels like to not have a Bible or to be starving because people in North America and pampering themselves. I wonder how I'm supposed to deal with this immediately and progressively.

I think it's hard for me to understand why this is. Why do people go on vacation? It's so hard to talk to people that buy things that are luxuries and I know they've worked hard for them but there is no godly reason to have it. I find it hard not to hate people today. I keep praying that this doesn't destroy me or the relationships around me but I think this year I'm done with a lot of things. I'm done with a lot of giving and getting gifts. I'm done with traveling. I'm done with stuff. I'm just so tired of stuff. So much of things are a waste.

I realize the cost of luxury is not giving up other things in my life but the cost of my luxury is a cost to the kingdom.

Meditations

2011-12-05T14:21:00.002-05:00

It's been a bit wild in my mind for a while now. I think the pace of a mind is an important indicator of how smart someone is. It’s important in all those crisis moments to see and react well to new situations, to be able to see clearly in the midst of confusion. I’ve been constantly facing new situations and new information everyday and often I’m unsure about what to do. Sometimes there are ways to cheat. Without being smart there are two things I’ve found that work pretty well as a substitute: Focus and Preparation.
How does a mind see so clearly and decipher huge batches of new information? One way is to ignore all irrelevant thoughts and focus on the important things. The ability to not be distracted is one way to streamline the mind. The other thing is to have seen the new situation before through preparation. The first time someone does something, it’s always hard but after dealing with it a few times there is less of a problem and a mind that sees these situations and deals with them beforehand mentally will be more prone to deal with them in real time.
This is where mediations come in. To mediate is to focus your mind and in our Christian context I consider it a form of communing. In communing with God we begin to not only see him but see what he sees and so we get the purging of the irrelevant and the embracing of the realities that God sees that prepares us for what we are to face.
I look forward to my next mediation that much more.

2011-12-02T08:11:00.002-05:00

This morning I was reading Hebrews 11 and my prayer is that I would be the vision that God sees.

I think we often get bogged down with being, "realistic", and I don't think that word actually comes up in the Bible. Faithful comes up and this is what the passage talks about. Believing what God says regardless of how unrealistic it is.

My prayer today is that I'll be him, the guy that God sees, not the guy that I am.

2011-11-22T10:52:00.002-05:00

Last night we talked about how God is Great and we are lowly. It's a very necessary idea to grasp and embrace. I say idea because they need to be together or else we become complacent or ashamed and that would be bad as well.

I like having God trample my dreams. I know there is something in my heart that I want to offer God and I don't quite understand what God wants to do with it. The desire is there. It's God motivated. I just know he's training me so there are crazy explorations going on right now. Trying to figure out what I want to do and who I am even. It's surprisingly hard to settle in on the issues.

There are insecurities, doubts and fears that cloud the subject and those things are part of the problem. Why be afraid? I know that God leads me and there is nothing but confidence in that. Being able to transcend the craziness. Accepting losses and trying to recover where possible. There are those moments when I look at the works of my hand and I think that it represents me in some way. That the failure of those things reflect upon me and that I've failed. The idea like that is sort of true and false at the same time. The fall of man is not a failure of God as a loving Father. In the same way, the failure of our creations is not a failure of us, regardless of how much we love or invest into those things.

I have a portfolio. I'm down as the market is pretty bad. I don't have much to say. I look at the numbers and they are bad. I know I've learned a lot about me and I know there have been a lot of challenges since starting. I think the first piece of advice I have for people is 1) learn everything you can so you know what you're doing and then a close second is 2) Don't invest right away. Test with simulations. You will see the irrational behaviour that you must deal with before getting into the market.

It's so hard to detach myself yet this is important. Love the things we do but not feel like it defines us. Christ defines us.

2011-11-18T14:26:00.003-05:00

so I've been in this position before but never this frustrating. So I roam Youtube and listen to whatever comes up. I heard a song once upon a time and I liked it. Flash foward a few months. I hear the song again but totally forget who sings the song and what the name of the song is. I only know how it sounds but none of the words are in english. I've spend the last 3 days sampling every korean song I could find to try to figure out what it was. lol~ finally found it.

enjoy~

new style of play: understanding the selfish

2011-11-14T11:44:00.002-05:00

i have a new thing in settlers. I move the robber so that nobody is affected by the robber. If that isn't possible I just move him into the desert. I do this to take upon a self imposed meekness. i know i can win by being mean but the question is now, how can I give up the strength things in a game and still win when everyone else is being strong.

I've noticed something. The last two games I've played, I've had the largest army both times. Why is that? it's not because nobody has soldier/knight cards. it's because nobody needs to use their cards anymore since the robber doesn't affect them. in my meekness I've allowed their evil to surface and consume itself. since everyone is selfish they don't move it from where it is. The only reason to move is off yours onto someone else's. They keep saving and saving and then eventually I take largest army. What a silly outcome.

Shards of Defying Gravity

2011-11-09T08:55:00.004-05:00

So I thought this was a nice song. It's intuitive yet problematic and so I think context is probably important, as always. I had some thought shards I wanted to share.

I feel like this song is about someone that is tired of conforming and being held back from being who they are meant to be. A person that's held back from true freedom.

"Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love. I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity"

I think the context is the witch is held back by the Wizard and she's coming to terms with who she is and she's just going to go for it.

I think we intuitively want that freedom and from the secular perspective, freedom is doing whatever you want. The defying gravity is less about flying and more about defying authority. In this song, the need for self discovery trumps love. I've seen movies recently where the protagonist chooses freedom over love or chooses self love over shared love in the form of relationships.

Is this what we're becoming? We'd rather be happy by ourselves than happy with other people? Are people just holding us back from our dreams?

A friend mentioned how, even though he's getting married he doesn't want us to think that he's not one of the guys. Getting married changes everything. You aren't one of the guys. One of the guys means he doesn't have to think about anyone else. This is why guys are guys and married men are married men.

Finances and Drugs

2011-11-08T09:17:00.003-05:00

So I'm periodically interested in the secular opinion of Christians or religiosity. One popular opinion is that religious people are deluded and weak. They see something that isn't really there. But then the assumption is that the irreligious are the ones that see clearly, but what if they are the ones that don't see what is there or that they are blind.

This is the impasse we find ourselves in. They think we're crazy and we think their blind. How do we reconcile?

I just heard about our harm reduction program in TO that distributes clean needles and provides safe places for drug users. As most people should know, I generally don't follow news that isn't directly related to business. Unfortunately for me, those crafty news stations :P mix those things together and got me to listen to some stuff about drugs and how cities are reducing the harm of drug using but providing safe methods to do drugs and safe places.

I instinctively dislike the idea of helping people that make poor decisions. I instinctively want to let those people die and proactively attack the issues of greed and illegal activity. Instinctively want to deny these people medical help when they contract diseases. It's nice that I recognize that and how unchristian it is. It's nice that more than half my men's group is in the medical care sector :P

It goes back to the financial mentality of who bails out who. This is both emotional and physical and I get that more now. There is the asian in me that hates them for hating themselves and being stupid. But then, that's not the way it works. It's also disappointment in the government and the system that is powerless to help these people. Then I am reminded of the Jesus that they all need and there is nothing they can do to save themselves without him. We'll see how this all goes. I know Jesus cares also about these people.

Failure and Success

2011-11-01T10:23:00.002-04:00

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.”
― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

So Sam brought this up last night. I thought it was a good point to make at the time. At a casual glance we can see that it makes logical sense. It's the idea of important and unimportant things that take up our time. I do like Francis for that. He attempts to challenge our current social norms. I feel like we can be friends even though I know so little about him. I generally tend to dislike the modern guys but He's not one of them.

The question now is, what is important and what doesn't matter? By extension, are their things that matter to God and what doesn't? (as our emphasis should always be about God's perspective and not some utilitarian or humanitarian measure :P)

I guess that's the part that usually concerns me. I know that there are a lot of "meaningless" things we participate in and yet I know them to be meaningful. Playing games is often one of the things. Why play when you can be doing something more significant like, praying or reading the Bible or whatever other pious activity your consciousness requires you to do as a proper Christian. What makes prayer any more worthwhile than playing Starcraft 2? Doesn't God speak in various ways and forms? It's as if the time spent outside the usual spiritual exercises are wasting time. I doubt Francis is saying that the Spiritual Disciplines are what people need. It's more a matter of that lack of those things will always be obvious. The real challenge for us is to beyond those things and live a life aligned with the Gospel.

Being filled with the Spirit and moving accordingly is what is required because only that reflects a constant, unceasing communication/communion with the Living God. That would be success. Everything else is failure.

Perfect or Imperfect

2011-10-28T13:57:00.002-04:00

So I've been talking to a friend of mine about the economic issues in Greece and when asked about how he would deal with angry protesters he said this,

"In a perfect world, we wouldn't even have this problem in the first place. However, as our world definitely is not perfect, the solution to this problem isn't perfect either. It should be the solution that has the least damage..."

I thought it was interesting and worth some analysis. The problem with protesters is that they didn't want the government to reduce spending. In a perfect world people would be doing everything fine and government spending would be based on what is best for the country and going into debt is generally a bad idea, but we find that year over year, decade over decade, that we're not working through our debt issues. In a perfect world we wouldn't be in this position. I can see the merit in that. What then happens when the world isn't perfect?

What happens is depicted in a joke I read yesterday in the Globe. "A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese man go into a bar and order a drink. Who picks up the bill? A German." I thought it was funny. Anyway, I think this is how it works in an imperfect world. When people are too stupid or too selfish to do anything that's going to help the situation, someone else fixes it. I think this is the only way it can be. The people that didn't screw themselves over come in and deal with the fact that someone else has not been diligent and disciplined.

This is the perfect helping the imperfect, so to speak. Sound familiar? I hope so. The commonality is Jesus. The imperfect can only be saved by the perfect. The imperfect can only deal with so much. Humans always need a bailout package, that is the blood of Christ. The ransom. The price paid by Christ to save us from the result of our sin, that is the wrath of God.

There is much more to dwell on but I choose to end it here. The salvation and the sanctification are given to us. Let's not drag it into our own imperfection by earning it. We simply live a life that reflects the perfection that has been restored.

True Love Waits

2011-10-13T11:07:00.002-04:00

I was just roaming FB and found a cover of a great song. I noticed the account name is truelovewaits07. Here's the song for all your viewing and listening pleasure.

I don't think love is meant to wait. God's love seeks. It saves. It pursues. It tracks. It hunts. It overcomes. It fights. It watches. It plans. Waiting though... I'm not sure if It really waits. It is patient but I'm not sure if waiting is the right word. Love magnifies. Love intensifies emotions. The agonizes. Fire doesn't wait :D

***

Ever wonder about why it is that certain people tend to attract the wrong type of people? I mean, have you ever seen a girl that seems to be a loser magnet? Ever see a guy attract girls that just use them? There is something about that which bothers me. It bothers me because on the one hand, it's a messed up world out there and there are lots of crazies but it also makes me wonder, is there something wrong with that girl that losers keep gravitating towards her or that guy where he's asking to be "abused"? It got me thinking about churches. The Church is the bride so on some level the local church is courting potential suitors, the congregants (staff included). Sometimes I wonder, why does a church churn out hypocrites and religious folks and not actual Christians? I used to think it was a pastor thing. Then I thought about how hard it is for 1 person to change it all. Then I realized something else, it's not one or the other. A church that seeks God will not keep a pastor that doesn't love God. A pastor without God's direction won't stay at a church where God is moving the people because they will not be aligned. The congregation will be able to tell :P

Anyway, if your pastor sucks, maybe you're a loser magnet :P If you're congregation sucks then why do you think you're there? :P

the gospel

2011-10-12T00:41:00.002-04:00

so it's recently occurred to me one of the problems with the gospel is that what we present is not the gospel. what a ridiculous problem that has been found. what i mean is the notion that Jesus died so you could go to heaven and spend eternity there. If that is the gospel that it is not good news. It's horrible news because Jesus never rose so that you could have life now and life abundant and life everlasting.

PT was talking about how the slaves in america used to sing hymns that really, was about waiting for death so they could be done with their slavery. That is, the slavery was temporary pain that would end in eternal joy. How sad. painful toil and beatings where the only end is the sweet embrace of death and eternity. This is how we're supposed to live. we are slaves waiting for death but if we think eternity is the goal then we miss everything in between. who came up with this weak notion that Jesus died so we could go to heaven? No, he died so we can live, NOW and forever more in the presence of God. The good new of heaven isn't good news unless it's also the good news of a present life that leads us to a future hope. Otherwise, the only logical course of action is to die after acceptance.

the redemption of God is not so weak that it fails to rescue us from our current situation. we need not wait. the life of Faith is for now. The life of Hope is now. The life of Love is now, and later as well. We will not need Faith and Hope in eternity, but that's why we have and need it now. We need it because we live transcendent of the death and decay and sin and horror and see what God sees, his kingdom and servants approaching and Zion materializing as we live out our lives in obedience in this life.

The Gospel, the redemption from sin, the fall of man to the glorification of man, through the death and resurrection of Christ, the abundant life from now to eternity. The good news for us is not a prediction of things to come (though it is in part) but the news is a report of the things already done and for us to know and live in.

2011-10-07T09:40:00.002-04:00

so I went 5 straight wins and then I lost a few in a row. I'm really excited to watch the reply. After checking the stats after I know that I lost all those games. I gotta work on that. I have to tech to tier 3 eventually but I'm still holding out on that. someone held off the 4 gate and I transitioned. it was bumpy and I really don't get the entire army positioning aspect. i think i'm going to work on that instead of supply cap but we'll see. I am boosting and spending pretty well. I do get flustered when I'm trying to build stuff and I know I only have 20-30 game seconds before I have to warp in the next round. It sounds like a long time and it should feel that way, but it doesn't.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about stuff. OH well. I think the challenge is going to be staying in control during the game. I get so flustered.

4 gate pressure

2011-10-06T17:19:00.003-04:00

So I've gone back to the basics. 4 gate. my original goal was to spend all my money constantly. Now my new goal is to chronoboost and still keep my money low. with the 4 gate it's definitely easier to do this. my opponents don't usually have too much production and by putting pressure earlier and the power of chronoboost it's pretty clear why this works and especially on maps where there is wide ramps into main bases. I'm getting better at mirco-ing the little things but my next goal after spending money and chronoboosting will likely be to not get supply blocked during a fight and keep making probes.

we'll see.

civil war

2011-10-03T13:57:00.003-04:00

Gotta love the Guns and Roses. This is one of my favourite songs and for good reason. It's funny because shirley commented on this song last night. She never really heard the words even though this song plays in our car a lot.

Sometimes I feel like this is just as true in the church as it is in the rest of the world. On a side note, the Americans are talking about passing a bill that would lead to international financial conflict between them and china. man, i hope Obama veto's that. Some comments i saw in the globe and mail were so ignorant. People were talking about how China is bluffing and how americans would come out on top. Aside from that being silly considering the strength of China's economy, nobody wins in a war. That's sorta what the song is about. everyone's fighting to the promised land and the ones that benefit are the rich and it's the poor that bleed for it.

In the church it's the same. it's not about who's going to be doing better or worse, it's about the people it affects. Sometimes we lose focus about why we're doing it all. We just do what we want and forget the kingdom perspective.

we're silly like that sometimes.

2011-09-27T22:23:00.003-04:00

so I've officially been placed in platinum. First official game I got beat by DT's. Actually, the guy tried to cannon rush me. I was pretty sure I was ahead. pushed to his base and saw the most annoying thing, a very common thing at my level. A wall of cannons. I did the reasonable thing. I expanded and camped his front. I realized that after the cannon rush, something else cheesy was coming, probably DTs. I built a cannon and an observer... except I was supply blocked and only 1 cannon doesn't make me safe. I wasn't safe enough. I gotta get that robo up sooner. I was thinking I should but wavered. At this level the obs is really important. It's good to lose though. Keep me looking at the game. It was good that my instincts were correct, just slow. I gotta press the front more often. I am still very passive as the game has me pensive. it's funny to be like that but it is unfamiliar still. Just gotta remember, the cheese is all part of the game :D

I think i can smile now. I haven't used DTs or Colossus or any air units. I'm still refining the 3 gate + something type builds. Very basic and still, it's a beautiful thing I'm still discovering. I gotta be more aggressive though.

Ladder

2011-09-27T11:24:00.002-04:00

So I've started playing my ladder placement matches. The first one I played and I was pretty disappointed. The first reason is because I didn't know the map at all so it was a bit hard. I also didn't know what to do so that was really hard. I think over the last few weeks of training against computers at the "very hard" level is that there is nothing to be worried about when playing against people. The last 2 guys that I just played were really gimmicky. It really confirmed something that I've learned in theory. If you scout you come across some information, either this guy is good and these 2-5 possibilities exist or he's horrible and it could be any number or ridiculous things. However, a solid build will generally crush all unreasonable builds. One guy went 1 base mass speed reapers off 1 racks. I crushed that with 3gate, robo. When his reapers came into my base, I warped in stalkers to deal with it while sending in my army. The rationalization is that if he has his reapers in my base then his base won't be well defended. It wasn't and then GG.

There is so much to it. When doing economic damage make sure you can capitalize on it. The benefit of killing workers is realized minutes down the road. My army was knocking on his front door and that's why gimmicks don't work all the time. I should have attacked earlier but I already made sure he wasn't going to expand while I already had. Those are the truths i've learned to put into practice.

1) Know what your enemy is doing
2) Solid play will beat gimmicks in the long run
3) Understand how to deal damage and how to capitalize on the damage dealt
4) We need to transcend the emotions

so...
1) understand what satan is up to
2) beating him involves the solid things of the Spirit including prayer and study
3) Understand how to capitalize and continue to grow
4) It's not about how you feel, it's about moving forward with God

Who Owes Who

2011-09-23T11:41:00.002-04:00

I've recently had a run in with God. Had some real and personal conversations and he showed me something in me that I didn't really notice. Sometimes we make assumptions. I made an assumption once upon a time, when I was a new Christian, that as long as I decided to be free from sin, God would make it happen. I would only need to decide and he'd do all the work. It's pretty true for the most part. He does do all the work. He often does it right away because he's loving. And then it became an assumption. I took it as granted because God is reliable like that. I realize that after a while i felt like he owed it to me. "Look God, I'm doing my part, now do your part!" I guess I felt like there was a bit of, "No, I'm not doing it for you" and a bit of, "I am doing my part" and it was clear his owed me nothing and loved me enough to let me struggle more. He let me push more through the last rep. I think today is a good day. I will be able to be more of a man today than I was before. I owe him for reminding me that he doesn't owe me anything. The servant is back in his place.

what a wonderful day.

Saddest Movie Ever

2011-09-19T11:07:00.002-04:00

Yes, there are probably spoilers here but to be honest, if you watch any film you will be able too see things coming based on the flow of the movie. All endings have to feel natural. At least that's what I think.

Anyway, I saw "The Wrestler" over the weekend. Saddest thing ever, at least that's what I thought. It's about a guy that spent the better part of his life as a professional wrestler (like WWE) and through the movie, as he's getting older, tries to make sense of it all. The struggle is so sad for me. It's sad because he spends his entire life on something which is fake and the reality is a shambles.

As humans, this is what we're able to do. Forsake one thing and completely commit to another. We can either commit to reality and forsake fantasy or in this guys case, forsake reality and commit to fantasy. Sometimes we choose which one is real, but as a Christian, our eyes are open to what is real and what is not and we can forsake all to follow reality. We can turn on backs on all the comforts and I can understand why he does what he does, but it's sad because he picked wrong. He picked what he wanted but he didn't pick what was reality. I should be happy that he realized that he could only be happy as The Ram but I couldn't be happy because he choose death instead of life. I let people choose that but I can't be happy for them. I think one day, when we're old and looking back we'll realize that there were a lot of choices we made and sacrifices for various reasons, but I'd like to think that we chose God.

Here is the ending song for the movie. It's really good but for me I can't help but be sad for humans.

2011-09-12T18:35:00.003-04:00

update from the previous blog. So... last night I checked the Nikkei and damn, it was an ugly trading session. by 10pm EST it was down 2% and by close it was down 2.31% and that means what? It means a bad day for us. So it took that information and unloaded a few stocks and ran some numbers. Bottom line for today is that if I did nothing I would lose $100 instead I lost $50 with a strong potential upside tomorrow for reasons safer than waiting for the economy to balance out. Yay for dividends? I feel like I'm learning. Right now I'm technically down about 5% since I started which is less than the ~10% the market is down. I know I made a few n00b trades in there so I can't say much. I am learning and growing for now.

2011-09-09T14:17:00.003-04:00

mitigating losses and using good information.

I don't think i do that very well sometimes. Sometimes I'm just irrationally unrealistic. I knew that today would be a bad day in the market and I didn't do anything about it. In all honest, I didn't think it would be this bad but sometimes I think I'm being irrationally optimistic. Why not make a small gain instead of a big loss? Why not take a small loss instead of a big loss? I'm not stressing but it's not rational the things I'm doing and it's really forcing me to take a hard look at who i am and why I act the way I do. I know there are some deep seated psychological issues, not wanting to admit I'm wrong or worse hurting the financial well being of the family. In reality, having cashed in the money I have, I've already made more than the interest that I would get in bank and the rest of it just has to break even and I'll be streets ahead. I don't want that though. I want more and that feeling is something I'm trying to face and deal with. This is a bad time in the economy and the longer I can stay profitable the more profitable I will be. I think the hard part is being able to face small losses and small gains and being able to accept losses when I know there could be much worse.

eh man?

2011-09-01T10:57:00.003-04:00

So I was chatting with God about stocks and I said, "You know, it's probably better when I don't worry about it, eh man?" Did you notice it? I said, "eh man" or "amen" at the end of my seemingly random sentence. Maybe it's something that God slipped into our contemporary culture to remind us of him. Maybe i'm just a weirdo that speaks strangely. Maybe I am better off not playing with stocks :P There are a lot of maybe's but one thing I do know is that it makes me happy to talk to God. I'm sure that lunch time will be relaxing in that way.

2011 summer camp

2011-08-29T14:27:00.003-04:00

It's been an interesting few days. I think sometimes I don't prepare things and this weekend was my turn to let others relax and do whatever. I think I really got the perspective of Martha. Not to say I was doing something that resembled puttering. If anything, that actions I took were left to me because others didn't want to. They knew it was necessary to be done and they didn't do it. It doesn't make it any less frustrating though. I know the reality is that I see them really enjoying something and I don't have the heart to take it away from them. It was something good and I love for them to have the good things. This is why it was important for me to do it. As much as I wanted to hang out with Will, it was clear that they wanted to even more than I did. We can all do it and I love gabe and adrienne and I want them to have that. Why take away from them the better thing?

I guess that's the revelation for me. In inviting Jesus over for dinner there is a need for dinner. I used to think Martha was just missing the point of having Jesus over for dinner. It seemed that she missed the hanging out with Jesus and only had the labouring for Jesus. This weekend and through various instances of helping at weddings I realize that missing the wedding is a sacrifice that many people accept because they love the bride/groom and therefore love the people the bride/groom love.

I think it's important as a leader to do things that need to get done. It think it's important sometimes as a leader to do things so that your subordinates don't have it. The dirty jobs and the thankless jobs are the specific types of work that I find that a leader does do and ends up doing and has to do. It's why servant leaders are so inspiring. Even without the direct understanding of why, their subordinates feel empowered and worth something because they are allowed to do their work without being bogged down with the garbage. Granted all jobs have that, it's particularly inspiring to see your boss do even more of those things because he cares and not because he's a mirco-manager.

I think it's why God lets me have a good relationship with the kids even though I'm pretty mean to them. It's because they know my role. I'm the guy that's here to teach them and so when things aren't as much fun they know we can have a good relationship. Sometimes I think that's why my approval and beating me is a kind of a big deal. I'm so hard on people in general that when people realize that I'm proud of them it's a surprisingly good thing.

Anyway, a hard weekend but it was good.

the bigger picture

2011-07-29T10:16:00.002-04:00

so this is a tense week for me. it's a funny thing for me because I know that i brought it upon myself. This week has been really tense for a lot of people and to be honest, if it hasn't been tense then people are crazy. The ramifications of the next fews days is actually really big. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the only part of the news I care about and trust. The business news. For the people that don't know, the American government have to make some pretty big decisions in the next few days. If the Americans default on their loan and has their credit rating down graded then I think everyone is screwed. Apparently some politics come into play as Obama probably won't want to raise the debt ceiling just before the election. I think he'll do the right thing regardless of the political posturing but he's only a man. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway, Greece is already in a lot of trouble and if the americans can't raise they debt ceiling then defaults then their economy will continue to dive like is has been in the last week. Investor confidence is fagile. Everyone is apparently moving outta stocks and safe stuff like gold and I'm sitting here wondering why we find ourselves in these positions. Crazy investing practices really screwed things up the first time and government intervention hasn't helped it. So now what? I look outside and I wonder about that. How is it that even though nothing if the physical world changes, we know so much is different and actually, in dire straits. It kills me just thinking about it. It kills me more because this is the story of humanity. Many people are blissfully unaware that such things are going on in the background. I'm learning huge lessons about greed :P There are so many thoughts about how nothing on the outside looks different, there are no tanks on the ground or natural disasters but if things get worse for the americans, I see it as even more devastating that a tsunami in Japan. I'm not sure what the exact costs are but to have the american credit rating dropped not only costs in direct costs (I guess borrowing and interest) but also companies are screwed in terms of lower profits and revenues due to the economic downturn and then it all goes down the crapper from there. There are still lots of jerks that are making money off this but I just wanted to point out the issues for now.

It's weird that I never really cared but today, I do. I think I really want to see more than I have been. Investing really gives me a global perspective because everyone is involved. I think this will really change the way I look at the world.

weekend moments.

2011-07-25T09:31:00.003-04:00

This weekend was full of moments. I've come to appreciate those moments and try to capture them into words... even though nobody cares I think I need to share it. It's the way it is with the gospel. We are excited so we capture the moments and share them. As we become in tune with something, even the most subtle things are amazing to us. It's only when we become in tune that we notice the subtle things and at high level play is when those subtle things even matter. It's like listening to my pastors speak on Luke 5. It's only because I am in tune with God that I see the other subtle things that they didn't talk about. No more comments will be made on that though you can see how sneakily things we care about get into what we're trying to talk about, and that is my weekend :D

Anyway, I think one of the kids I really appreciated hearing from and always do is Andrew. he's a grade 9 that I feel like I will spend more time with. Iunno, he said I have a strong throw. It was a big compliment to me because shirley tells me my throw is weak comparatively. I think it's just the people that Andrew plays with but it's nice. It was nice to play 3rd and have Andrew at first and bail me out big time with a really hard catch. I really miss that. I really miss having a first base that could bail me out. The throw is hard enough as it is and having to worry about the catch really messes me up. I could feel it happening when David Wu went up to bat the first time. I was thinking really hard. I made the play and that was fine but I could tell there was hesitation in my heart. I'm happy to get him out. Bryan is really fast. I rarely ever have an issue getting to a ball and gunning someone down. No error on the play, just a really fast runner and a slow moving ball. That was impressive. I see some of these kids and I'm really impressed. Enoch... man, knowing that there is an enoch out there that is better than me is interesting to see. It's why I'm with him I guess. At least to make sure he is going to surpass me and soon :P And watching him own Alex is always awesome. Much prayers will be initiated on his behalf for that. It's interesting how Dan and Justin were people I was trying to be intentional with at Wuju's beach thing and it's because I know them least while I feel like it is necessary on my part. I do make it my personal business to be personal. It was nice to walk to Marathon with Jon and chat in the morning. It's funny for me how special these relationship are to me. There are definitely people that matter more to me and these are just a few I wanted to mention. they really made my weekend worthwhile. sometimes I wonder what God plans on doing with these things and by being intentional we see that God has taken a worthless thing and made it something clearly worthwhile.

trampoline

2011-07-12T22:42:00.003-04:00

life is a big trampoline... lol~ I'm just saying that because I went trampolining with a friend tonight. It was an interesting experience for me since i've never been. the funny thing i learned is that the trampoline does the majority of the work for the basic moves and the major issue is just learning to let go. i felt myself hesitate and the flop around. it's the only thing that can happen when you hesitate on a trampoline. it's like God. The more you hesitate, the harder it is. I just had to let go and instead of thinking of how high my feet were coming off the trampoline when jumping or bouncing i should be thinking of just getting the momentum so that the move will work. it's our insecurities and fears and natural instincts (like the instinct to catch yourself when you fall) that we got to turn off and know that in this situation, those normal things are wrong and the trampoline is right.

easing up

2011-07-08T11:56:00.003-04:00

So I've noticed something with my batting yesterday. In the last few weeks I've been easing up on my hits for some extra control but when I ease up on the swing I notice that everything eased with it, especially my wrists. This really hindered my transfer of power in swinging over the last few games/at bats. I should be hitting harder than I have been and it's not the swinging, it's my wrists and my desire. I feel like I'm not able to go all out and I think it's function of me thinking too much about what goes wrong when I don't hit right and not thinking enough about how to hit hard. Don’t get me wrong, I think swinging for the fences every time is a bad idea but I need to think about hitting the ball to the right spots and hitting it hard to make sure it doesn’t get caught. Sometimes I focus so hard on hitting the ball that I forget where I want the ball to go. Sometimes I focus so hard on where I want to sent the ball that I pop up because I’m not following the ball. Sometimes I’m doing both and neither gets done where I stop tracking the ball at the last moment and then swing really hard and hope for the best. It’s hard for me because I don’t expect the pitcher to be able to get the ball into the place I want it and if anything it’s crazy they are on my team to begin with. Anyway, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about, it’s a next level thing I guess. It’s not about making contact. It’s not about hitting any pitch. It’s not about hitting hard. It’s not about placing the ball, it’s about making any pitch work so I can hit the ball hard and into the place I want with no risk. Risk only exists because I haven’t practiced enough. My heart only wavers because I haven’t practiced enough. These are some of the simple realities of my softball world. Most of this game is played in my head... like most of the games I play in general. I am who I am :D

it's not you, it's the glove.

2011-06-28T10:02:00.003-04:00

So there is something I tell my softball team a lot, "It's not you, it's the glove/bat." Shirley prompted me to write a blog about this and I've had various thoughts on the topic.

I realize it's a very common problem in the world of casual softball. Softball items are pretty expensive IMO and there are a lot of really cheap alternatives (ie free glove from a friend that doesn't play anymore) so people go with that. Why spend money on something when you can get free, right?

This is the issue is that people don't realize the necessity of the right equipment or they value the wrong things in the equipment, paired with the unwillingness to pay the price to get the right equipment.

I've met a lot of new players that are unable to catch the ball. I give them my glove and they catch just fine. It was like that when I borrowed Ben Chu's glove on my first day. I was vacuuming up every ball that came my way. I was scooping every one hopper up. I never understood it before, but i realized that the right glove does all the work. Bats are the same way. Shirley's new bat is a huge asset to her ability to swing and swing through with control and power. I will have to record her new swing and how different it is.

Likewise, it is not the person or their ability so much as the equipment they use. It's not a skill thing so much, it's mostly the equipment. Imagine a person using a boxing glove instead of a baseball glove and it becomes clear what my point is.

This is true of the armor of God as well. It's not that there is a problem with your heart as a Christian, we all want to be good Christians. The reason we get destroyed in battle is because we don't have the right sword (religousness vs Truth), shield (human advice or the promptings of the Holy Spirit) or breastplate (the right actions or the right relationship). If we don't know the Word then we have nothing to believe and be faithful in and that leads us to inaction so we cannot rest in righteousness because we are busy doing the various actions we're told without resting in our relationship with the Lord.

Without the right tools how do we expect to be able to pray and overcome? Our failing is not our heart for God, it's the failure to be equipped. It is ultimately a lack of willingness to pay the price for the right equipment and settling for free equipment. Instead of reading the Bible I'll just wait for sunday's sermon. Instead of waiting and listening to the Spirit we take up human advice. It's just the difference between taking the easy way or the right way.

Wrestle through the Word. Meditate upon the Word. Allow the Spirit to live the Word out in you.

2011-06-24T17:30:00.002-04:00

So I was playing ball for the first time in a while. My mom hates it because I get hurt "all the time" and this time she is right. I got a concussion this time. I can't say I'm happy with the situation and how it unfolded. Concussions certainly aren't common in basketball and the way it happened isn't really how the game is supposed to be played either.

I ironically i'm more aware of certain things through this.

1) Illegal things that people don't know are wrong
2) Illegal things that people don't know they do
3) Things that shouldn't be done even though they can be

I think overall its a tough night. I feel bad when I see someone doing something that's a clear violation to me that I realize they don't know they are doing. They are playing bad defense. They are pushing and using they body in a way that's not allowed. It's stuff that happens all the time because of ignorance. It's hard to swallow and it's important to teach them but doing it right is important. The goal is to educate and like many things, how a person plays basketball is a tough thing to comment on without offending them.

then there are the things that they know are wrong but don't realize they do. I know I didn't realize this until ronald pointed it out to me, but people move their pivot before they dribble the ball. Technically a travel. Then there is the instance of my concussion. The offensive player knows he has to avoid me. Didn't happen. Running through is not ok. The guy defending him was more like the above, doing something illegal and didn't know that he was blocking the offensive player. Iunno... it's the story of our lives in a way. The things we know people should do but in the moment, we don't realize that it's our turn to do it.

This wasn't all over the place but there were some things that I know everyone gets away with and some things that were just rude. I really don't want to be one of those guys.

Anyway, I doubt I'll be playing ball for a while or ever at SCAC again. kinda sad for me but this is the end of that chapter.

Extended Vanity - What matters more?

2011-06-21T10:18:00.003-04:00

So I bought a bat for my wife. I think there is a sense of pride that comes with my wife being good at softball. The noble side of me tells me that I care because I know my wife likes to be good at stuff and it also tells me she is proud and would be afraid to commit to something in feat that it's not some external reason for her failure, but internal. I want people to accurately believe that there is more in them than they currently know. It's a factor of being able to see clearly through the insecurities and fears and using training and practice to overcome surface level inadequacies.

There is another motivation. It's simply an extension of my own vanity. I like me to be good and so I want her to be good so I can be proud of men through her success :P I think it's every parent's fear, living vicariously through their own children :P

Anyway, at first when I was telling shirley I was going to buy her a glove (back in the day) she picked a really cheap glove. Regardless of why she chose it, it was a piece of crap and it ended up hurting her and she spiraled downwards in game play. Not because she couldn't catch but the lack of padding really screwed up her ability to catch. She then bought a really nice glove. She's much better at catching now. Both the skill and the equipment are lined up. She isn't held back by her equipment and she can make good use of the equipment.

This year we bought her cleats. She's a good runner to begin with but she didn't want to spend the money. I think it's money well spent when playing softball.

Over the weekend we talked about buying a bat. She didn't see the point. "I can use the 26oz bat just fine". A video of her batting will show her otherwise. The load is laboured and her swing dips as she comes around. The bat is heavy for her. She has a level swing but the weight of the bat causes her to swing through at a too low for her to combine her upper body strength properly with her lower body. She is able to use her lower body, she is able to rotate and is able to get a level swing, she is unable to use any of her upper body to follow through and direct the force of the swing. She swung yesterday with the 23oz bat and I was afraid that the bat would fly out of her hand (and into my car) as she swung a few in our front yard. She could feel and I could see the obvious difference in her batting. The force behind it was completely different.

Sometimes the question of, "what matters more?" comes up. What matters more, the player or the bat? I good player can blast balls with any bat, and a good bat can improve each hit no matter who the batter is. I tell a lot of the newbs on the team that the issues the face of equipment issues. The glove they use is often not formed and someone's old glove. The bats are the same way. If I can spend a few dollars and make all the equipment issues go away so my team can see how good they really are, I would be a happy man.

It's like this in life. There are a lot of internal issues for people. People believe something about themselves because they believe they are in control. Then we start ti give them the tools they personally need and it changes everything. Suddenly they realize that they can do it. Suddenly they realize that things are possible. Suddenly, the believe the truth and not the lies.

The lie for these girls is that they are weaker and therefore they will not be able to hit as far or make it on base unless there is an error or it's fielder's choice. I doubt that will be the case this weekend. I know they will be able to rip holes through the infield. I know respect, if not fear will cross the minds of the fielders.

Getting Huge

2011-06-17T12:36:00.003-04:00

I was part of a conversation that I thought was pretty funny. We were talking about exercise and someone mentioned how they want to work out but, "i don't want to get huge", or something to that affect was the issue.

Getting huge... it's a funny idea for me since I've been going to the gym for a while now. I love going and it's fun for me but I'm not huge. I'm still slimming down and it's been like 6 months. It's not that I haven't been trying to gain some lean muscle and it's not like I'm not eating enough. It's just that what I am is not huge. I don't think people realize how much work it is to get huge. I'm not complaining about results but getting huge is the least of my concerns. It's like this with a lot of thing in life.

People see various things in life and they decide that they don't want that so they don't pursue. It makes sense until you realize that they see isn't what they have to have. They can have any number of things in between. Working out is a very personal thing and it can accomplish any number of goals and going to the gym a few times will show you that many body image/strength objectives are being met by the single action of going to the gym. I don't want to be huge but it won't stop me from being strong and visually appealing :P Some guys want to be huge so they get huge. Some people want to slim down and be lean. It's just too bad that all the benefits of exercising of discarded based on "getting huge" or some other equally preposterous thing.

I like where this is going, this fitness thing. I like knowing that I'm training my body to be stronger and better than it used to be. I believe it's part of what we were meant for.

No Play

2011-06-13T11:07:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I heard the peculiar words of, "No Play". I'm trying to recall all the feelings of the moment. I'm cutting off and I'm pretty sure the running is going home. As I turn to gun home I hear it, "No play!". I ease up and check the other bases to find out where the batter is to hold them. Then I see the runner crossing the commitment line and realize had I not hesitated and thrown on the money, the runner could have been out. I know the batter is held at first but we could have had the out and at worst, let the runner advance to third (assuming we're not paying attention and the runner is). So I wonder to myself, why was the, "No play", called? It's interesting because there is are perfectly good reasons for it.

1) There is a decent chance the throw will not be on the money
2) There is a chance that the catcher might not be able to catch the ball anyway
3) There is a good chance the runner will now get extra bases
4) There is a good chance the extra base will turn into another run later in the same inning.

So why would we throw home? As the short stop it's because...

1) I miss 100% of the throws I don't believe we can make and don't make.
2) The catcher miss 100% of the catches I don't throw
3) So what if they get extra bases, they aren't going home because the ball is there.
4) Because the defense's job is to stop scoring, not base running and we must believe we can do our jobs.

Ideal as the reasoning is, the team doesn't get better by not trusting each other. If we don't play assuming we'll make every play then we'll never be able to make every play. There is a fine line between faithful and foolish and this is the issue. Playing within your physical limits is one thing, but knowing your limits and pushing through them is a different thing entirely. The bottom line for this is that high expectations and proper support is how God brings us from infinitely sinful to sons and daughters and if it's what we do in our spiritual life I also know it works in softball.

talent and skills

2011-06-10T15:55:00.004-04:00

I guess you can compare and contrast. I always find the interesting thing on youtube are the comments left behind. It's funny that people like to say one is better than the other when they are apples and oranges. Both good in different ways.

It's interesting to me simply for the fact that when I watched the Sung Bong Choi sing I wanted to hear it again. With Il Divo I didn't. I think that's what it comes down to for me. It's not about skills for me, it's about connecting. I can't say I've ever really liked Il Divo's work. Dunno why~

I guess this gets back to something that's closer to home, God :D This is why I don't care about what we do, it's the heart behind it all that allows us to connect as spiritual beings. All the skill and talent doesn't matter when there is no heart and Spirit. The Spirit makes the skills relevant and it's never the other way around. Just something easy for a Friday post. And I always love the look the middle judge has on her face. It's like her mind is trying to understand something incomprehensible~ :P Love overshadows it all.

2011-06-03T23:30:00.002-04:00

so it's been a good work week. I call it a work week simply to delineate the time frame, it's not really in reference to how much work was accomplished :P

Anyway, i'm sitting here and i'm being reminded how much God loves me. I'm reminded about how great God is. The Holy One of Zion is great and among us.

It's days like today that i remember why it's so hard to describe things to people that haven't met God and why it's so refreshing when I meet someone that does.

There are so many ways I know I fall short and I am bumbled to be in the presence of God who's mighty hand is at work before me. I can feel my soul calling out right now and it reminds me how loud my own heart has been these days and how God has spent the entire week shutting it down and quieting my heart. Preparing me. changing me. transforming me. evolving. creating... creating a new me. It's weird to feel how unyielding and worldly i am. i know there is much to deal with and i desire for more. Lord, take it from me. Don't let me get in the way of us.

the curse of man

2011-06-02T14:56:00.003-04:00

When life is a series of simple tasks that are laid out in an orderly fashion life is simple. no stress. it's the easy life. As we find joy in the work we do then we've found ourselves the perfect job. A job we love that doesn't cause us to stress out.

It makes me wonder about people's approach to life. People work hard. I'm not sure if you've seen it, but people get bored if they don't work. They like the feeling of accomplishing something. They like knowing that they did something that means something and this is how I see original sin. The curse for man to toil the earth was a harsh yet fitting curse. Since man desires to know good and evil independent of God then he will also achieve perfection independent of God. If you want to know better without God then you must become better without God.

Then we flash forward to now and we see people that do stuff. The doing may be for God and the attaining of perfection but it remains independent of God. It's been thousand (and some would say millions/billions of years) since the beginning and we still haven't really figured it out. Doing stuff on our own is what got us here in the first place. it's what we're NOT meant for. We're meant to rely on God.

This is why people burn out. We always want to manage these lives. They are in a constant state of project management, crisis management, time management and whatever else crosses our path we want to manage that. We realize the universe is too big to manage so we try all the more. Then I see Jesus and how his life shows that he didn't manage any of those things. He found rest in simply following his Father. He was able to follow his Father because our God is not a slave driver but his burden is easy and his load is light. The more we rest in God the more we realize he's at work. But if we're working independent of God we'll never find rest. Humans are always close. But that is still sin. The devil's counterfeit is always close, that's why he's good at his job.

I'm sure to go back and check up on original sin and the curse of man.

My Dream: Worship

2011-05-31T11:34:00.002-04:00

So I had a dream this morning. I was a DJ and I was choosing songs for people to dance to. After picking out of the small album of CDs I found myself running out of songs. I was starting to wonder how other people do it. I was wondering what songs I could pull from the small selection. I was wondering why this was so hard. Then my partner looked at me and said, "Why don't you just tell me what songs you want?" I replied, "But we might not have that song." He replied, "We can always download it, just pick good songs."

I paused and realized for a moment, I'm not sure what songs I even want. After realizing the number of possibilities and the freedom I began to choose songs and it as great. It was soo good that everyone was dancing and having fun. Then the dance floor turned into a stage and david copperfield was there and he was dancing and doing magic tricks. They weren't so much tricks. It was more that he made things appear outta nowhere. It wasn't just things that were cool, it was a personal thing. He was teaching a couple how to dance and he pulled out a guitar and the man recognized it as his old guitar that was gone a long time ago. He began playing and him and his wife were dancing. Then the stage began to fill with people all receiving something personal and began to sing. One choir got up there and began singing, "If you had the chance, why wouldn't you bring your show to the center..." As the repeated their song i saw a quartet standing at the side. It was Gabe Lam, Joel from the viet church, jeremiah from my softball team and one other person (I'm not sure who). I could see that they had their instruments and sheet music, but they were standing off to the corner and I thought about the song being sung and wondered why they weren't singing. Then i realized they were just waiting for their turn. In the big party where everyone is already singing and dancing, they are waiting for their turn as they stand at the side quietly. I begin to sing to them and grab their music stands and instruments and then I wake up.

It's a cool dream, eh? I'm really happy I had a chance to write this out too. The first bit is about me and my own heart. It pains me to see people get stuck in an artificial boundary. There is such freedom in knowing that our God is infinite. If we'd only connect to his heart we'd realize that there is an infinite potential for us to be used by him. No longer stuck because we don't have enough songs and not enough ability, he is like the internet and can provide all the songs we'll ever need. Even more so, God is also David Cooperfield and not only invites and teaches people to dance he gives them more so they can worship and even more than that, we begin to sing new songs that invite others to forget their reservations and the comfort of standing on the sideline and we empower them to come to the centre, the throne, the very presence of God and worship.

This is our God.

committed to the massage

2011-05-23T22:54:00.002-04:00

something i learned this week is what it means to be committed to a something. Shirley often times gives me massages and one of the issues is that she isn't really committed to it sometimes. she just gives a couple quick squeezes and moves on to something else. I think this is the feeling we give God a lot. When he asks, we do something (and that is a generous assumption already) but we're not committed to doing it for his pleasure or to his satisfaction. we do it so that we can say that we it or to feel like we're good as a follower. The tough thing is what it feels like to receive something like that. It almost feels like I shouldn't have asked and there is something wrong with me for even asking in the first place. Like I'm damaging the relationship by asking. What does a man do in that case? What does God do?

Diary of Jane

2011-05-19T14:35:00.003-04:00

So I was checking out Joel's ipod and i ran into this song again. I think the song is interesting. It seems (through some general google searching) to be about a girl that doesn't really love the guy despite the relationship they are supposed to or seem to have. Jane is dead and he's trying to figure out if he was important to her or not. I think the first appeal is just that musically I like it. When thinking about the, "I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane", I was thinking about making sure I have a lasting impact and not in the lives of people but in the eyes of Jesus. I think it's been on of those things I've been really pushing forward in, having an intimate relationship where i would be in his intimate diary (if there wash such a thing).

Since the song is actually about a fake relationship where the guy is finding that, after she's dead, he's not even in her diary. I think about people and their relationships with Jesus now and how intimate is it with him if there is nothing written about him in your diary. I guess closer to home would be something like: When asked about how your day was or how your life is, why do we think of work or stress or how much sleep we're getting instead of talking about what God is doing?

"Die for anyone, what have I become?" - this is Christ for us. Setting aside his glory to die for his creation that didn't/doesn't love him.

How hard does God have to look in the diary of your lives to find his place?

Intergenerational Transitions

2011-05-16T12:27:00.002-04:00

It's funny to look at this an wonder why things are the way they are. What happens along the way that causes our existence to be so cyclical? Makes me sigh at the notion that nothing is new under the sun. I'm almost sure that someone else has talked about that :P The idea that we are to pass on the fire and to help others to be closer than we have been is whispered in the spires and towers that the Christians have built. The christian universities. The mega-churches. Even then works of Intervarsity and Power to Change. Those are all testimonies of where God has brought us in the last 50-100 years. I wonder how many churches have survived 10 generations. I wonder how many lasting lineages exist of Christians passing on the thousand generation blessing outline by God. It's not like I'm upset or disappointed or any of those things and I'm coming to realize more and more what the impact of being a second generation Christian is. It's not about being a second generation, english speaking chinese, it's actually just being a second generation christian.

I was talking to my uncle yesterday and he's done missions for a number of years and outreach and discipleship were done pretty much equally in his church. Many of the congregants, 80% and upwards, are first generation Christian and they reality is, the gospel message is new to them and they are at church because they are looking for God. However, 90% of the folks in our church right now grew up at church. They don't come because they are looking for God. They come because their parents drove them. The gospel is something they grew up with and now the question is, are you looking for God.

The prior generation came to church to find God. The second generation come to church but they come for any number of reasons. I heard something about how the new generation doesn't like hymn and they like songs the invoke an emotional reaction while in the old days there would be hymns which focus on the gospel. The reality is, our generation, having grown up in the church, has heard the message of the gospel, but the real challenge is whether or not they live out their relationship with God. Are their lives with God like the lover and beloved? Are they like the apostle John or like those of the pharisees? There are 3 heart states I've seen, first is rebellion, I don't love God nor do I do as he pleases, then I want to love God and do what pleases him even though I don't yet love him and finally, I do love God and do what pleases him. As the first generation completes the appropriate actions the grant us the gift of seeing the works of God done and now we will gift them with seeing the heart of God expressed in those works as we rest in him.

Sometimes we get caught up in building the Kingdom that we forget the King. Sometimes we get caught up in our relationship and forget the heart of the King is for all people.

I want so badly for people to get this. I want so badly for the kids to see what they can be and how much more the next generation can be. I want so badly for the parents to let their kids grow in the LORD and realize what they have as parents is inadequate and lesser than what can be attained. The Him who is able to do more than we think or imagine, be the glory, honour and majesty.

teaching through regrets

2011-05-13T13:18:00.002-04:00

ever notice how parents and older folks often emphasize things that they regret not doing? It's one of those things that I encounter. People wish that they weren't poor growing up so it's important to make sure their kids don't grow up poor. Some didn't go to college/uni so it's really important that their kids do since they realize how hard life is without a degree/diploma. My dad always told me I'd regret not knowing chinese because english was so hard for him. LOL~ It's funny how people do that and more often than not, they do it because they care. It's one of those things where they want us to be spared the pain they had to go through. I wonder why i so rarely hear that people's parents want them to love God more. It's an issue with our parent's generation and how they are but I think my parents and their generation hasn't evolved as much on the spiritual front seeing as many of them are first or maybe second generation Christians. the linage is weaker. It not a regret that they didn't love God more. It doesn't look like they've reached that stage. I hope that people in our generation learn regret in that sense. That it's such a common and beautiful thing to have a vibrant relationship with Christ that parents will make sure their kids know how great our God is so that the kids don't miss out.

evolution

2011-04-15T09:18:00.002-04:00

So GSP is on the cover of men's health this month and I've really been curious as to what the article would be about. They of course depict him as great guy, he's both intelligent and disciplined, and these days I jokingly call him my hero. He's awesome. At least i think so.

One of the first things they talk about is the megalodon and how GSP considers this and compares it to himself. The megalodon was a massive shark, up to 20 m long and without rival and dominated the waters but then it disappeared. Extinct. why? there are lots of reasons, all of which point to it's inability to adapt to change. It couldn't evolve. the world changed around it and it stayed the same. It's funny because it's not like it got worse or needed to improve itself per se. It's often the realization that it doesn't suit the current environment. Much like the megalodon, we aren't meant to be stagnant, we're meant for more and as GSP evolves, so do we as Christians. I think this is why fitness is so interesting for me. I want to be fit but not only that, I always feel like something is awakened when I'm working out and pushing. It's something I feel is often buried deep. I keep catching glimpses. We'll see. More and more I'm gathering people of like mind to this workout thing and we'll go from there.

I think it's something we all need but don't realize. Inside we all want to roar and know we are powerful. It's who God is and who we're meant to be.

Finding the song...

2011-04-01T16:24:00.002-04:00

So I'm not sure if you've ever heard a song that you really liked the feeling of and then realize you have no idea what song it is? It's probably the most frustrating thing for me because I can't even sing the song. I get the feeling that there is a song out there that i can't find, remember the words or tune of, but i like it and I want to hear it again.

As i was driving yesterday it felt the song and it was the right one. Damn good song :P

There is something about how right God is and how right it is when you're doing his will. It's like finding the song in your heart that you've been longing to find and it all falls into place.

Enjoy the song and the thought.

Movements and Forms

2011-03-22T15:01:00.002-04:00

This was something that I notice during the sermon yesterday.

The 4 Movements of the Alliance
1. Church Planting
2. Missional
3. Leadership development
4. Supernatural

The speaker mentioned these and I was thinking how movements and forms exist in things like music and dance or, in my mind, martial arts. I guess it's something that I wonder about. I remember as a kid I'd watch chinese martial art tv series' and how people had their 9 moves that the style was comprised of and how cool that was. The crazy fights often included the 9th and final move clashing with someone else's final move and how nuts that was. Sometimes there would even be a secret 10th form that was newly developed for a high level clash.

I guess as I develop as a Christian I wonder about that. I look at what we do and I wonder how much seriousness goes into it and what are the forms and movements of me. How does this work for me. What does it look like? I guess the challenging of defining myself and becoming more aligned with God's calling for me. I'm sure that when I boil it down and get rid of the clutter it'll be clear to me. I know it's something I haven't thought about yet but I will and this is the start.

when it's about me

2011-03-15T22:22:00.003-04:00

So tonight i had one of those moments when the world revolved around me, or so I thought. I guess that's the most frustrating thing about being human still.

In reading 1 Cor 6, specifically the latter part about the body being a temple for the Spirit I've begun to see more and more why opening myself to that type of things strikes deeply at the core of things. Being married has really shown me the necessity of putting someone before me. The reality is that I was really bothered by something and I didn't say anything as a good man should leave no place for his anger to burn. The important thing for me was to view my anger and understand it's source. I didn't like knowing that shirley was too busy with other stuff to play board games with me. I wanted the world to revolve around me and it doesn't. It's irrational and selfish and the anger was based in that. The difference between love and lust is sacrifice. I have ever reason to give up everything for someone I love. I have no reason to give up anything for a one night stand not would I do it nor would it be expected.

This is a fundamental difference between a disciple of Christ and the world. To understand sacrificial love is to understand a core part of who God is. That is why, when we choose to give up love for lust, we give up our Christ likeness. It's why this is a sin within the temple. The other things (rules for food and the latter half of the 10 commandments) might destroy our ability to love people but this destroys our ability to love God and further, to understand him. I'm sure the other sins are bad but this one is clearer to me now than it's ever been. I guess I wanted to share this because I'm seeing it more now.

Lust takes on many forms and it's what I deal with. Not to check out the girls at the gym. Not arriving at sites i shouldn't. not thinking about any of those things. It's my vice. I've never understood it as clearly as I do now and I thank God for that. Seeing leads to changing. I'm happy for that. God is generous to me these days.

fighting Zero - Take Me

2011-03-15T17:26:00.001-04:00

3 Rules of the Spirit

2011-03-11T09:39:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if people have heard of the 3 rules of money but they are basic rules for the money game.

1) Have more money is better than less money
2) Having more money now is better than having it later
3) Me having the money is better than you having the money (thinking of outstanding debts)

I've always thought these to be basics and honestly, nobody can really dispute these simple guidelines for managing money, except that people do through the way they live.

There are rules the the Spirit life

1) Being MORE filled is better than less
2) More filled NOW is better than later
3) Me having the Spirit is just AS important as you having it (think more aggregate since there is plenty of God to go around.

Again I don't think people can disagree but why is it that people tell me they can't give God their entire Sabbath day or will work their way up to spending an appropriate amount of time with God? What about MORE and NOW do they not get? What part of MORE and NOW do they think they are doing by having less? It blows my mind how people don't realize how little the desire God. It's why we have to ask those hard questions. Am I filled MORE, NOW and pouring to others so they can be filled with MORE and NOW?

it's all in the set up

2011-03-06T19:01:00.002-05:00

so I was at 7up and we were running stations based on this verse from proverbs 15:17

Better a small serving of vegetables with love
than a fattened calf with hatred.

At first it was framed as a fear factor challenge and kids were weary of trying out the food. It was supposed to represent the verse really loosely but the funny thing for me is that Liza is the one that bought the food. She could have bought bad tasting stuff and made the kids eat it and showed them how wit hate there is no enjoyment of food but as the funny thing for me is that Liza is actually really nice and she brought food that kids would actually like if they would just try it. Most kids didn't want to try it if they were unsure. As the different groups filtered through Liza changed her approach, she said that she brought good food that she wanted to share instead of saying it was a fear factor challenge. The last group, knowing that Liza loves them ate all the food.

It's funny how the way we present our side of the story changes so much. From "this is a trap!" from the earlier groups to, "are we allowed to eat it all?" from the last group.

just something i'm trying to be conscious of as sometimes the issue isn't the food, it's me. :P

lonely at the bottom :D

2011-02-23T12:49:00.003-05:00

It guess it has has been a while. I know that I've been trying to post more elsewhere but I guess this space is just for me. Shirley has picked up her blog once again and so I will too.

God's Lordship has been top of mind recently and it's been reflected as I've been tenacious in my labour to the cause. It's something I'm glad to do and I'm happy for those that are able to receive. It has been interesting talking to shirley about this and it's something I've faced for so long that it's almost expected. When we lead the church and serve those around us people seem to forget how lonely this can all become, how lonely it is at the bottom. It's why I so readily do things on my own I think.

In meeting up with some of my friends on monday I realize how long it's been since I've been to a meeting where I don't have to do something. Where I can relax and let loose. It's strange for me because I had to unwind a bit because I was uptight. It's like not stretching after working out. They reminded me of things that I haven't done in a while, one of which was claim promises. There was a moment where someone else was asking us to claim the promises in the Bible and I realized nothing came to mind and it's been a long time since something spontaneous came up. I'm usually somewhat prepared. After a couple moments of feelings that come with spontaneity these old reflexes did come back. I do know the promises as instincts and now they can form into words. It's a nice thing to be in the presence of God, my Friend, and we just chill. No complaints about the rest of it, but this is important for deeper life development. It's important to not lose sight of the other aspects of God. It's important to meet up with other Christians and not get used to something because there is no getting used to God. How does one get used to infinity? :D

do things really change?

2010-11-22T13:43:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why it is that when the situation changes the decision changes. Do situations really change so drastically? Then i realized what it is that changes when the situation changes, the thing that changes is how it impacts us. It makes me think about how we make decisions. If we base the decisions on what benefits us most then when the situations change we’ll change our decision. I have found that if I decided based on what is right and wrong or, put differently, what is God’s will or not, then the decision never needs to change. If God has commanded it to be so then why would a situational change make any difference for me? I guess it brings me back to how decisions are made and why they are made and the impact that has on us. I realized this when I played Dominion that there was either too much reaction or not enough reaction to situations, but then I realize there doesn’t need to be reaction at all. Reaction is already too late for most things in life. Sometimes we just take the principle of it all and then roll with it.

the right thing to do is always the right thing to do if we made that decision based on right in the eyes of God and not just "right for me".

more complex but is it more fun?

2010-11-01T16:36:00.002-04:00

one of the questions i ask myself a lot these days is how to simplify things or how complexity added to the overall enjoyment.

I think the best games are the ones that have a simple concept and limitless application, actually, that can be said for almost everything in life. It's something I'm encountering over and over because i'm creating something and exploring wing chun. It's interesting to hear about how their are different lineages for me. I think the thing i realized after a while is that martial arts are arts and the must ignorant thing to hear is that the new forms aren't true forms and therefore bad.

I find the old forms, though specific, are actually pretty vague in terms of how all the moves can be applied. Honestly, I like it that way because as you grow with each movement you begin to see how they work in various situations and that's good for people that practice and have imagination. One pitfall I find is when the original forms have more frills and/or add specifics to the moves. Though it gives a specific context in which the move can be useful, it limits thought around how else it can be used.

Iunno... it's just interesting to me because more complex isn't always better. Most moves isn't better. More in the form isn't better. Boxing has 4 punches, it's pretty damn effective if you ask me. LOL

Babies; Killing yourself to win

2010-10-26T09:09:00.003-04:00

2 Thoughts

Baby Micah.
It's been a while since I've interacted with kids below grade 6 and more so babies. I realize there is a transformation that happens when my mom and dad are playing with him and it's something I can't quite do naturally yet. I can't lower myself to baby talking and just playing. There is too much going on in my mind and I know I'll figure it out when I have kids but it's weird for me to remember how different this baby is than all the other people i interact with. It's like how we ought to deal with Christians in different stages of development. We can't expect babies to be adults and shouldn't treat adults like babies.

So I was at Mcdonald's for breakfast because they have Monopoly. I realized, one of my main motivations for going there is, other than the food being cheaper than the alternative, is that I just want to win stuff. Then i realized that Mcdonald's is bad for me and I'm killing myself to win and there is a good chance that I won't win anything I care about anyway. It's like being at church or any relationship when you try to win a fight. you destroy so much to win and in the end you realize that winning was pointless to begin with since love overshadows all of that.

waking like dying

2010-10-06T12:54:00.003-04:00

So I woke up the other day and the feeling of waking up is almost always one i don't like. As I felt myself dragged outta bed it felt like what i imagine dying to feel like.

I guess this video is somehow appropriate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgpYLVastGU

I think dying and waking are very similar even in our spiritual life. being awake and aware inevitably incorporates the shedding and death of the sleeping self. I guess transitions are just that, going from life to life is like going from asleep to awake.

why do we do this? Why do they do that?

2010-09-13T11:43:00.002-04:00

God likes to set me up with games and my mind is quickly expanded to understand life in many new ways.

I've been asking something the past couple days, "Why does SComAC do children's ministry?" Do you know what response I very often get? "Why do they have a junior high ministry?". That's not an answer to my question, it's an excuse. It's funny, this is dinner talk for my family. we talk church. Joanie and Dave know that if SCAC ran the CM in english they would have to bring their kid over. It's nice to see joanie's serious eyes and say, "yeah, if they ran it in english then it would be a violation of the covenant for us to have our own CM". I know they don't run it in english right now but that's something we can deal with on at a later date.

a covenant by definition is something i hold myself to, it's not something i'm being held to, that would be a contract. how are we holding ourselves to this partnership. First steps must be taken. my heart is broken for this constantly.

the price of good information

2010-08-19T10:35:00.002-04:00

Sometimes i wonder what good information is worth. i my younger years i think the the value was a lot lower but now i realize that knowing what's going on changes a lot of things. In watching SC2 I can easily see that knowing what's going on with the enemy is what enables us to act accordingly and to be honest, I think this is how we live. We understand what to do because we see what we see. I guess I'm wondering these days what it's worth to me? Information like everything else in life is a commodity. What's it worth?

I guess it goes beyond that and it's about Truth. What's truth worth? What am I doing to get it and what do i expect when i do receive it. I guess I'm starting to wonder or maybe wander... maybe i've lost site of that... there is no maybe about that. i do need to take a step back and review the information, the facts, the Truth and simply live based on those as opposed to living based on what i can probably tell is out dated or just simply wrong.

2010-08-16T22:51:00.003-04:00

so i'm trying to get into the swing of things, like writing :P

anyway, it's been a stressful day and so i'm happy to go to the gym. it's weird how the gym is, it's a place wear we go to stress out and de-stress. Sometimes i wonder if there is something wrong with our world... I think about the urges within me and how i desire to be physically strong and i know it's only one subset of strength but it feels wrong when i let my body go and there is something deep inside that enjoys the pushing of my body.

i just wonder why we've chosen to put physical strength aside in such a way. there will always be something inherently unsatisfying about our existence i think. we're made for conflict and overcoming.

wow... it's late... bed time~

2010-08-11T10:16:00.003-04:00

funny to see a comment but it's funny because i found that writing that was very cathartic for me. just a good time to sit and reflect and take advantage of the opportunity.

yesterday i was thinking about how sometimes people don't care about some things and often it's because they don't care but then i realized, just as often it's because those things don't matter. I think the important thing is realizing which is which.

I was talking to Joel and he was telling me about how he's been losing playing sc2 because he's trying new strategies. i guess he's sad about it. i'm not sad for him and honestly don't think he should be sad. this is why we call them "growing pains" right?

I was talking to shirley and she was talking about teaching and how straight memorization is bad and a specific example is memorizing math. the funny thing for me is that that's exactly how i learned it. when i do multiplication and division, when i see the numbers a list of numbers populate my mind and their respective relationships. is their even a wrong way to teach? LOL~ make me wonder why my opinion is valid but there are different people with different learning styles. The irony of teaching a teaching style as superior defeats the purpose of the teaching style because teaching isn't meant to stifle thoughts or pigeonhole our minds but to expand them. The funny thing is that there are many things in my life that are completely memorized and lack any context of what it truly means. Iunno...

it's weird as i keep diving deeper into dealing with people it's a reality that there are things that matter and things that shouldn't. i'm mostly trying to figure how to not care without sounding insensitive, though insensitivity is the way i've chosen to deal with those things.

2010-08-09T14:47:00.002-04:00

I was going to apologize for not writing here for a while and then i remember that nobody reads this anyway. I'm going to get back into writing. I can't avoid it and shouldn't avoid it.

what am i doin' these days? I really don't get it. I'm very unmotivated. I just don't care about anything. I'm always tired and i sleep lots. I suspect that there is something wrong.

I just can't feel anything today. i just keep moving. moving... is this what it's meant to be? I think today and many days it's just like that. i don't even really feel my muscles firing... i think i gotta go to the gym tonight. my body just isn't... iunno...

I'm not sure what's going on. things are getting done and that's nice but my soul needs to be taken care of. something is wrong or maybe... this just the dark night of the soul. everything is on high awareness... everything in my soul is reaching out to grasp at something.

paintball... combat... everything is near... everything is 100% reaction. everything comes down to the moments. this is it, this is why i feel and don't feel at the same time. everything inside me is trying to reach out and my body is trying not to get in the way. do i feel it? It's almost here i think.

wow... i don't think anyone, including me will make snese of this but it's been revealing.

eat you alive

2010-05-18T11:38:00.002-04:00

funny, i've heard this term a lot and i was watching martial arts instructor say it and give me some new meaning to it all.

So when i eat a steak i like it rare, honestly, no matter how rare it is the animal is still dead. The guy said, "How can you eat something alive unless you practice eating it slow?" and it dawned on me. The difference is speed! It's like when a raptor eats something, it's still alive when he starts to eat it (according to Jurassic Park :P)

There really isn't much application to this but it's something that's been on my mind. Am I taking things slow so in practice so when the real thing comes I'll be ready and able to "eat it alive". With softball seasons now I've really been trying to take time to build accuracy that i did forgo when i started.

2010-05-04T13:51:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to re-sync. I'm not 100% right now and coming of the shingles and having the allergies kinda threw me off. I'm back in action but not 100% I guess it's one of those moments where I say to someone, "Just because your on the field doesn't mean you're playing the game". It's true. What can I do though? It's the desert of the soul i guess.

I wonder what happens if this is a perpetual state. how does on set up shop in the desert? I think that's it for me right now. setting up shop in the desert as if it's not the desert. I know of the great things that are of God and I should and will push forward into them but at the same time i feel like i should enjoy the desert. i shouldn't be in a rush to leave because here there is reflection. it causes us to wait. it should cause us to wait and pause and strain and breathe. sometimes i know it ain't about pushing forward.

it feels nice to write. just to clear my soul and bring clarity. i think i'm going for a walk.

2010-04-30T12:40:00.002-04:00

There is too much happening for me to consolidate into one entry... it's why i should likely be writing more.

aimless... i think i'm spiritually just pushing forward into the unknown. it's weird because there is so much going on i can't tell which to do and how to go about going whatever it is that i'm supposed to do.

so i'm writing. i'm writing because it's the best way to see for me. i have the desire to be everywhere at once and doing everything, which is why i can't figure out what i where i should be and what i should be doing.

i just keep buying coffees and i keep moving.

Pain

2010-04-04T21:51:00.002-04:00

So there is a line from Remember the Titans that's stuck with me.

Coach Boone: What are you?
Team: Mobile, agile, hostile!
Coach Boone: What is pain?
Team: French bread!
Coach Boone: What is fatigue?
Team: Army clothes!
Coach Boone: [Coach puts hand to his ear] Will you ever quit?
Team: No! We want some mo', we want some mo', we want some mo'!

I love that. It's funny because i never got it until shirley explained it to me. Pain is a homonym with the French word for bread while and army fatigues are clothes.

It's been interesting for me to deal with constant "French Bread" these days. I got shingles and it's pretty interesting. It's both constant dull pain, pulsing dull and sharp pains with tingling burning. It's really interesting. This pain is real and it's wonderful. It makes me really appreciate the pain free 95% of my body. It makes me aware of the spiritual reality of constant battling. It makes me ask the question, "Will i ever quit?" and answer "we want some mo'".

It's great to think of where this will lead me in me desire to grow.

alternatives

2010-03-27T21:59:00.002-04:00

so i've been watching various wing chun vids and one of the beautiful things about an art is that there are different interpretations that make sense. I was watching a vid on "Chum Kyu" which, since it's chinese, translates into either "Sinking Bridge" or "Seeking Bridge" not so much because it's written the same because I'm pretty sure it's not but because or the oral passing people of different lineages adopted different words and in all honesty, it doesn't matter which one it is. There are different uses for the different principles that are used.

As I'm reading the Bible these days I've also been working on alternative reads on things just to open up my mind. The important part is consistency with the entire Bible and the more I get to know God the more I know that the more I know of him the more levels and layers there are in the Bible. I feel like i'm molting.

Company Valuation

2010-03-21T22:18:00.002-04:00

So I've been watching Shark Tank (ST) and Dragon's Den (DD) and the concept of valuation comes up in every episode, the correlation between what you're asking for and what you're selling. If someone says I'm asking $250K for a 10% equity position i means they think 100% of the company is worth $2.5M. simple math. The crazy part is that people don't value their business realistically a lot of the time. They are valuing based on the future as opposed to the present situation and that is the issue with some. Some people ask for what they want and give what they want to give and that leads to a valuation that is not based on anything. I want $250K and I'm only willing to give you 10%. It doesn't mean anything.

So My Sunday School class was doing the parables in Matthew 13:44-46. Hidden treasure and pearl of great value. When encountered with an offer the result is that the characters give up all they have as a trade for the object of great value and that made me think of everything i've been watching on ST and DD. Last night i saw the Entrepreneur turn down an offer. The crazy thing is, the shark that gave the offer was giving too much, he knew it and the other sharks did too, but the guys walked away. They thought their business was worth more. Then I realized that this is what we do to God on a regular basis. God gives us an more than generous offer and we turn him down thinking what we have is worth more. We start telling God what we want and give him not what he asks, just want we want to give. Ironically that isn't even the fair price, it's just or unrealistic idea of what we want to give.

In the end there is this, there is greed to takes you to the grave and the greed that allows us to make good decisions. The second one is the same greed that knows that all that i have pales in comparison to the pearl of great value, the kingdom of heaven, ultimately God himself.

2010-02-12T12:41:00.001-05:00

I was talking to shirley and she was joking priorities and i said i was the highest priority in her life. When i said that my brain pinged and reminded me that God is the highest priority. As i was thinking that over Shirley said the same thing and I smiled knowing that we're on the same page. "We don't prioritize God", I said. We had that look where it's true. When we start to think that we can prioritize God then we've lost sight of who the master is and who the slave is.

safe options

2010-01-20T12:45:00.003-05:00

self discovery is alayws an interesting aspect of working out. It's always interesting to see how it all fits together and i mean all as in everything in life.

One thing I've noticed while working out is that even though you might be working out a certain major muscle group intensely on the machine there is a certain problem the motion is unfortunately a safe option.

So two nights ago Jacob asked me as a point of reference how much running i do. I don't do treadmill so it's not the same, i told him i would run treadmill instead of eliptical. As I was running and clocking myself i realized that even though i had been running on the eliptical for weeks now the treadmill challenged many different muscles, namely the smaller muscles for stabilizing. It's weird how they didn't know when to fire as i was running and became sore and tire very quickly. It's funny because these will never be used when using machines since machines are designed to eliminate the potential of hurting yourself that comes when you over extend or do the motion wrong. When using free weights you have to know the motion and then make sure you do it right yourself (or have a spotter) so you don't crush yourself. There should be some obvious understandings that comes from this.

Christianity isn't safe. The pursuit of God isn't supposed to be done through the "safe options". When dealing with the spirit realm and people's lives there are extremes that are dangerous and those risks are necessary to grow. I don't recommend these things in isolation of those around us either. Don't just stick to the avenues of knowing God that are safe, be willing to hear and see and feel God. Don't just do it by youself because you'll never go beyond without others.

Many thoughts, no time.

next steps

2010-01-04T12:16:00.002-05:00

so it's the monday back. still pretty quiet. i think everyone is easing into the work day. easing into the new year. easing into a fresh start. I can't remember when the new year started for me. I'm not talking about being too drunk to remember, i'm talking about when God and I started the next step. saturday night i saw it and i knew what was going on. the familiar thing. the exciting thing. i began to see the darkness that was within me. it was an understanding. it was a last look at something that wouldn't be around for very much longer. it's like a good-bye moment.

For the last little while as we have been finishing up the last purge things have been good. I've been feeling good about myself but my eyes began to understand that i'm not that much better than before the last purge. how wonderful though. there is lots left for God and I and i'm ready. It's not the up and down people talk about, it's revelation of the darkness that i didn't see before. my eyes were dull and now they are opened more. that's exciting.

i'm a bad husband. nobody knows that except God and me. Even my wife, the evaluator of such a thing, doesn't know. it's strange to me because i'm not sure how the next step will be taken, i just know where this will end and that's good.

Accumlated thoughts

2009-12-24T11:27:00.000-05:00

Hark! The Herald Angel Sings.I’m really not a fan of Christmas carols but this year God has made it a bit more of a point to remind me why it’s still relevant. I hate how the secular has tainted the entire season for me. I hate how the secular has infiltrated the understanding of the birth. This is why I really like “Hark! The Herald Angel Sings”. God revealed this to me, “Veiled in flesh the Godhead see, hail th’ Incarnate Deity”. God showed that it was him that came. What he set aside to do what he did out of love. How grateful I ought to be for his descent into the sinful realm in which we dwell for our redemption. I can’t truly comprehend what I see. It’s like I’m beginning to see the greatness of God veiled as the humility of Jesus yet neither greatness nor humility is diminished. It’s hard to see what it is yet but is right there.

Genesis.
The Genesis. The start of it all. Sometimes I wonder about the beginning and as I write I see the message being made clear. In the beginning was the Word and the Word became flesh. We are unable to see out this God so he came to us. I get pulled back into the transition moments of my life to see the work of God that has brought me from death to life.

Baptism
So the end is here. The baptism into death. Being united with him in death and also united in his life. No more let sin and sorrow flow. We identify with his death and so as we died through him he will live through us.

As I’ve been going through life this is what has been going on. Death to Life. The undiminished infinity of God’s character that redefines all the things we know. No more weakness of our own, but strength in Christ. No more limitations. Only Faith.

jimmy!!!

2009-12-20T22:46:00.002-05:00

it's funny for me to see my kiddy side. I'm not sure when it was that this started but being around tim lee just brings me back to my uni days and there is a certain disarming quality to his boy-ish ways. sometimes i'm like that around other people too. it's nice to know there are people that have seen that side.

put money on a winning horse

2009-12-11T11:22:00.004-05:00

sometimes i wonder should get my time. should i help the high potential individuals or should it be those that are far and need all the help they can get? It's kinda funny for me because as i start to write i remember what my answer was and is.

I used to have my mission statement and i think if i dig it up it should still be on my hard drive somewhere.

"Treat every person as if they were the single most important person in your life," i think was the phrasing i used and it's something that i really don't expect to waver from. I don't leave people hanging at the given moments. I can't evaluate the high potential folks from the waste of time folks and even when i can i've not found it totally relevant. I'm ok with wasting my time with those people, sometimes. I'm happy to see the high potential folks grow and learn.

I realize that there are a bunch of losers i spend a lot of time with too. They are not your high potential titans of faith, they are the ones that have no idea what it means to be a Christian and yet it doesn't matter to me. There are the lost that need to be found and the found that need to be strengthened. When I look at these poor and lame I have compassion. I can't help but throw some pearls at these pigs. I know i shouldn't but i can't stand by.

I have a lot of losing horses on my roster and lots of winners too. I guess it's this, the only reason to make money is so i can invest in a diversified portfolio, not so i can earn a return. I want to minimize the instances where i turn people away.

2009-12-09T12:17:00.004-05:00

sometimes when we're removed from a scenerio we think differently than we would while we're in the scenrio. Often times we speak differently and prioritize differently because it doesn't have the same proximity. I really like being in a situation and analizing it and then there are the other moments when i like be able to have the alternate perspective when i stand back from the situation.

When I think about something from an objective numbers perspective I can see certain things, this is usually enabled by not being in the situation. While in the situation though i see another set of things, the subjective intangible aspects of the situation. Sometimes I wonder if i have what it takes to lead, to step back from it all and rise above all the intangibles and make a cutting decision. Sometimes i wonder why it is that i love to be on the frontlines and executing at an impossibly high level and knowing that, even though i'm not changing the world i'm making a difference here and now.

I guess I'm trying to appreciate both elements of my life. Trying to rise above the emotions when it isn't the time and trying to feel the reality when it's appropriate. Too often we disagree with something because there are too many thoughts or we don't feel it's the right thing. So much to explore and yet this is just step one.

My car. When I'm riding i know it's the right one. So much to get used to but it's the one. Too much thinking gets me where i don't want to be because i'm reminded of the original reason why. Not because it was rational, but because it felt right and it does make me happy.

gospel, faith and glengary glen ross

2009-12-07T09:25:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if i've posted this but i will again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AXTx4PcKI

This is always inspiring for me because sometimes i get distracted from my objective and no, i'm not a salesman. He starts his talk with, "Let's talk about something that matters". So often we get distracted by the stupid things. Moss (Ed Harris) keeps asking things like, "what's your name?" or "if you're so great why are you wasting your time with us" and he's really just trying to get out of the responsibility of failing. He's not here to learn. He's saying, "What gives you the right to tell me how to do my job? Nobody can tell me what to do" and the real answer is, Alec Baldwin's answer, "I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to" pretty much saying, I don't give a crap about you, I'm here doing people a favour. Go screw yourself if you don't wanna listen. It really bothers me how we think that if we can just present something that is easy enough to swallow to people they will accept it. I don't care if they do right now. If people don't want Jesus (including and especially my sunday school class) they won't get it. Neither from me nor from God. I'm watering nothing down.

One kid told me that he didn't care why God did what he did so i challenged that. We talked about death some of the other folks got very uncomfortable. I really wasn't phased. Why? Because it doesn't matter how you feel, the Truth should never be hidden from people. The worst thing i can do is not let people go to hell, it's to let them go to hell while thinking they are going to heaven.

I really like how he speaks of the materials they are given to work. He talks about what they have to do their job, "Coffee is for closers", "ABC, Always be closing", "AIDA". They all know what they need to know and have all they need to do their job really.

6:14 is the part that gets to me the most. He shows them the new leads. "To you they're gold and you don't get them. Why? because giving them to you is just throwing them away." I'm starting to see this more and more in the church. So often we think that if we give people better "materials" it will make them better Christians, but lets think about this, if we give better leads to sales people it doesn't make them a better salesman, it just makes them soft. The picking the low hanging fruit is not what defines our character, it's the ability to climb the tree and grab to fruit on the top.

I want to grow so that i can jump right to the top of the tree and grab or that i can stand and be tall enough to harvest the entire tree. Then i'll be able to work on the trees that are even bigger, with more fruit. I will be the one that follows relentlessly and God will be glorified by that.

living faith, going down the faith path.

2009-12-05T10:11:00.003-05:00

There have been many thoughts about faith and honestly, this car is a turning point in my faith. We keep talking about what it means to live by faith and what it means to be in tune with God. The difference between knowing anything is possible and knowing that this is the will of God and though it’s impossible for man it is somehow possible for God. It’s the 0% chance, no out situation that God operates in and this is what he does every day.

So what now? The car, that’s what. Why is this car the one? Honestly, there were many things that I relied on that have failed me and honestly, the realization or the reality of Romans 8:28 and the understanding of my life of faith are being challenged. Why did this not go down other paths? There are all the human factors of me and all the external factors as well and yet now I’m wondering what the God factors are. I know certain things, like Romans 8 and Job and I see the intricacies of Genesis so I wonder now, I wonder what it is that he will show me at the end of this. Where does this lead? I think this is the challenging part of this exercise. Knowing that I don’t get it and being OK with this too. I know the end, it’s me and God in a deeper relationship and my hope for that through this ridiculous set of events makes me smile. The end is this, I have a car that will remind me of the grace of God every time I drive and I will be grateful for every km I drive. I will be able to set my pride aside and know that God loves me. The “how?” i get there is a totally different story and honestly, this is why the faith walking makes such a difference vs my regretting every day why I would buy a car with so many things to fix both small and larger. Why does this get me closer to God? I don’t know. It will. Vince and I will grow because of this and I’m excited for us both. I’m not sure if he totally gets it yet but then again I’m happy this brother is trusting enough of God that even if he didn’t know he would come.

More to come but watch and see. I will be more of a monster when this is all said and done. There is pain in growth because it’s actually pain in death and i can live with this (pun intended).

My the strength of the LORD drag you down the faith path as he drags my ignorant self. Praise God

Option Select

2009-11-07T09:57:00.002-05:00

So for all the street fighter geeks out there, there is a concept called "Option Select" (OS). See the below link for a vid outlining it. The concept is this, by putting in one input there are two possible outcomes and these will trigger based upon your opponent's actions. Ryu is the one exercising the "Option Select" function and you'll see why it's such a cool thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL2zpySSymE

I've been thinking about this concept all week and God has shown me why i'm not using my Spiritual option select. Looking at the situation there are two things to know, 1) what situations is OS is useful and 2) What combinations create and OS situation.

1) If people don't have inviciblity wake ups that can be caught by the ex dragon punch (dp) there is no point using this.

2) Knowing which inputs are needed for the OS to work well. The nice thing about this is the jumping roundhouse punch is a decent jump in to begin with and ex dp is a great counter. Imagine a low priority jump in paired with a low damage/low priority counter. It would make the OS inferior to guessing.

As i think about this i wonder what my OS is against satan and how well I'm using this. At first i was thinking about how blocking pretty much has me covered but then i realized, the most important part about this particular OS is the offense, generating safe offense that puts constant pressure on satan. I don't really have answers today. The funny thing is this, i was in the church washroom and there is a picture/frame and it is says, "Ask, Seek, Knock" and in my haste of reading it read more like, "Ask- EE - Knock" or "Ask, Enoch!" lol~ anyway, so this is the thing i'm good to be exploring. How to generate solid offense against an opponent i have faced many times. I know there is pressure but there is one thing i learned from watching SF4. "punish the missed links" When people mess up the combo to it's an important time to mess them up, usually DP FADC into Ultra :D for the geeks that know what that means i'm sure satan has missed a link right here and I'll see you all tomrrow and satan will be sad :D

thoughts on last night's game of bang!

2009-10-31T09:49:00.003-04:00

winners. losers. these are by-products of the game. "Bang!" is my favourite game right now and the analysis is fresh and exciting everytime. why? because people are different. scenarios are different. critical action paths are different. last night i played a game and to be hoenst, i was disappointed but it gave me a view into human nature. it is something that always haunts me in this game and it's something i must learn to control as well. I'm talking about 'interest'.

At first i was going to write about how people lose interest in the game when the game drags. When people lose sight of what they are doing it because less appealing and people don't follow through. when the going gets tough most people give up and do something else. why not? it's just a game. the problem for me is that i's a fundimental difference in my character. I don't like to force people to play anything and if they are playing i don't like to play with people that don't want to be there (which is why i don't want to force them in the first place). In our faith walk we see this. waking for church is too hard. wrestling through scripture is too hard. i'm not learning enough. all things that cause our interest to escape us. how weak!

I realized that as i started to write that God wanted me to do one better than seeing and that's the thing i do when i play, i control the scenario. the hardest part about games like this is control. not dying is about positioning yourself in a place where you won't die and can't die. I realize there are more things the jeoparadize the win and that's disinterest in the game. people that do irrational things frustrate me but i realize more and more now that my distaste for such a person doesn't help me win, managing those irrational people to do my bidding would though.

I realize that frustrations are opportunities for a more all encompassing use of abilities. The reason they frustrate me is because they don't think (like me) but that can be useful too. The realization that if i can't engage them in the game i can't win and are unable to lead and control the situation opens a whole new element of the game. how do i engage a person in the big picture if all they want to do is shoot every turn? how do i engage someone in a game where they have no idea who is an ally and who is not? these are all things that i think about now.

alex won last night. that isn't a problem for me. it's a problem that he won because people got bored and gave up. Everyone at that table knows that Dan shouldn't have kill Hiram when and how he did. Even when i was letting him off by suggesting it was a lapse in judgement he said, "naw, i just wanted it to end". That is poor management by Hiram. To let your only ally (be it temporary) kill you? When words like, "i just want this to be over" or "just win already" come out of his mouth it really is over at that moment. I feel bad that i didn't see this earlier.

I think the next gift i want is leadership. I see more the things that need to be done to carry God's sheep to the next level and if nothing else i can see why this gift is useful for the kingdom. there is a crazy number of things a leader has to manage and i see what a man ought to be in this.

some weekend scribles

2009-10-26T10:44:00.000-04:00

It’s weird. I’m really emotional right now. I think it’s because I’m tired. I’ve gotta settle down and coming off this weekend I know there was tons going on and even now it continues. I’m dealing with some timing issues and there are things I want now but God has called for holding patterns. I was looking for a car and though I want one now just so it can be over and one with it doesn’t seem like the case right now. I just came for an employee giving campaign kick-off talking about all the stuff that United Way and Canadian Tire Jump Start have been up to and I smile at the anticipation that the next step will likely be to one of those two places and Shirley will be doing her teaching thing and I know the timing is not now but I’m eager. I just got barred from helping a friend/brother in the ministry that God is calling me to and this too is merely a timing issue. It will happen and man cannot thwart the will of God. It’s funny, it’s not even the bad things in life that get me down, it’s the delay of great things that God has in store. I am a dog that sits when my owner says so even if there are treats in front of me. Obedience is more important than blessings if for no other reason, obedience wills lead to blessings while blessings do not lead to obedience. That’s how my mind rationalizes the reality of this, I desire the relationship with God above the blessings he pours out. I know his voice and his plan is all that will be, far-be-it for me to oppose God.

2009-10-13T12:00:00.002-04:00

i wrote a full blog about what it means to set aside our pride. Then God told me that the entire thing was worthless save what he wrote. You will not see the rest but know that my pride was not in my gift of teaching, my pride is to be a vessle for God and he has said this:

"The price of greatness is pride. When you are willing to give all the pride you have away you will find that God takes your pride away and gives you the humility that makes your great in the eyes of the Lord. The last will become first."

"Come with me..."

2009-10-08T12:20:00.004-04:00

Jehu is beast in 2 Kings. Honestly, a very interesting character.

Back in 1 Kings Elijah prophesied that Hazael of Aram and Jehu of Israel would destroy the enemies of God and v16-17 stun and inspire me (for some reason possible to be stunned and motivated :D)

"Jehu said, 'Come with me and see my zeal for the LORD.' Then he had [Jehonadab] ride along in his chariot. When Jehu came to Samaria, he killed all who were left there of Ahab's family; he destroyed them, according to the word of the LORD spoken to Elijah".

"Come with me and see my zeal for the LORD". how beautiful! It's my form of evanglism for sure. Come and see my relationship with the LORD and understand that I'm not crazy. What better way to help people "get it" than to share the context of it all.

Slaughter is ugly. That's only true if it's not for the LORD. Once the righteousness of the LORD is brought into play there is no question of it all. It's why we feel freedom in Christ when everyone else sees bondage.

Let there be light.

2009-09-29T12:03:00.003-04:00

Genesis. I want to go back to the beginning of it all. Genesis invokes so many thoughts about so many things. Genesis make me want to go back to the beginning of me.

When i think of the beginning i think, "In the beginning God created he heavens and the earth." Then my mind skips to "'Let there be light,' and there was light." My mind skips the details and life is all about the details. God is all about the details. Relationships are all about the details. God knows the hairs on your head, not because there is any use for the information but he knows because he cares. Do we know the details and do we care? What is in between then?

"Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

This, i just got chills reading it :D Why? because it's the details that excite me about getting to know God more. I've read this dozens of times and still it speaks to me anew of the emptiness of my soul and how God was there hovering and waiting. If this were only about creation it would move on but this isn't just the world, this is me. I was formless and empty and God was there hovering as if he's waiting or planning or whatever he's doing in preparation. All creation is groaning to be birthed and he's there as if to say, "There is no hurry. My timing is perfect because i am perfect. Complete in all ways yet i create because i am a creator." God begins and so he speaks and then it is, "Light" and it was. Something out of nothing. Light where there was only darkness, as it was in my very soul. He seperated the light from the dark, the alive and the dead, the Spirit with the body and i was spoken into existence. He speaks of day and night, with morning and evening, the many shades of my life going from complete night to bright day and reminds me that there is no rush for his desires to come into reality. That it why i see there was evening before morning. The day didn't start and set to night, evening came, and then morning came. My night will never come after the Morning Star appears.

"O Lord, let me never waste anyone's time with stories. Let us entrench ourselves in you and the details that you reveal to us about your own character."

"i want to be weak"

2009-09-19T22:35:00.002-04:00

So Bleach this week has the Stark the #1 Espada fighting Shinsui and in the fight Stark reveals something about himself. Previously it was revealed that instead of splitting his soul into his sword his soul was split and created another "person". This chapter shows why, loneliness.

Before the fight begins he kinda doesn't wanna fight anyway because people are dying and the more that die the sadder he is. Probably best to give up he thinks. Unfortunately he's the Primera, the #1 and he has to, it's really his duty. It's interesting because i totally identify with that. Sometimes being where I am i feel like it would be nice if someone else would do it or i wish that i would be able to just hang out with people or at least have someone strong to fight with but we don't always have those luxuries.

I'm not going to complain that there aren't enough people to do the work. I'm not going to complain about the role i've been given. I'm not going to complain because there are many around me and we find ourselves in the same boat anyway. I'm sorry there isn't something more substantial to write to this but it's hard to reach into the wells of loneliness and pull anything coherent anyway. just something i noticed, that's all.

2009-09-18T16:26:00.003-04:00

So one thing I've been kinda dealing with recently is the concept of doubt, fear, trials and temptations.

So, here we are and I'm thinking about all the challenges that we face and it's different for all of us but the important thing is that if we're following God he will lead us at a pace that is near the brink of our sanity and we are given the ability to follow rather than already having it inherently. We will always be afraid because of our rational mind in facing the impossible but we ought not doubt. I've come to see that fear is my doubting myself, but the one we cannot doubt is God. In all these days I'm shown my role and God's role and how we stand relative to each other.

So i'm standing and looking at the monumental tasks that I've been given and I know of my own inadequancies and I know of God's greatness. I know that I cannot stand on my own strength but can carry all things even other people with the empowerment of God.

Doubt yourself, not God.
Fear God, not man.
Trails will come for your growth.
Temptations will come from your weakness.

I see these things.

Sidenote: I recently started an assignment from God. It's an interesting faith building thing. It would blow the minds of everyone I know if it goes the way I'm thinking it'll go. It does make me wonder though, if this is what i have in mind, what does God have in mind because he likes to mess with me too. lol. We'll see :D

my worship

2009-09-14T13:08:00.002-04:00

This is something i wrote for my small group. One thing we do is post songs we have learned and spoke to us so the worship leaders (Dave Chin and Justin Chow) might have songs to add to their sets. it's how we participate in the ministries we're not talented enough to be in :P

Here is my walk with God these days. London was great because the Lord brought me there.

I hope you're edified by my post below and do listen to the songs. They are wonderful.

*********

Stronger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqHdcyDU-pY

What the Lord has done for me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4H6Uv7BI7I

Yahweh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rds0hHG6uiI

He is Exalted
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEl-UoMVTfU

I guess this would be my set? These songs were really pressing on my heart this weekend. Stronger is such a simple song that is about Jesus and his character and life. I can't help but praise him for who he is. In the car on the way back God brought What the Lord has done for me to my lips. I didn't even know the song but the corus came and it now i see the results of his character in my life. Yahweh is about our life response and we come back to praising God for who he is.

Being in London for the weekend has really been a challenging experience for me. To be honest, i know i gotta get outta SCAC once in a while to keep perspective on how the work of God is not just one way and how i shouldn't let my capacity be limit by my lack of imagination. The only problem with getting away is that the work doesn't stop. I know people will cover but that really isn't the same as having things get done the way they should be, no disrespect for those that cover for me, but it's really not their call. So as I'm gone the hardest part for me was to let go and enjoy God's leading. So Youth ministry is crazy, especially since i'm on the inside and am digging deeper to get to the source of the issues. There is tons to know and not all of it edifies but there is a need to know and understand darkness but look to Yahweh and know he is God. I'm exhausted from a extremely filled weekend and my heart is heavy with a million different thoughts of Youth Ministry and my faith will stand.

I just put together a packages for the teachers but it was hard to write. It's such a monumental task to set direction for a ministry. there is a perpetual concern that i will send people to hell. it challenges me to the core to know that God has set me up for this and all i know is that i am nobody of consequence. Maybe people don't know me or know much about what it feels like to be where i am but then this is no different than any other moment of walking in faith and not by sight. We see failure and we walk knowing that it's not because God doesn't fail. We know we are strong when we're weak. Faith is what carries me through this entire experience where i know i am small and i feel like God has told me to do something impossible and i can't do it but somehow he tells me to do it and it'll be, "OK" even though it involves souls. "We look to Yahweh. Our hope is Yahweh". I can see how this kinda thing can devestate a person's ability to function.

I know that God is exalted in all i do. He is Lord. He will reign forever. Glory to God. And what me? I can disappear or not but who cares? Who cares about the discomfort when we know that obedience to our Lord is right and his glory puts that into perspective.

Sidenote: Shirley doesn't play for worship. I asked her once about that but last night she played "He is Exalted" at a thing i was at, and though i can't say it was the best i've heard it didn't matter. Nothing can hinder me from worship anyway and the fact that she was doing something for God that was uncomfortable was nice to see since it's been the theme of these weeks of my life and even last night. Iunno, sometimes it's good to worship God with what you think might disturb people because if God has asked then there is a reason After all, he uses nobodys like me to do his work.

IN YOUR FACE sATAN! BOOYAH!!

Ball Lightning

2009-08-31T09:08:00.002-04:00

So after reading Dave's forum post on wanting direction i wanted to share more of what has been shown to me. Please see below.

So this is "Ball Lightning". On of the more deadly cards in the game of magic because it fits perfect with a lot of direct damage type decks and is usually a fine addition to most decks. In magic there is usually a 1 turn delay before attacking happens and blocked creatures cannot deal left over damage to the player (the objective of the game is to kill the player). Here we find a creature that can surprise an opponent because it's active the turn it's played, can deal all excess damage to the player itself and though it seems like it's a draw back that it dies at the end of turn it really is a decision point for your opponent because they have to wonder this, "do i block something that is going to die anyway?"

So there i sat in the sanctuary of S-Com and pondered on the power of strength of God and how he empowers us and my mind wandered to the ball lightning. I was thinking about the briefness of our existence and realize that this is it. We are all balls of lightning and we can either be used when we're played, make a big impact and know we're going to die or we can do nothing and let our lives flow without direction or meaning. Either way, our time will be up. sometimes i wonder how much longer i'll do what i do and yet it doesn't matter, when my turn is over it will be over. Otherwise i just push through and trample as hard as i can.

corruption and focus

2009-08-12T11:14:00.001-04:00

Recently I heard a comment on how Hong Kong kinda messes with a person’s faith. It was interesting because it was a comment on how the society we're in somehow infiltrates and corrupts our relationship with Christ. For an example closer to home, the Asian Christian circles in TO, being a good student and sitting quietly during service means you’re a good Christian. There is a sobering realization for people when they get to university and realize that isn’t the case.
This morning I received the reason and issue with what I consider my greatest concern with growing up. I realized that the society of the grown up have deemed something as good and set their frame work around it but it really doesn’t mean anything in my faith, not anymore at least. That something is the notion of “maturity” and “responsibility”. I looked at it this morning and I’m still looking at it and the fog is lifting.

I’ve heard parents talk about wanting their kids to grow up and be mature and they have this idea of a kid that does their homework before playing, wakes and sleeps at appropriate hours and does their chores diligently, or something to that extent. OK. Nothing wrong with those things, actually most people would think that those are good things, but what the crap does that have to do with life with Christ? There is only so much time in a day and learning to prioritize and manage that time is great, but hugely unbiblical actually. Man is not meant to prioritize or manage his own life, the entire problem of Eden was that! We wanted to make the decisions for ourselves. The rest of the Bible is God telling us that he is the Sovereign LORD and we are to obey. This is what I see in adults, the ability to be socially “mature” and “responsible” and the corrupting influence that has on what it means to be spiritually mature and responsible. Spiritual maturity is humility before God. Spiritual responsibility is to serve as the master commands. People are turned slowly and I can see the glimpses of what used to be awesome and now those people are mere shells or shadows of their former selves. I don’t know how to avoid this aside from outright rebellion right now. I hate compromise.

I’m not sure if you get how I live my life yet. I desperately strive to abstain from those which distract and detract from my relationship with God and to cut those out is my responsibility. To allow myself to be wholly consumed by the glory of God and the things he tells me are priorities. I was telling my accountability group this. Magic Cards. Yes, I’m a geek but there is one piece of truth I’m always reminded of: To build a good deck you have to know its purpose and remove all things that stand in the way of that purpose. A magic deck is at least 60 cards but there is no cap to it. 60 cards is very little if you’re trying to plan for all those scenarios. The realization came one day, decks are not meant to tackle every scenario. My deck will force other people to deal with my scenario. People will change their decks for me because of my narrow focus and heart stopping efficiency. That takes time and effort. There are cards that are obvious not of the right type but to find the ones that do fit require time and research and hard decisions. I see now that the difference between the novice and the pro is the ability to know what good card not to put into the deck. Which card fits, but not well enough?

These are the questions we have to ask ourselves every day. Why am I awake today and what am I supposed to do? We remind ourselves to be free from distractions and compromise but we must remember that satan doesn’t tempt us with hideous things. He baits with things that are beautiful. I don’t want to wake up one day and find that I’ve become… everyone else. So let me have my rebellion if for no other reason than to be continually ready to challenge the norm and live free from the bonds of society.

the monkey on my back

2009-08-09T21:47:00.003-04:00

We're all carry baggage around. I was clearing out my room and have been doing so for a while now and i started a post about this. The reality is that i've left many items of my past that really have no relevance anymore. Sometimes i wonder why i'm sentimental at all. What's gone is gone. Why hold on to things? No, it's not who i'm meant to be. We gotta let go of those monkeys on our back.

Funny thing, so saturday we were at wonderland and Jon won at the ring toss and I took it upon my self to carry the giant gorilla on my back. As i carried it around i notice something delightfully intriguing. People were looking and whispering and point at us. I was carrying something that they didn't believe could be carried, a giant gorilla that was obviously won from an impossible game, the size signified that much. Thoughts of, "On my god, they actually won!?" were conjured into their minds and it made me smile. In their everday lives they don't see it and don't want it, but the moment they see someone and know it's attainable they wonder to themselves. One father and son even asked to take a picture with it. it was larger than the toddler.

What's it like when we carry the Cross though? People people look and whisper, smiling to themselves while pointing it out to their friends? Do they say, "Oh my god, they actually carry it!" Even if they've never thought about it, do they consider it when they see us carrying it?

I guess it comes down to this, "What are we carrying around with us?"

alone

2009-08-04T09:41:00.002-04:00

Enoch’s Question
My innermost being asked something that I didn’t know I was prepared to know. As I went through Habakkuk I saw that God would turn your own sin against you. I saw that he would allow the consequences of sin to reach the unrighteous and so I asked, “What is the consequence of lust?” The answer came and I was devastated.

The Answer
I’m alone now. My heart is heavy with the void and breathing hurts as I wonder if my chest will decompress after each breath. At this point i wonder if should even bother writing any more. will it make a difference whether i do or not? nobody will comment. Likely nobody will speak to me on this topic and i will move on and bury this stuff because i am unable to deal with the facts. weird, eh? something is so disenchanting that i can't even come to grips with it. I've seen this resurrected from it's burial many times and i wonder to myself why i can't face it?

the fact that i'm alone in the universe. the realization that regardless of how many people i know and hang out with, that i'm alone. the people that are supposed to understand don't and the people that don't are left with guessing.

Jesus is the answer and yet that doesn't change the fact that i'm alone. Alone because nobody understands. Alone because nobody can understand. Alone because, I, in the end, I choose to be.

Alone because i choose to be. Alone because i choose to be. Alone because i choose to be alone through the life i live. It's not some conscious decision but the way i live. I've seen and i know now. As i went through Habakkuk a couple times on sunday i asked, "When God allows the consequences of our sin reach us, what is the consequence of lust?" The answer is painfully clear now. The answer is loneliness. To chase empty and fleeting lusts leaves us void of true intimacy. How appropriate. It's actually beautiful and funny and pathetic at the same time. The void causes us to grasp even more for any shred of intimacy we can find and it leaves us emptier than we began. The answer is clear.

I then realized why it's so familiar for me though. Why is being alone so wrong and so right at the same time? Why is there such conflict? Why do I both run towards people and detach myself at the same time? I realize that i move on my own. I'm on the go almost all the time and my pace is my own. It's who i'm meant to be. God has created me for a life that is involved in other people and is willing to work with and build into people but is ultimately isolated. There is a difference between alone with God and lonely by myself. There is the desire to be alone with God and intimate with him and that must be clearly cleaved from the desires of human intimacy. Not that the lesser form is worthless, just infinitely different and not to be confused.

Alone. I will be alone, one way or another. Let’s just hope that next time you look me in the eye you won’t be staring into the void of my soul but into the budding fullness of Christ.